Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

OP, please talk to him! I was the one having an emotional affair, and my XH spied on me. (The EA went on for years talking about mundane stuff. My marriage was tanking, had been for years. I decided to separate, told XH and only then the messages with EA guy became more explicit - we live far away, so no physical relationship).

HX found out and spent MONTHS spying on us. Using pieces of my conversations with EA guy when talking to me. I thought I was going mad. He logged in my Instagram and messenger. The messages would appear as "read" before I read them.

Eventually I figured it out. But it was horrible. I was having panic attacks.

Yes, your husband has a proper EA. He may want to act on it or not. Maybe he's grooming her to trade you for her (men usually jump from one relationship to other). Maybe not.

Knock it on the head. What he has with her is significant, don't let he pretend it's not.

(By the way, my EA ended and I eventually figured out he was a selfish narcissist idiot, and now I'm single and happy)

@Fredelliottisayfredelliott

Hang on, you seem to be aware they were already friends on Facebook. Surely you are friends with him on Facebook so you would have seen her on there. You never mentioned to him the fact he was friends with a famous person?

Perhaps the OP wasn't on FB and only recently set up an account?

Are we sure she is who she says she is? Like, is it her legit accounts?

Doesn’t really matter either way tbh, this is an emotional affair. He’s investing so much into his relationship with her that doesn’t line up with a platonic relationship, plus she is a total secret from you.

It’s up to you how you move forward from this, but it’s absolutely an affair.

@Fredelliottisayfredelliott

If OP has never actively been on husband's account she might not have known that the woman was on his friends' list. You can make your friends list private etc. I've also set it so that people can't see me in other people's friends' lists too. If she's famous she might also be using a partialisation of her name that isn't obvious unless you know it's her. It sounds like he is more active on her profile than she is on his.

I don't think this would bother me unduly tbh.

It sounds like they're just old mates from back in the day, and it's continued from a position of a long friendship, which always breeds a bit of familiarity. Maybe she talks to him because he doesn't treat her like "Mrs Famous Person", more just like he's some normal bloke she knows who she can talk to abut normal things.

Why not wait until her name appears in the media/she's on TV or whatever and say something like ... "Oh, that's ... she comes from like you doesn't she?" and see if he admits to knowing her.

@Glumgal

Kelly Brook? She's slightly older at 40 but it's definitely something she would do... and she has a book.

"Definitely"? You know her well then do you? What a weird comment!

I am perplexed about the messages sent on her wedding day. When I think back to my wedding day (in the days before mobile phones - bliss) I definitely wouldn't have had time to text anyone, nor would I have even thought about texting someone on such a day.
Other posters have intimated that he may not be communicating with the real celebrity, but someone using her identity - is this even possible?

@Orkneys @SpongeWorthy

I did think the "In all seriousness" on the next line made it clear I wasn't being.... well serious.... No?

Ok I'll get my coat.

What's the plan OP?

Read, screen shot, save, confront at the weekend?

Are you deluded. He's talking to another woman and your still with him you've got mug written all across your forehead love

@EpochTime

I am perplexed about the messages sent on her wedding day. When I think back to my wedding day (in the days before mobile phones - bliss) I definitely wouldn't have had time to text anyone, nor would I have even thought about texting someone on such a day. Other posters have intimated that he may not be communicating with the real celebrity, but someone using her identity - is this even possible?

I agree with this! I looked at my phone in the morning and then only picked it up again in the evening to take some photos!

Such a strange thing to be happening, are you sure her account is legit? He could be being catfished?

I can't see any issues with the messages. A few a tiny bit flirty but nothing bad.

It feels like your looking for something untoward?

It's odd that he's never mentioned her. I'd want that explaining.

To me, she shuts him down (politely) but not harshly otherwise that could stop the day to day chats, which they both clearly enjoy. She knows he likes her more than he should. He isn’t quite sure what she thinks and follows her lead when she shuts him down - he is married after all so he can’t press her and she knows that. He also doesn’t want to look like that kind of husband/man to her but wants to give her an inkling. They both really enjoy each other’s company and give each other a bit of a ego boost.

Now she is single it’s a hard one to gauge. They have upped the chats to daily which at a guess she is now more comfortable with doing and probably enjoys the male attention/friendship now her husband’s gone. The fact he is following her lead with the new frequency of chats explains it all to me. She’s in charge of where this all leads. But obviously he too may have morals. I’m not a mind reader, but it’s not great really.

Maybe they were good friends at school etc etc. Maybe she was his first crush but she wasn’t keen on anything romantic but really enjoyed his company. I think she just likes having him ‘around’. Your DH on the other hand 🤷‍♀️

I'm with DH exactly the same length of time as you OP & I would be so shocked if I found out that he went to school with a famous person & never thought to mention it in all that time. Has she never come on the telly while you were watching it together. If one of us even saw a Z lister from a distance we would tell each other about it. It's so weird he hasn't ever mentioned her before. The must be history there.

Yeah Catfished probably, still wrong though!

Suzi Perry?
Alexa Chung?
Charlotte Hawkins?
Stacey Dooley?
Anita Raini?

They are the only tv people I can find without kids - there aren’t many - unless it’s an actress or singer?

I think you need to confront him about this directly, it seems from the evidence given that its some type of emotional affair.

an emotional affair is worse than a sexual one
trust your gut

I would feel totally betrayed by his lies.

Hi all, I am just catching up with the responses on this, wow.

First off, he's definitely not being catfished, it's a verified account and they talk about personal things, like they know each others parents etc and talk about mutual friends.

With regards to Facebook, she has a personal account that is under a childhood nickname. She doesn't comment on his posts or pics but she likes the majority of them. I had never noticed because I've never looked at the likes on any of his posts.

A few commenters have mentioned me saying she's famous. I'm not saying that's the thing that's getting to me, I'm saying that's what makes it weirder. Like, if she pops up on TV, I would have expected him to mention he knows her. We live hundreds of miles away from where he lived until he moved to be by me at 18. Everyone in his hometown knows he is friends with her, yet I don't know if anyone in his life here with me does.

I know everyone keeps saying I should confront him, but like I keep saying, I'm on shifts until the weekend and I can't be having an emotional meltdown arguing with him and then going to deal with covid patients. I am going to speak to him at the weekend when we are both off.

The book has arrived but I haven't left it out. I'm on the shelf about it.

The fact I've seen her liking his fb posts is enough for me to broach him knowing her without saying I've looked at his insta. I think that's the way I'm going to deal with it.

I know this all sounds overly methodical but that's how I have to deal with things so I can do my job properly and then deal with this issue properly. If it wasn't for the pandemic I would have totally lost my rag by now.

Thank you everyone for your opinions and insights, it's certainly helping me keep my game face this week.

Maybe she was his babysitter or friend of his family in some way! Clutching at straws 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@doughnut100 THIS is exactly what I think is the case. That's another reason why I've been able to keep so calm, I actually don't know if either of them realises what they're doing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not justifying it, I mean that in the sense that if they don't realise they're doing anything wrong, he's going to think I'm nuts.

Polly can I just say, you sound like such an admirable woman. You're so strong and dealing with this fantastically.

Good luck @Pollydaydream

I'm sure that they have each justified it to themselves that they are not doing anything wrong but your DH is over invested in another woman. I would see that as a betrayal to my marriage and relationship. The fact that he has never mentioned it (lying by omission) makes it even worse. I would be asking him what he would think if the tables were turned and you spent as long each day talking to another man that he didn't know about, sending and receiving photos in the bath and commenting with flame emojis, etc. In fact, if he is at all defensive about it and continues in the same vein, I would point out that you will find a 'pen pal' to have a similar relationship with!

I think they do know it's inappropriate hence keeping it 99% on the side of not flirty. How would you feel if he spoke to his sister or Mum or cousin everyday- would you feel they were over involved in your life and you weren't his primary "person"?