Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

Mr Tumnus = yes, Mr Tumble = no.

I don't think people should be asking who the woman is. I also don't think the OP should be denying the names of famous people either, as it could get to the stage where people can work out who it could be! It's private and disrespectful to keep asking!

@davekim ha same! Probably why I think it's her.

No updates?

Tbh I'm not surprised she has disappeared. PR people for 'slebs' tend to keep an eye on any online activity relevant to their client and may have acted....of course I may be completely wrong. We will never know.

@NotaWickedStepMum55

Tbh I'm not surprised she has disappeared. PR people for 'slebs' tend to keep an eye on any online activity relevant to their client and may have acted....of course I may be completely wrong. We will never know.

Or it was just fake

🤔

Hi all,

No, I haven't confronted him yet. I just felt like the adrenaline left me and I've been pretty melancholy since.

After thinking about it for the last couple of weeks, I do feel they're just friends, but I also feel it is unacceptable. I just feel too flat to deal with this properly right now. Flat and tired.

Eugh.

@Pollydaydream bless you. Look after yourself.

I'm sorry your feeling deflated at the moment op.
You have a lot on your plate.
Take care

Sending hugs

Keep going OP Your feelings are only natural x

Really tough situation all round @Pollydaydream. Just look after yourself. As you say, on the surface he's done nothing wrong. It's an online friendship with an old school friend that sometimes gets a little flirty, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or there would ever be any intentions to cheat. Understandably though the level of closeness and the fact he's never mentioned her is upsetting to you and will naturally have knocked you for six. How you decide to deal with this knowledge now that you do know about it is something that only you can decide. Take care 💐 xxx

Hope your OK op. I've been watching this thread with interest not because of the celeb couldn't care less who this is. But could it be possible the celeb cannot trust many people and asked your dh to keep things between them 2? Not for ea but for her protection your dh might tell you stuff then you pass it on with excitement not realising your breaking his trust people get carried away with celeb gossip. This may explain the co dependency on him? He's her trusted friend who go way back probably before she was famous and that's why there so close. how many of us have friends who discuss personal issues but want it kept between the 2 involved not there oh or sister etc. I would read the book see what she is like if its an autobiography but by reading might tell your dh he was right keeping this from you as your a fan. Its hard but I have kept many private conversations from my oh to keep the confidence of the person who trusted me to not blab. I hope you get sorted and its not as bad as you thought.

Pessimistic makes a good point. I've had a couple of semi famous friends and there's an unspoken deal where we knew it was all private, I would never repeat what we talked about or did. And some of it would make juicy headlines. So they got to just hang out normally, as mates, instead of deal with the fame shit. Maybe it's just that. I wish you well whatever is going on.

He has compartmentalised her away from you. It's still not right though.

Good point about celebs needing 'safe' confidantes however this shouldn't have to be one that is I married & needed first & foremost by his wife & family. A professional counsellor would provide a confidential outlet if needed. Sounds like a boundary issue - she shouldn't rely on him to the extent she appears to do so & in turn he shouldn't feel he has to check in with her on a daily basis. Is your DH a nurse too OP? He sounds (as do you) like a caring person. Perhaps it's time to prioritise those who need his attention most ie you & your DC.
I hope your strength & passion return soon! x

Maybe when your next watching tv and he’s furiously texting his wannabe side piece just say, ‘Ohh is (d list celebs name) watching too?’. Whether or not she’s mildly famous seems a bit irrelevant, also does your husband not trust you?
Posters are suggesting that he might think you’d immediately go running to take a break magazine about some low rent celebs day to day business! As if anyone would care.
What an insult.

OP your gut feel and mood is right. It has all the hallmarks of becoming an emotional affair. There is no way I would want my DH texting another woman in secret like that. It doesn’t matter that she is famous. Take that out of it for now (why would there be different rules whether you are famous or not) and it is him having a close relationship with another woman. I would not choose that and would tell my DH outright. Equally he would not want me doing this with another man.

Hi, OP. I've been following your thread and your tiredness really comes through. I don't blame you for not wanting to say anything yet. Bide your time until you're in the correct frame of mind.

Fwiw I do think it's an emotional affair which, while it may never lead to anything, does undermine your marriage and will need to be dealt with/confronted at some time. I'm so sorry that you're in this position. Thinking of you 💐

Oh OP I really feel for you! I hope you can manage to bring it up to him as the is EA IMO.
Stay strong

You do know this will fester and you will one day scream this out at him

It’s already begun

thank you for your update, sorry that you’re feeling so low.💐

My situation is different to yours but I was engaged to someone who is now famous when we were teenagers. We have kept in touch over the years but my husband, family and friends all know about him. Luckily my husband’s not the jealous type but he did say once how different my life would have been had we stayed together.
He’s not on social media but we email each other occasionally to say Happy Birthday or if he’s on tour I know that I can ask for tickets and he won’t mind.

I think when you're feeling better you really need to talk things through.
Maybe reading her book would make you feel better and give you some insight. I hope that things work out for you and that your husband can understand your feelings and how he would feel if it was you doing what he’s doing. Hopefully it’s just a crush or it just makes him feel special her having him to talk to. Maybe some kind of counselling would help, especially if it’s someone else asking him questions. Asking what he gets from the friendship and as to why he has kept it secret for so long.

Regarding celebrities wanting discreet friends, OP is this man’s trusted wife (and a medical professional) and she certainly understands discretion. If this were innocent, her H would have informed her about this friend years ago. Communication would be occasional (like he recently pretended it is), not constant. Transparency would be the norm instead of secrecy. He would not be damaging his marriage by pouring such a huge amount of emotional energy into this newly single woman.

OP, you deserve an equal, mutually respectful relationship. It sounds like you are feeling drained and diminished by H’s deceptive behavior. I hope you will be able to rest, gather your strength, take him off the pedestal, and assert your boundaries. His cake eating is wrong.

Actually Beefcurtains79 has touched on something there.

It's not just the betrayal and the emotional energy he is spending on this woman but also the possible implication that if the OP knew about it all, that she would blab.

They both really have ten bob each way on themselves don't they?

Thatsmechickenarm, exactly. The arrogance of them thinking the OP simply couldn’t help herself blabbing this woman’s business to everyone because she has a modicum of fame is so insulting and embarrassing.
A mere civilian couldn’t possibly be trusted to keep this wonderful woman’s confidence could they?