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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

692 replies

Pollydaydream · 29/10/2020 22:43

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

OP posts:
Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 03/11/2020 22:01

Your a better woman than me @Pollydaydream.
I would of kicked off massively by now and I think your very strong with all your work and what your dealing with plus normal life also.
I hope you get the bottom of it.

Original poster
Pollydaydream · 03/11/2020 22:07

@molotovmocktail trust me I'm screen shotting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollydaydream · 03/11/2020 22:08

@TaintForTheLikesOfWe That's exactly what I think is going on! Some slow burn, romcom style relationship in their heads, meant to be but stuck with me!

Not sure if it's apparent I'm getting angrier as the week goes on.

OP posts:
jelly79 · 03/11/2020 22:08

Oh big hugs OP! Get to him and ask all your questions before you go mad x

mike3 · 03/11/2020 22:15

Respect to you for holding off until your shifts are done for the week.

mike3 · 03/11/2020 22:20

Respect to you for holding off until your shifts are done for the week.

GreekOddess · 03/11/2020 22:20

Come on at least give us the initials?!

mike3 · 03/11/2020 22:21

Respect to you for holding off until your shifts are done for the week.

mike3 · 03/11/2020 22:22

Respect to you for holding off until your shifts are done for the week.

PepsiLola · 03/11/2020 22:24

I would make a Instagram and "find him" and start with the "I didn't know you had Instagram? Why the secret profile".

The let him do the talking and see whether or not it ties into what you actually know?

Maybe ask him if you can look at his and swipe to open his messages by accident and be like "why are you messaging X"

Obviously he might not fall into the fake scenario I've made up in my head, but if he did it would be amazing 😂

Marmozet · 03/11/2020 22:27

Start following her and give him the impression you've become a mega fan of hers. See how he reacts to that 😂 But in all seriousness, how are you able to be so patient with this?

lavenderlove · 03/11/2020 22:31

How strange that he's never mentioned her once. I really wonder what his excuse is going to be for that? Hope you're ok op you must be feeling so confused

namechange20202020 · 03/11/2020 22:45

Oh god op what are you going to do? Do you've anyone to chat to in real life?

DuzzyFuck · 03/11/2020 22:45

Oh wow! I've just read the full thread and now fully invested in this conundrum! I hope you're ok OP and you can get to the bottom of this soon x

I have two quite close male friends, one I've known since we were 11 and one is an ex of well over a decade ago. I suppose some conversations I have with them could also be seen by an outsider as 'intimate' but there is absolutely nothing untoward going on with either and nor will there ever be, we just have affection for each other. From that respect I sort of understand the relationship they seem to have.

That said, we don't speak anywhere near daily and my DP knows all about both and them all about him. I don't talk about them often as I don't think he needs to know every conversation we have, but it would be odd if they were a total secret Hmm

ilikemethewayiam · 03/11/2020 23:03

The issue here is the secrecy! It’s irrelevant who she is. He didn’t accidentally forget to tell you he knows her, he has actively And deliberately not told you. You have been kept in the dark. You are the outsider in this triangle. If there is nothing to hide then there’s is no reason not to tell you. The fact that’s he’s concealed this for all those years would make me wonder what else is he keeping from me. This would be a deal breaker for me, not the content of the relationship but the secrecy. I cannot think of a single excuse he could come up that would justify it. Protecting her privacy would be insulting to you, it’s saying he doesn’t trust you to be discreet. Obviously you need to speak to him. I’d be interested to hear his excuse!

Wagsandclaws · 03/11/2020 23:06

I wonder if they had the chance if they would actually meet up? You have access to their convos - has there ever been any discussion around this?

I feel for you I really do, bad enough that he's in many ways betraying you but I'm sure in his head he thinks he isn't. It's all bollocks and she's a twat as she knows he is married with children!

Original poster
Pollydaydream · 03/11/2020 23:16

@Wagsandclaws well she lives by his parents, who we usually visit 4 or 5 times a year. With the covid situation going on, we have only visited once this year and other than when he went on a morning run, he was with me the whole time. However my gut says that if things weren't like they are right now, they would meet given the chance. I feel sick thinking about that run (I know that sounds stupid). I don't think they met because he was only gone for 30 minutes and it was about 6am,but I keep playing scenarios in my head where hes running past her house to try and catch a glimpse. I don't know, I don't want to let my imagination run away with me because I need to keep my cool for when I talk to him about it at the end of the week.

OP posts:
NoPrivateSpy · 03/11/2020 23:38

Trust your gut. No one keeps friends hidden from their partners, least of all famous ones!

Really sorry though, OP. This is horrible for you.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/11/2020 23:43

There’s a chance may never plan to meet in person. That might be too much and break the rhythm of their conversation, too much pressure, it might pop the bubble.

Onthedunes · 04/11/2020 00:19

Didn't you say this morning run was at Christmas?

Enough time to drop a card and pressie at her parents.
Look back at monies spent at time.

Wagsandclaws · 04/11/2020 03:28

@Pollydaydream I'm inclined to think she enjoys the hero worship and the exclusively of their conversations, she could get it from anywhere but she likes it from your bloody husband!

He is being at best a disingenuous knob and at worst a cheating bastard. Perhaps not yet but if the intention is there that would be enough for me to hit the button.

Your measured view of all of this tells me you are sadly not being paranoid. I'm afraid I would have gone ballistic at the innuendos in the emojis, how disrespectful of him ( at the very least! )

Go with your gut as other people have said. You are not paranoid and you have good reason to be concerned. Arm yourself with the info needed to confront him over this, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Good luck - I really feel for you. I hope this is more innocent than it appears but his reactions to some of their conversations tell me that this is perhaps not the case.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe · 04/11/2020 07:05

I have never been stuck for what I would want to say in a situation on these boards until now. I'm looking across at DH and trying to imagine how I would feel if I found out this about him. I'm trying to imagine how I would deal with it and what I would say and I am struggling because it's so subtle and ....strange and yet so outrageously an awful thing to do within a marriage.

Him watching the tele program with you when really in his head he was watching it with her so he could comment later to her about it just makes me feel cold to the marrow. How much of his life is he living just so he has something interesting to say to her to keep her interested in him? It's sort of blown my mind.

It's the sidelining. It's the diminishment. It's the being put in the position of lesser despite you are keeping your end up and then some. How fucking dare he?

I don't think anything on here has given me the rage to this degree. I would know that I would never be able to come back from this and I would go ice cold, pack up and leave without explaining why for a year. I wouldn't give him the dignity of knowing the reason why.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe · 04/11/2020 07:07

OH and FUCK OFF JOURNALISTS. This is someones life here!

Windmillwhirl · 04/11/2020 07:15

TaintForTheLikesOfWe I couldnt agree more. How dare he is right. OP, he lives with you, no doubt enjoys your looking after and out for him, all the while having this secret friendship/whatever that he knows is wrong and that is why he has never told you.

I'd be livid too. I admire your keeping so cool.

It is so disrespectful and I'm sure he will play it down when confronted because he knows there is no real future with this other woman. He's been happy to keep the fantasy of it in his mind though. Just awful.

Sundance2741 · 04/11/2020 07:16

Told your story to my DH last night and he was appalled. If it were me, I'd have had it out with him already. I admire your patience. It's the secrecy that's so awful - who would not tell their partner something like this?

I keep up with a couple of exes from decades back but my DH knows and we don't message often and never in an intimate way. My DH makes no secret of the fact he dislikes one of these guys (they have met and are very different types) but he respects my choice to keep in touch and knows I meet up with him once in a blue moon.

Partners should trust and respect each other- sadly, whatever is going on, your DH doesn't seem to respect you and you can't trust him.