Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

Yeah if they're so close as friends I'm also wondering why you both weren't invited to her wedding.

@DumDaDumDum I think you may be right on the surface but it is still extremely inconsiderate on her part and hugely disrespectful on her husbands part.

@Hamm87 People don't do this, hide someones identity for 18 years.
He's a liar by omission.

Every time shes on TV, radio whatever there was never any mention of knowing her, really?

Its a horrible realisation when you feel you never knew the man you were living with and this is what she is grappling with.

It may seem harmless to some but it makes you wonder what someone is capable of when it feels like a whole different life is being kept from you.

Makes you feel a mug.

If this is true, he should be out on his ass by now. I'd have blown up at him and asked him wtf he was playing at.

@Pollydaydream

Thank you both. The ex comment would make sense, they could have dated in school I suppose. Would explain a lot.

Haha I can't name her in case I'm being paranoid here, but it's someone with a wholesome reputation not a Katy Price type.

Emma Watson?

I simply can't focus on the question at hand without a little clue....come on who cares she's been messaging your husband behind your back. Out her.

@Jenasaurus

I was thinking Anthea Turner

She said wholesome image

From someone who sat on such things as this and the found out out there were many other lies/deceits along the way, please confront him with it. Don't sit on it thinking it will go away. Shining a light of day on these things will make it seem embarrassing and cheap and maybe it will stop him from texting her. Sorry Op this must be a shock

I agree with @Longdistance

Polly, he won’t be truly emotionally present with you and the children while he is enmeshed and preoccupied with her.

The White Knight/Damsel dynamic seems to have played a part in all this. The ego boosts can be intoxicating if strong boundaries are not in place.

The photo of her hand/wine glass in the bubble bath was certainly suggestive and did elicit his Wowza response that she was looking for. It sounds like they are now having cyber date nights.

As for their messages, she appears to be provocatively fishing and he is flirting back with his clever retorts. This is an Emotional Affair with attraction and they are moving toward more. This is not the behavior of a loyal husband and father.

It would be unwise to underreact here. I would bring this out in the open with directness. He has abused your trust, so don’t tolerate any manipulation like minimizing or blame shifting. He might downplay this as friendship, but he has marginalized you and stomped on YOUR boundaries, and that is what matters.

I think they knew each other in the group but have become close online 'friends' since.

I would be very annoyed. I can't believe he set up an Instagram account because she said she had lots more photos there. That's so rude to you.

Honestly I would pick up the book and say "do you know anything about this woman?" and if he said anything other than ""yes I know her personally actually" I would have it right out with him.

He does fancy her clearly. He might not have decided to pursue her but he's flattering her, developing closeness with the everyday talking and putting your relationship at risk.

Michelle Keegan! No kids & hasn't posted photos on instagram with Mark for ages & vice Versa!

Sorry your going through this OP 💐

It's defo not Michelle Keegan you'd go ape shit whatever the message was.. no women is secure enough to tolerate her husband messaging her she is stunning !!

It sounds like it’s just messaging and massaging each other’s egos but they wouldn’t do anything for real. But I can totally understand why you’re upset.

I can think of hardly anyone who fits the criteria.

1. No kids
2. Married
3. Writes books (or has them about them)
4. Late 30's
5. Attractive, wholesome with a saucy side
6. Famous
7. Does a lot of overseas travel

Nearly everyone who fits the above criteria has children. Is she really famous or if we were told who it was would we say "who?".

Bizarre and completely unacceptable in any case.

Joss stone?

Oh no I don’t think she’s written a book!

Susanna Reid??

Op you're being amazing with this!

Lucy Worsley?

Kelly Brook? She's slightly older at 40 but it's definitely something she would do... and she has a book.

In all seriousness though it really does sound as though your DH is a little bit starstruck and that she enjoys the normality of chatting to someone who knew her before she was famous.

No excuse for never mentioning her to you though. That's just weird. It does scream emotional affair sadly x

Hang on, you seem to be aware they were already friends on Facebook. Surely you are friends with him on Facebook so you would have seen her on there. You never mentioned to him the fact he was friends with a famous person?

Or am I missing something?

It can't be michelle keegan, the op said she stayed in the area they went to school in, I think Michelle moved to Essex with Mark?

@Glumgal

Kelly Brook? She's slightly older at 40 but it's definitely something she would do... and she has a book.

In all seriousness though it really does sound as though your DH is a little bit starstruck and that she enjoys the normality of chatting to someone who knew her before she was famous.

No excuse for never mentioning her to you though. That's just weird. It does scream emotional affair sadly x

What a horrible remark to make do you know Kelly Brook personally? Says more about YOU than anything

Once when I was single this guy I worked with and really got on with told me he wanted to leave his gf for me. I didn't fancy him and I turned him down very nicely. But then we texted all the time. Multiple texts daily, Christmas, while he was on holiday with his gf, all the time. And it was all 100% day to day stuff. But I knew it was all based on the fact he was besotted with me. In hindsight I am not proud at all and I should have left him alone. From his girlfriend's point of view it was an emotional affair. When I started dating someone else I instantly knocked it on the head because I knew it wasn't 100% innocent even though I had never fancied him, but I enjoyed the attention and knew it didn't come from an innocent place.

The take home point here is that absolutely none of our messages were suggestive or would ring any alarm bells if you read them. But it still wasn't innocent. (He now feels very bitter towards me and I don't blame him at all.) So FWIW this is what could be going on with your husband. She knows he fancies her and is enjoying the attention without any intention of it going anywhere, and he could be dreaming or hoping, he probably doesn't ever expect it to go somewhere but just enjoys it.