Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

Perhaps going against the grain a bit here, but I have known women in happy (yes, really) marriages, who have made a conscious decision to "leave things be".
You have to weigh up what will make you more unhappy in the long run.
Sitting on the knowledge that something is not quite platonic between them. Or maybe deciding that it is, because there is no concrete proof of anything other than a ridiculous amount of contact between them.
Lots of men put their friends high on their priority list and get in their partners bad books for it.
Or, opening up the box and letting it all out; not knowing how it might play out.

Hope your doing ok Op

Take your time, and time will tell.

@OldAndWornOut

Perhaps going against the grain a bit here, but I have known women in happy (yes, really) marriages, who have made a conscious decision to "leave things be". You have to weigh up what will make you more unhappy in the long run. Sitting on the knowledge that something is not quite platonic between them. Or maybe deciding that it is, because there is no concrete proof of anything other than a ridiculous amount of contact between them. Lots of men put their friends high on their priority list and get in their partners bad books for it. Or, opening up the box and letting it all out; not knowing how it might play out.

She's a secret friend though.

Such a difficult situation. No decision will be easy. It may never been resolved- only the OP can know for sure whether she can continue living life as before.
Personally I couldn't as I'd want to know why my DH was having such regular contact with anyone other than me!
Stay strong Polly x

It's breaking the marriage vows really. Keep me only unto thee and all that.

Hope you get some resolution soon but the pisser with these situations is the wife ends up looking controlling of her husbands friends blah blah blah. Even though it is right to the line and beyond. It's a crap situation sure enough.

@oldandwornout thank you, that's why I've had to pull the brakes on this. I need to figure out what I want more and weigh up the consequences of whatever action I take.

The messages have continued. He sent a fire emoji in response to one of her Instagram stories and she replied with the emoji that looks like blowing a kiss. She made a typo (not so sure it was accidental) that looked like she was insinuating a sexual act between them both. He sent some laughing faces and then the conversation continued. He did mention me to her in that, but only in the context of who is putting up the christmas decorations.

I know a lot of people on here won't agree with me, but looking at their conversation history, I feel like it's more her chasing him. I'm not saying he's innocent in this but I need to keep that in mind when I decide what to do. I don't want to end my marriage if it turns out he has a thirsty friend and he's just being polite.

Whatever you decide to do he can never accuse you of being reactive!
You seem to have given the matter so much time & energy (possibly more than those 2 deserve). It must be exhausting for you.
I hope you are managing to balance your 'detective work' with some fun time for yourself too x

You should mess with her head. Follow her on Instagram, send her a message saying you enjoyed her book & weird coincidence but you just found out that she grew up with your DH while reading the book 😇

OP, I wouldn't break up my marriage over this. That wouldn't be my intention. But I would want it to stop.

I would be scared that by asking them to confront it, they would have to think about what it really means and so, worse case scenario, they declare feelings for each other.

Is that what you are worried about?

I don't think that's likely to happen here, FWIW. Obviously I don't know because I'm just a random internet person but your gut seems to be telling you he's just enjoying the attention and happy to reply to her.

I dont think you have anything to worry about as such. But I would want this to stop. I suspect your dh would be horrified to know how you are upset by his online behaviour. So it's reasonable that he would reassure you and put the brakes on it.

But he isnt being polite though he’s continuing it and has done for years. He could of nipped this in the bud ages ago and chose not to.

Please don’t go in with rose tinted glasses on and put all the blame on her he isn’t innocent here whatever way you slice it.

It a man put a fire on my Instagram story then for sure that is him flirting with me. Unless he was my brother. That doesn’t seem like it’s her chasing him if he did that first.

There's nothing innocent about this. It seems as if her recent relationship breakdown is accelerating flirting. You're watching their budding romance.
It's awful to even hear about on here. Must be very difficult for you.
Really think it would be better to speak properly to him and try to nip this in the bud.

What are your thoughts on starting your own personal Instagram OP? You don't have to follow her, just follow him. If Instagram is his primary source of contact with her- sort of their little private bubble, maybe just slowly inserting yourself into that realm might change the dynamics a little. He might be less likely to put fire emojis on her posts if he knows there is a possibility of that hurting you and that you might see it. You might even find that he ends up putting fire emojis on your stories too. Hopefully, it will spur him to subconsciously moderate his messages thereby nipping it in the bud himself. It's not playing mind games it's just putting your foot in the door of a world that is currently shut to you.

I have been in a situation before where my own (justified) paranoia ended up spurring on a declaration of love between the two other parties. If I'd have perhaps sat on it, it might have fizzled out or it might not have. Regardless, my asking if there was something going on between him and his friend as said friend quite obviously fancied him seemed to be all the impetus he needed to start cheating. It acted as the confirmation of her feelings that he was looking for before he made his move. Prior to that, they'd just been pussyfooting around each other.

I strongly disagree with those saying you should play passive aggressive games and mess with his head / her head etc.

He's your DH. Why can't you just ask him?

....are you in touch with her, and how often? Why haven't you mentioned her before and if she's such a good friend and a big part of your life / your past, why haven't you been introduced?

Explain to him the secrecy and frequency of contact makes you feel uncomfortable - even though you do trust him, and know he isn't doing anything wrong, it still hurts. I'd also mention that leaving fire signs on another woman's pictures is not appropriate.

As long as you are reasonable and calm and don't make any demands or ultimatums, how can he not listen openly to you - his wife, who he loves.

Hopefully he will answer you honestly and take on board your feelings.

I think the fact that you haven't spoken to him yet, you are even unsure if you even can and may shoulder this silently speaks volumes about the lack of open communication in your relationship, this maybe a clue why it's been second nature to him to keep this to himself if you don't normally share details of your lives with each other and remain closed books to each other in some respect.

Sorry that was me saying to mess with her head. I just think this woman needs to be put in her place a bit. She shouldn't be as comfortable as she is having this much contact with a married man.

I would hate to think the OP would directly want to ''mess with'' the other woman.

However, i don't think there would be anything wrong with following her on instagram as she's a celebrity, and actually nothing wrong with her sending a message to say she'd bought the book and didn't realise she was a friend of DH.

Sometimes this sort of thing, initially innocent, can develop because it's easy to forget the people we're hurting...

Morning all,

I've reached utter rage this weekend. I've stayed calm and controlled for weeks but now I'm ready to blow. Ive just come off night shifts (so that's probably not helped) and gone through their messages. We are talking hundreds over the last three days alone. The minute I've left the house, chat chat chat. Incessantly until he's gone to bed.

What's really enraged me though is he was insinuating compliments, such as telling her her legs are "a fine asset" etc. Then when they signed off the conversation, she sent "goodnight gorgeous" and he replied with laughing faces. She asked him what is so funny, he didn't reply.

What's got me about this is he either thinks he is a GENIUS and sending emojis etc because he thinks if I were to confront him about it, he could say he's been brushing her off. Or the other option is he's acting that way because he genuinely isn't that interested, in which case, WHY RISK OUR MARRIAGE FOR A JOKE?!?

I felt like things were blurred before but now I feel like he's either leading another woman who he's not interested in on, or he's a conniving little rat who is being exceptionally clever about what he says in case I ever found the messages (even though I have).

Any thoughts or alternative theories would be appreciated, I'm exhausted and can't think straight. I don't know whether to cry or kill him.

I think it's to confront him properly now. You can't hold it in for much longer. It doesn't matter what he's saying in the messages, it's the fact it's constant contact he has with her. Is he at this while he's supposed to be looking after the children?

@walksonthebeach it's usually when the kids are in school or bed but still. I feel like I'm just going to explode and not be able to deal with it in the calm manner I was hoping to.

Can I ask how you are seeing the messages?

@ironneonclasp I logged into his Instagram on my phone last month and haven't logged out since. I'm guessing he would have gotten a notification from the app saying its logged in elsewhere but he's never mentioned that to me nor has he changed his password. I'm not on instagram and he has never told me has an account on there.

Since you've been together since you were 18 and yet you've never even met this woman let alone him mention that they were at school together means they were never very good friends, were they. What they have now almost 20 years later is some "relationship" based on hundreds of daily texts over the last few years. It's not just some old special friend from home - she could be anyone. Strip away the school shit and celeb bollocks and it's a plain old dirty emotional affair. No wonder you are fuming.

@fannyssteadiedbuffs just the thought of him sitting there thinking he's clever, it's really gotten to me. Or even worse, if he's just doing it because he's bored. I forgot to add before, they were talking the other day and she was saying she couldn't remember if he was taller than her or not. So you're right, they can't have been that good friends before he moved to be with me. On the plus side I suppose that verifies they haven't met in person since school

I really think you need to have this out with him how. Tell him you accidentally saw a message from her & curiosity got the better of you because she's famous & you've seen all their messages. You gave him the opportunity to tell you all about her but he's played the whole thing down. The fact you brought her up should have unnerved him a bit. That surely should have made him reign the frequency of the contact in a bit but it hasn't. Nip it in the bud before it's taken any further. Sorry you're going through this 💐