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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

very new man, parent ill

126 replies

yellowhighheels · 25/10/2020 09:15

Hi all,

I have been on 6 dates with a man from OLD over a few weeks and he has asked me to 'go out with him'. I was unsure as he was physically pushy at one point but we have talked and he apologised. I have decided to give it a chance as I like a lot about him and haven't felt a spark in ages with anyone else.

However, I have known since we started chatting that sadly his dad is unwell and there was a complication this week so he has had to spend time there and in hospital.

He has said he can't wait to spend time with me but will need to play it by ear for a bit. His dad could need the extra support for some time although care is in place.

I'm not really sure how to handle this. We text daily a few times and I send good wishes. however, as things are so new, I honestly don't know how 'supportive' to be at this stage, as in how much to ask etc even though I do care, as I would with anyone who is going through a hard time.

Also, I am not quite sure what 'going out' means to him, re exclusivity and it's hardly a good time to ask. His dad's complications happened after he asked me. I was a bit blindsided and sort of responded with a jokey 'yes' without clarifying and now can't, really.

How would you handle this? I am thinking hold on a week or two and then if he is still unavailable but in touch, gently ask whether he is in a position for a relationship at the moment?

If I am honest, i was put off by the pushiness. His apology seemed genuine and I do like him enough to give him a chance. However, I don't feel invested or trusting enough in this to wait for him forever but don't want to be unkind or write it off prematurely.

Things would be very different in an established relationship when of course, I would offer help and/ or step back for as long as needed.

I'm approaching mid 30s and with lockdown and a long illness last year, don't want to put off meeting the right man any longer.

I am aware this post is from a self centred point of view. I would not voice any of this to someone whose parent is ill, and fully understand that his dad is the priority at the minute.

I'm just wondering how others would proceed in these circs. I have anxiety and boundary issues so appreciate others' views

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 25/10/2020 09:21

What do you mean, 'physically pushy?' that would put me right off for a start. Also 6 dates is a bit early to be chasing for a relationship status.

To be honest, I'd let him look after his Dad, be kind in the background, but not pin my hopes on the one.

gobbynorthernbird · 25/10/2020 09:28

The longer you hang around waiting for him, the longer you're putting off finding 'the right man'. I'll give you a clue, it isn't someone who is physically pushy.

Ariela · 25/10/2020 09:32

I'd let him get on with looking after his dad, he doesn't need any courting complications on the side. Maybe this time next week say you were thinking of him and hope his dad is OK, and see if conversation progresses.

Gah81 · 25/10/2020 09:37

Am also interested in some more background behind "physically pushy".

That aside: my now DH and I had gone for 5 dates when my mother got very ill. I explained I needed a bit of time to deal with things and he was lovely. Gave me complete space apart from sending the odd random text to say he was thinking of me and remembered my birthday a month or so later. There was a real spark there and I was - when I had headspace to think about it - sad that I had had to press pause.

But there was no expectation from me that he would wait around. A few months later, mum was better and we were able to resume dating and here we are 8 years later.

The complete space (while ensuring I knew he had not forgotten me) was so much appreciated. He judged it just right. But I also knew that after such a short period of time I could not "tie" him into waiting around for me - that would not have been right.

Strangedays20 · 25/10/2020 09:39

Physically pushy is not good and you don’t know him well enough to trust him.

StephenBelafonte · 25/10/2020 09:39

Can you clarify "physically pushy"

Original poster

yellowhighheels · 25/10/2020 09:41

Tokyosushi Well, I said I didn't want sex for a few more dates, following a date with someone else that involved being sexually harassed, pretty much, which unearthed uncomfortable memories.

He seemed to take this as a challenge (not for sex itself but to do more than just kiss and to see me naked) and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I am trained in some self defence techniques for my previous work and he seemed to find it quite fun to make me defend myself, whereas I actually just wanted to let things develop a bit slower.

OP posts:

NinaNannoo · 25/10/2020 09:41

If physically pushy means he actually pushed you around then block and delete! Surely you don't need to be told that?!

Original poster

yellowhighheels · 25/10/2020 09:46

Glad to hear your mum.is better, Gah81

OP posts:

NinaNannoo · 25/10/2020 09:46

So you are considering a relationship with a man that sexually assaulted you?

SallyTheSloth · 25/10/2020 09:47

Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Not ok. End it, delete and block.

stillsomewhatsheldonesque · 25/10/2020 09:47

Oh no flower.

That isn’t physically pushy. That is assault.

Wanting to wait isn’t to be regarded as a challenge. What you want to do with your body isn’t negotiable.

You may feel a spark. If you stay with someone who does not hear you, or respect your boundaries, I daresay you will feel a hell of a lot more than a spark one day.

You know that.

Back away.

feathermucker · 25/10/2020 09:49

Pushing for sex and you physically had to fight him off?! At this stage in a 'relationship' that's a MAJOR warning.

Irrespective of whether you're trained in self defence or not, massive red flag.

Get rid.

AcornAutumn · 25/10/2020 09:49

Yellow “ He seemed to take this as a challenge (not for sex itself but to do more than just kiss and to see me naked) and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain.“

Bloody hell, he should be reported for assault. Why on earth would you see him again?

Strangedays20 · 25/10/2020 09:50

What! No that sounds more like an attack.

Laserbird16 · 25/10/2020 09:50

I think the dad thing is a complete red herring. 'Physically pushy' as you describe in your second post is a run for the hills moment. In the bin for this one.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 25/10/2020 09:50

You had to fight him off and were left in pain? Please end this now and block him. He hasn’t listened to your boundaries about sex, he’s pushing for a commitment you’re not ready for. It sounds really sinister. You deserve so much more.

Schoolchoicesucks · 25/10/2020 09:50

You had to fight him off. This is not a man to be in a relationship with. Spark or no spark. Ill parent or no ill parent. Block and move on.

Original poster

yellowhighheels · 25/10/2020 09:50

I hear you all. My boundaries are fucked.

My head knows that wasn't ok but I have kind of become used to this after several sexual assaults over the years and I think I have just given up on someone kind who I feel a connection with.

OP posts:

category12 · 25/10/2020 09:51

He seemed to take this as a challenge (not for sex itself but to do more than just kiss and to see me naked) and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain.

OP! Please recognise how fucked up this is. You need to take a step back, several steps back, and understand here what it means that this is a man who takes no "as a challenge".

An apology doesn't cut it. He broke the basics of consent. This is crucial, this is important, he doesn't deserve second chances.

Florencex · 25/10/2020 09:51

OMG you had to use your self defence experience to fight somebody off, he found it fun and you are wondering about him. Block and move on.

Thatwentbadly · 25/10/2020 09:51

@yellowhighheels

Tokyosushi Well, I said I didn't want sex for a few more dates, following a date with someone else that involved being sexually harassed, pretty much, which unearthed uncomfortable memories.

He seemed to take this as a challenge (not for sex itself but to do more than just kiss and to see me naked) and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain.

Sack him off. If he doesn’t listen and respect you now it’s not going to get better.

AcornAutumn · 25/10/2020 09:51

@yellowhighheels

I hear you all. My boundaries are fucked.

My head knows that wasn't ok but I have kind of become used to this after several sexual assaults over the years and I think I have just given up on someone kind who I feel a connection with.

I’m sorry for this

I think you might need time alone. 💐

CodenameVillanelle · 25/10/2020 09:51

@yellowhighheels

Tokyosushi Well, I said I didn't want sex for a few more dates, following a date with someone else that involved being sexually harassed, pretty much, which unearthed uncomfortable memories.

He seemed to take this as a challenge (not for sex itself but to do more than just kiss and to see me naked) and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain.

He sexually assaulted you. Please delete and block straight away!

AdriannaP · 25/10/2020 09:51

No no no!
OP this man is bad news and does not respect you or your boundaries. Please end it now. You will find another caring man, don’t stay with him.

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