very new man, parent ill

[yellowhighheels]

Hi all,

I have been on 6 dates with a man from OLD over a few weeks and he has asked me to 'go out with him'. I was unsure as he was physically pushy at one point but we have talked and he apologised. I have decided to give it a chance as I like a lot about him and haven't felt a spark in ages with anyone else.

However, I have known since we started chatting that sadly his dad is unwell and there was a complication this week so he has had to spend time there and in hospital.

He has said he can't wait to spend time with me but will need to play it by ear for a bit. His dad could need the extra support for some time although care is in place.

I'm not really sure how to handle this. We text daily a few times and I send good wishes. however, as things are so new, I honestly don't know how 'supportive' to be at this stage, as in how much to ask etc even though I do care, as I would with anyone who is going through a hard time.

Also, I am not quite sure what 'going out' means to him, re exclusivity and it's hardly a good time to ask. His dad's complications happened after he asked me. I was a bit blindsided and sort of responded with a jokey 'yes' without clarifying and now can't, really.

How would you handle this? I am thinking hold on a week or two and then if he is still unavailable but in touch, gently ask whether he is in a position for a relationship at the moment?

If I am honest, i was put off by the pushiness. His apology seemed genuine and I do like him enough to give him a chance. However, I don't feel invested or trusting enough in this to wait for him forever but don't want to be unkind or write it off prematurely.

Things would be very different in an established relationship when of course, I would offer help and/ or step back for as long as needed.

I'm approaching mid 30s and with lockdown and a long illness last year, don't want to put off meeting the right man any longer.

I am aware this post is from a self centred point of view. I would not voice any of this to someone whose parent is ill, and fully understand that his dad is the priority at the minute.

I'm just wondering how others would proceed in these circs. I have anxiety and boundary issues so appreciate others' views

OP - you are still talking to some extent as if you're not fully in control of whether or not you end things with this man. What if he doesn't let things fizzle out and keeps contacting you? You are allowed to decide that you don't want to see him again and he gets absolutely no say.

He has probably spun the story about his sick dad because he sensed you were unsure about him and he thinks you would feel too guilty to dump him when he's going through something like that.

I would be blocking him, but I would send one last message before I did so telling him why. I don't see why these disgusting men should be able to go around sexually assaulting women and not being held to some sort of account for it.

Please report him to the OLD site at least before this man has the opportunity to sexually assault another woman. Please also consider reporting to the police and please delete and block him.
Have you done the freedom programme? If not then please consider it

Jesus Christ OP! At least you recognize your boundaries are way off and can start to work on it by getting rid of/blocking this vile man.

How he behaved was awful, just awful! Predatory assault really. Horrific. Please don't give him any more of your time. You deserve much better

You had to fight him off physically? After six dates??

Fuck, no. That would be the end of things. How can you ever thrust him again??

You owe him nothing!

And I think the Freedom Programme will be good for you - it will help you set good boundaries so you don't accept shitty behaviour in future.

Oh god - trust not thrust

@category12

Cross-posted.

Please speak with a counsellor with a sexual assault specialism/Rape Crisis, and do the Freedom Programme. You need to reset boundaries and relearn your own bodily autonomy. Your shark cage is broken - you need to fix it before you do any more dating. shark cage analogy

This is excellent advice.

Please op, never see this man again. That is super forceful and scary that he's been like that at such an early stage before he 'has' you.

And yes also please seek some help.

All the best op

You don't owe him a gracious exit. Do what you need to do for closure and leave it there. Plenty of recommendations here got a 'block and delete' approach, sounds entirely appropriate.
You will find someone better, someone decent. YOU WILL.

Until then you are fine as you are. Make the time to become best friends with yourself before getting involved with anyone romantically. "Rising Strong" by Brene Brown would be a good read.

Maybe leave off the OLD from here on, it isn't serving you well.

Wishing you well OP

I would just end it, not let it fizzle, just a clean break, use any reason you want but please be careful of this man, he's pushy and he hurt you, you owe him nothing not even any kind of commitment

Please consider dumping him immediately rather than dragging it out. You owe him nothing, not your problem his dad may be ill. A quick text and it's done. Then you can move on with your life.

You deserve so much better than this, you sound lovely OP and I can relate to a lot of your experiences, i really feel for you

Hi all, thanks so much for your further replies.

I feel quite pleased with myself. He sent me a message that suggested he was wanking over a picture of me (in which I was fully dressed so I'm not sure why it was so exciting!)

i sent a quick message saying I was ending contact here, no apology and no real pleasantries (although polite of course), and blocked!

Sort of feel as though I have taken control of a situation that had made me unhappy and it is a good feeling.

I have ended relationships before, but this felt a bit different as I was putting his feelings and circumstances first when it wasn't even an established thing yet but now see I should have done this as soon as he got too much physically. Never mind, it's done now. Oddly feels like an achievement!

Well done OP!

It IS an achievement, it's no small thing to put up boundaries and enforce them.

He seems like an utter creep, no loss at all. Now you can live your life without this hanging over you :)

Fair play OP.

Not a surprise to hear his latest romantic gesture. If someone I didn’t know well said he was having a shuffle about me, he’d be away. Creepy bugger. That’s bad enough let alone him assaulting you.

You are well rid and well done you for building your boundary. Onwards and upwards flower

Well done OP!

Well done! He sounds like a piece of human rubbish. Good fucking riddance to him.

No quiet fizzling. Hard block!!! I'm so sorry he assaulted you. My breath caught in my throat when I read what you wrote. Evil cunt of a man. I think a break from dating needed for you to do some work on yourself and your boundaries. You don't owe this prick anything. It's sad but people get ill all the time, you throwing yourself under a bus makes fuck all difference to the dad. Pull out your phone, hit block, kettle on and do something distracting to keep your mind off it.

Xpost. High fives op!

Well done OP.

He sounds so awful.

Boundaries are a wonderful thing to have.

Develop and protect yours.

AMAZING. Well done. What a sleaze he is. Jesus. I really hope things get better from here for you.

Ewww.

Who needs men like that?

Well done!

so glad to hear you ended this OP 🌺

what a pleb he is🙄

I really hope that you feel uplifted by this calm assertive and direct action. Hold on to and wallow in that satisfying feeling of personal power and pride. You have shifted yourself on emotionally more than you know.

You have listened to your gut feelings - you have ACTED on these feelings - not got bogged down in trying to unpick or understand him.

Never minimise or JADE (try to justify, apologise, defend or explain) your gut feelings. This is repression of your authentic self - which we were taught in childhood in order to please difficult people.

Keep looking inside and feeling proud.

Thank you all. Yess SssLou I really do feel uplifted by this, and feel as though I have done something to build my defences and boundaries and in protect myself as well as 'younger me' from being hurt again.

Ha Bluethistles he is a complete pleb!