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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

692 replies

Pollydaydream · 29/10/2020 22:43

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

OP posts:
Lambster · 03/11/2020 17:55

The only way to think about this OP is to think long and hard about how you would consider yourself being the one doing what he is doing.

--talking to another man every day for years and sharing all kinds of day to day details of your life (albeit not mentioning your DH)
--liking another man's SM photos (all the ones without his wife in)
--sending 'hot' 'shocked' etc emoji's to another man's 'bathing' et al photos and telling him he was good looking etc.
--chatting to another man on his wedding day
--the same time you're doing the above, you stop posting photos of your DH / family on all your social media (whereas you previously did)

Ask yourself now, how would you feel about doing all of the above and never mentioning any of it to your DH...

This is 100% an emotional affair.

Daftapath · 03/11/2020 18:11

You also don't know whether it has stopped at messages. Have they spoken on the phone or video call occasionally maybe?

Onthedunes · 03/11/2020 19:29

@Lambster..... so right

You can just hear him...

She wouln't want me ! (would she, in his head?)

I kept it quite because you get so jealous (wife" I'm not jealous", him "oh you are remember xyz".

Shes famous and I tried to protect her privacy, how noble of me.

I knew you wouldn,t understand.

Your saying men can,t be friends with women?

Anymore excuses he will come out with so we can forewarn the OP?

SpongeWorthy · 03/11/2020 19:54

[quote Onthedunes]@Lambster..... so right

You can just hear him...

She wouln't want me ! (would she, in his head?)

I kept it quite because you get so jealous (wife" I'm not jealous", him "oh you are remember xyz".

Shes famous and I tried to protect her privacy, how noble of me.

I knew you wouldn,t understand.

Your saying men can,t be friends with women?

Anymore excuses he will come out with so we can forewarn the OP?[/quote]
"This is why I couldn't tell you"

Classic.

CrimsonCattery · 03/11/2020 20:42

Good luck OP. I hope your shifts are enough to distract you in the meantime without wearing you out.

CrimsonCattery · 03/11/2020 20:44

Good luck OP. I hope your shifts are enough to distract you in the meantime without wearing you out.

CrimsonCattery · 03/11/2020 20:45

Good luck OP. I hope your shifts are enough to distract you in the meantime without wearing you out.

Noshowlomo · 03/11/2020 21:01

Oh I’d be fuming. What a cockle!
Itching to know who it is though 🙈

Pollydaydream · 03/11/2020 21:02

Thanks everyone, I'm just pushing on for now.

I'm pretty convinced it's an emotional affair. Its like it's not a relationship, it's not platonic, it's platonic-plus. There is more to this than normal friendship. Although she appears to be fiercely independent (which I know he would find appealing), I do think the Knight/damsel in distress theory someone mentioned plays a part. Not defending her AT ALL but I feel like he's upped communication when her marriage started to break down and she was vulnerable. But now she's lapping it up and he's loving it.

I feel like he's waited years to do this and never thought his chance would come alone. I feel like that's why he hasn't hit on her,not because he's being respectful to me, because he doesn't want to blow it.

He's been having his cake and eating it but that won't be for long.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 03/11/2020 21:03

Cock not cockle

Pollydaydream · 03/11/2020 21:11

Cockle made me laugh though 😂

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 03/11/2020 21:13

Cock not cockle !

Noshowlomo · 03/11/2020 21:14

Oh I’d be fuming. What a cockle!
Itching to know who it is though 🙈

Noshowlomo · 03/11/2020 21:15

Oh I’d be fuming. What a cockle!
Itching to know who it is though 🙈

TaintForTheLikesOfWe · 03/11/2020 21:24

I would be releasing him into the wild and let him see how he gets on. This is beyond a normal betrayal. It's far worse than a ONS or even a short lived affair. It's like they think they are star crossed lovers or soul mates or something. It's fricking gut churning.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe · 03/11/2020 21:25

I would be releasing him into the wild and let him see how he gets on. This is beyond a normal betrayal. It's far worse than a ONS or even a short lived affair. It's like they think they are star crossed lovers or soul mates or something. It's fricking gut churning.

Glumgal · 03/11/2020 21:26

Hope you get some satisfactory answers at the weekend @Pollydaydream and he realises it's not acceptable to have kept this from you.

In the meantime here's some 💐 for you.

Glumgal · 03/11/2020 21:27

Hope you get some satisfactory answers at the weekend @Pollydaydream and he realises it's not acceptable to have kept this from you.

In the meantime here's some 💐 for you.

MolotovMocktail · 03/11/2020 21:34

What a dick. Personally I’d screenshot the messages, flog them to the Daily Fail then use the money to build a new life.

Pollydaydream · 03/11/2020 21:48

@TaintForTheLikesOfWe That's exactly what I think is going on! Some slow burn, romcom style relationship in their heads, meant to be but stuck with me!

Not sure if it's apparent I'm getting angrier as the week goes on.

OP posts:
Pollydaydream · 03/11/2020 21:48

@TaintForTheLikesOfWe That's exactly what I think is going on! Some slow burn, romcom style relationship in their heads, meant to be but stuck with me!

Not sure if it's apparent I'm getting angrier as the week goes on.

OP posts:
Pollydaydream · 03/11/2020 21:50

@molotovmocktail trust me I'm screen shotting.

OP posts:
Daisyjay · 03/11/2020 21:52

Polly I think you have an amazing amount of patience & take my hat off to you for showing such composure. I know I wouldn't be as disciplined if it were me in your shoes! I'm a nurse too so quite understand your need to stay calm (but for me this only applies to my work!!!)!Take care & stay safe lovely

Onthedunes · 03/11/2020 21:55

@MolotovMocktail

Yes you can see the headlines ........ such and such celebrity keeping Nurse's husband company with enticing pictures whilst she out fighting Covid.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 03/11/2020 21:59

Hope the week goes fast for you @Pollydaydream

And you're a better woman than I am not losing my shit by now for sure.