Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

This situation is so gut churningly awful on so many levels and yet so subtle and difficult to deal with, it's bloody mind blowing. No wonder you are feeling the way you are OP.

I think if it was me I would decide if I wanted to stay married. If I did I would tell him in the strongest possible terms that he must introduce you and she becomes a friend of you both and the secret messages stop between them or it's over. More likely I would decide that I wanted out of the marriage because the trust is gone and all the other reasons.
I honestly don't think I would tell him why. I think I would separate from him and divorce him. Directly after the divorce I might tell him exactly why I had done it or more likely I would see if they get together. If he then wanted to stay with me he could but it would be on my terms and that would include him dumping her entirely. I know this sounds like game playing but it would not be. It would be me protecting myself emotionally and in every other possible way.

Once he is a free man or on his way to being so, you can stand back and see which way he jumps and if he continues to try and woo you back or if he gets with her. This way you will have your answer and it will be the truth, not some bullshit he is coming up with to placate you.

Once you have divorced him, if he is not with her it will bring clarity to the situation. I don't see any other way of getting this level of clarity and I would need this level of clarity in my life.
I know this seems an extreme measure but talking to him about it will probably bring more bullshit, obfuscation and lies.

I would want to know the actual truth, not his or her version of it. The only way you will see this is if he is left to 'follow his heart'.

It might be the case that he tells her he is going to be free this time next year etc. and she might drop him like a hot coal.

Watching and waiting you would almost certainly get to find this out and again, at least you would know the truth.
It's different to if she was another woman a few streets up although it shouldn't be. The celebrity elements adds layers of difficulties. She is as bad as he is. They are horrible in their treatment of you.

He has kept her from you for 18yrs. 18yrs of deceit

I could never come back from that, whether he shagged her or not

Hope your ok op.
Yor mind must be reeling, it must be exhausting.

One case in point is how long has she been famous, in the public eye etc.
He may have known her as a childhood friend and not really been in touch so often.
As she became famous congrulations may have been exchanged and contact was established on a more regular basis.

Then as you say when her relationship floundered the contact escalated to daily during the past year.
The last years exchange certainly sounds like an emotional affair.

The previous years could have been explained reasonably.

It doesn't alter the fact that when their relationship was more platonic he should/could have mentioned her.

Imo the fact that he said 'now and again' when asked if they were in contact at all, would be the killer for me. He obv knew he had to hide the frequency, as it is completely unacceptable. It seems to be morning, noon and night, during breaks in his work etc, like they are addicted to each other. Like she is his online girlfriend.

Even if he has not said massively flirty stuff, although still a bit with all the emojis etc, her sending the pic of her in the bath really crosses the line - she knew exactly what she was doing and how it would make him feel.

I would not be brushing this off at all as an innocent thing, whether they have ever said or done anything or not. It sounds like your husband is in too deep already. I am sorry but I would really need to get to the bottom of it to have any way back from it.

By the way do not feel intimidated because this woman is a celebrity.

You are in the right.
They are in the wrong.

I’ve read all your posts OP.

As a runner I can honestly imagine packing my stuff and getting out for 30 mins during the weekend away

What do you think would happen if you sat him down and asked him outright?

So - DH I have seen how much you’ve been messaging Shirley. Please can you reassure me about what is happening?

@cheesecrack

I think op has already broached the subject and he has not been forthcoming as in reassuring her.

Hi all,

I am sorry about the slow updates, I've had other things to sort with the extended family over the last week or so.

I really appreciate your input and opinions. It's keeping me sane during these crazy times.

I've been reflecting on this and the reality is, I do want to stay married. I don't want a huge fight and I don't want to open pandoras box fully. But I don't know how I can carry on without knowing what is going on. I love my husband and our relationship, other than this, is wonderful. That's why I'm so hesitant to push on right now.

The worst part is, I've read her book and I've been looking her up relentlessly online, and she seems lovely. I even searched out other schoolfriends of theirs and when I see what she posts on their Facebook pages she seems kind and sincere. All of which makes me feel even more sick.

My gut feeling is they are into each other but neither is going to act on it,but I know if I were to ever bring it up, he will write it off as friendship. At the moment I feel like it's not just the conversations that are getting at me, it's their shared past. I feel like she has a piece of him that I don't, and it makes me feel uneasy.

I understand what everyone is saying about him being her confidante. There have been a few times in the messages that she's thanked him for talking to her "like a normal person" and grumbled about how she's surrounded by yes people. Again, kind of him, but it's a level of intimacy that makes me uneasy.

I am still working it all out, I will do something. I just don't know what yet.

Just to add so I don't look totally weak, we've been together since teenagers. Married a long time. He's a police officer, he adores our children and we've a wonderful home. I have everything I dreamed of having as a little girl and I don't want to rock the apple cart if I'm reading this wrong.

So do you plan to actually bring this up with him properly?

@Pollydaydream, I guess you can't unknow what you now know, and so at some point this will have to be discussed with your OH. But this is your life, not a soap opera, and it needs to be in your way and in the time that's right for you. No apologies needed for lack of updates.

We can all give you our opinions and POV but in the end, it’s your life and your decision. Good luck with whatever path you chose 💐

@Pollydaydream

Just to add so I don't look totally weak, we've been together since teenagers. Married a long time. He's a police officer, he adores our children and we've a wonderful home. I have everything I dreamed of having as a little girl and I don't want to rock the apple cart if I'm reading this wrong.

Op I would have to ask! She may seem lovely but she's texting your husband inappropriate messages and he is returning them. Usually of your Spidey senses are off then there's a reason . I couldn't let my oh continue an emotional affair because I didn't want to upset the apple cart. When you were younger, did you want a husband who is potentially fling to start an affair?!

@Pollydaydream I have been following this thread and I just want to say that you are handling this admirably.

I've been reflecting on this and the reality is, I do want to stay married.

You have been together since you were teenagers and have been married a long time. Surely you can bring up a subject that makes you feel uncomfortable and have a discussion about it? Whatever it is for him... escapism, fantasy or the one that got way ... It still pales in comparison to the life you have built together.

By not being forthright and just asking him directly ... Their relationship has become more important and bigger in your mind than it truly is. Have a direct conversation and bring it all out in the open. Tell him what you've told us ... Tell him all of this in your exact words

it's not just the conversations that are getting at me, it's the shared past. I feel like she has a piece of you that I don't, and it makes me feel uneasy.

it's a level of intimacy that makes me uneasy.

You have a beautiful life with your husband and kids. You need to be able to trust on that and just have an open conversation with your husband. The man loves you and your children... Why would he ever put conversations with a friend ( even if they are into each other they are only friends ATM) over his wife and kids? Just have the talk ... Tell him why the level of intimacy bothers you. He might balk, deny and try to brush it off as just being friends. But don't let that put you off ... Make it very clear. This is bothering you. This is hurting you. He cannot have a relationship that hurts his wife. I truly believe that once you have the conversation things are just going to sort themselves out. At the moment with all the Facebook stalking, looking at the posts, looking at friends post is not doing anything but making you miserable. It doesn't matter how lovely, kind or gracious she is... Her behaviour with your husband is affecting your relationship and it needs to stop. So just take the bull by the thorns and deal with it so you can put it behind you.

You could always broach the subject about why he didn't tell you that he knew her. That in itself is weird.

@reearry thank you for such a lovely response. I know exactly what you're saying, I just need to get a plan together. Thank you

@ballsdeep good point 🙄

You may want to stay married but I think you’re going to resent him in the near future and blurt it all out most likely in an argument.

Just like I said previously it will one day just spill out

Just ask him why he’s never mentioned her what’s he going to do tell you to fuck off or even leave is that a fear of yours that he will want to be with her or in his head he does.

How are you feeling in yourself in fact what would you tell your daughter if you have one on this. I’d be telling mine to broach it regardless of outcome, you can’t live like this indefinitely

I've read the entire thread and i didn't want to run.

@Pollydaydream you sound like such a wonderful lady - i wish we could go for dinner. Your husband is a very lucky man and it does sound like he is taking you for granted.

I know it's difficult, and i understand why you have taken the approach you have - it must be very frightening. I'm with the masses, you must confront it eventually or it will eat away at the relationship.

Sending your family all of the love and support.

You sound so lovely. I don’t know what I would do in the same situation but I worry that it would eat away at me if I didn’t speak with him about it.

If she wasn’t known would you discuss it with him? Her being in the public eye doesn’t make it okay. She might be lovely but it shouldn’t be a secret friendship.

My DH is also a policeman and he had a friend who was a nurse. He'd mention her though which I know is different but I just didn't really like it. He knew I didn't really like it which is why he told me.
He'd pop to the ward when using the canteen and say hello and when she as on days off he'd pop round to her house for a 'brew'.
We'd see her in town and she'd always be friendly to me so i never had cause to kick up a fuss.
Then along came Facebook and she added me and would comment on stuff and then we'd see her in town and she'd speak to me as much as DH and as the years have passed I speak to her more than DH does.
He still jokes that I have pinched his friend and although he doesn't work shifts and of course, Covid.....life has moved on.
This thread reminded me of the uneasy feelings I had though so I totally understand.

They have clearly flirted and I think this is the bit that won't sit right until you have chance to really talk to your DH if that moment will ever come up? If you think this is a long haul situation then the age old 'keep your friends close' until you've decided which way to go with this.

I think you're being super composed and using this time wisely.

To Add - he told me because he doesn't keep secrets and wanted to reassure me!

What about a reconnect weekend, is there anyone you’d trust enough to leave your dc with and turn your phones off? Have a phone bag, get you both to turn them off and put them in, 10 min check before dinner in case anything re dc, and back off and in bag. To see if he can enjoy time with you for a couple of days without messaging her, or if he can’t get by without her.

I can feel you pain radiating through your words Polly.
Can totally understand how you don't want to lose the wonderful life you've had but Pandora's box is already open. You know the secret and it's eating you up. You're obsessively thinking about it, Facebook stalking, etc. It is making you feel terrible. You need to speak to your husband--calmly and rationally.
Tell him how it's making you feel. If he loves you like he should then he will respect that and want to make it right.

You really need to say something. This would be eating me alive.