very new man, parent ill

[yellowhighheels]

Hi all,

I have been on 6 dates with a man from OLD over a few weeks and he has asked me to 'go out with him'. I was unsure as he was physically pushy at one point but we have talked and he apologised. I have decided to give it a chance as I like a lot about him and haven't felt a spark in ages with anyone else.

However, I have known since we started chatting that sadly his dad is unwell and there was a complication this week so he has had to spend time there and in hospital.

He has said he can't wait to spend time with me but will need to play it by ear for a bit. His dad could need the extra support for some time although care is in place.

I'm not really sure how to handle this. We text daily a few times and I send good wishes. however, as things are so new, I honestly don't know how 'supportive' to be at this stage, as in how much to ask etc even though I do care, as I would with anyone who is going through a hard time.

Also, I am not quite sure what 'going out' means to him, re exclusivity and it's hardly a good time to ask. His dad's complications happened after he asked me. I was a bit blindsided and sort of responded with a jokey 'yes' without clarifying and now can't, really.

How would you handle this? I am thinking hold on a week or two and then if he is still unavailable but in touch, gently ask whether he is in a position for a relationship at the moment?

If I am honest, i was put off by the pushiness. His apology seemed genuine and I do like him enough to give him a chance. However, I don't feel invested or trusting enough in this to wait for him forever but don't want to be unkind or write it off prematurely.

Things would be very different in an established relationship when of course, I would offer help and/ or step back for as long as needed.

I'm approaching mid 30s and with lockdown and a long illness last year, don't want to put off meeting the right man any longer.

I am aware this post is from a self centred point of view. I would not voice any of this to someone whose parent is ill, and fully understand that his dad is the priority at the minute.

I'm just wondering how others would proceed in these circs. I have anxiety and boundary issues so appreciate others' views

Have you met any of his friends or family? Are you sure he’s not married and just making out he has a sick Dad?
He’s been pushy sexually and hurt you ffs! This is not normal behaviour.

A karate chop in the testicles was warranted op..
Bin him today.
Before you need medical attention...
And police involvement..

no I've not met any of his friends or family yet ( he hasn't met mine either). This did cross my mind but to be fair he has asked me back to his although I didn't accept

and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain

Wtf?! What on earth possessed you to see him again?!

So he thinks it's funny to assault women. Dangerous. You can just stop seeing him and block him without explaining why, and possibly report him if the site has such a function.

End it now. Block and delete. Ffs.

Agree with everyone else. No no no. Block and delete. I think everyone said the same too.

Please go on the Freedom programme.

As to why it happens to you- probably because plenty of other women would block and dump much quicker. You need to build yourself up to this. But block and dump now, and promise yourself next time - the first time someone hassles you for sex to soon you will block and dump immediately. You will then start to learn the boundary pushing that comes before that.
Strong boundaries mean you don't waste your time on nasty men, so have more hope of meeting the good ones.

Bloody hell OP. Do not stay in contact with this man. He is dangerous.

Thank you @yellowhighheels. Having read your follow-up responses, this man is absolutely not worth waiting for. This sounds like a massive, MASSIVE red flag.

Like PP, I would recommend deleting/blocking/moving on.

So many dates that start out promising then this pushing for sex begins. And I don't know what I am doing to encourage it.

Likely nothing. There are some utter creeps out there who spend a lot of time watching porn and have a warped idea of how to behave and what is acceptable. They are watching women be abused on screen and being enthusiastic about it and it doesn't seem to occur to them that that's not actually how sex works. (that or they know but don't care). It's a significant issue nowadays. So it's not you, the only thing you need to work on is walking away fast when you see any hint of a red flag. Once you know more about what to spot, you'll get better at that. I'd love to sit here and say there really are still men out there who know how to behave, though. It's just finding them and really valuing yourself as much as you can while you're dating.

Another one here asking if he really does have a sick dad? Red flags everywhere here OP

OP you mention you had to be physical to protect yourself. I’m not strong And I’ve never done self defence. He probably would have ended up raping me as I would not have been able to hold him off. Please get help on what Is normal xx

Wish him and his relative well.

Keep looking, keep safe

Is his dad even Sick ? Maybe he has someone else on the go - I always think people make excuses like this so it covers when they are seeing someone else

Could be wrong of course - either way he doesn’t sound like a catch I’d block and move on

Thanks everyone. I do agree that he isn't one to continue with, thinking properly about it and not just focusing on the good things about him. I think given the circs with the dad, I will see if I can let this fizzle quietly.

I suppose in answer to questions about why I gave him a chance, I explained how I felt and he apologised sincerely, plus seemed to take it on board so I thought that he might be ok, really. As I say, my boundaries aren't what they should be.

But tbh, even if so, I feel as though he had quite a short window to prove himself as trustworthy and now the problem with his dad has come up, that can't happen. Which may not be his fault, but it isn't mine either.

Some abusers tell sob stories early on so their target feel sorry for them and perhaps share their own troubles - which can be used against them. It's something to be aware of.

So many dates that start out promising then this pushing for sex begins. And I don't know what I am doing to encourage it. I mean, I know there are a lot of guys out there who are primarily motivated by sex but I seem to meet so many who go through the motions of wanting a relationship but actually end up doing this kind of thing. It's so boring, frankly.

It's not you, it's men. Any woman on the dating scene will have similar stories.

I cringe when I look back at what I put up with from men, with the hope that they would want a relationship eventually.

As other pp said, this man is dangerous. If you feel able, consider telling him that you don't want to be with him due to that sexual behaviour. Maybe it will make him reflect. Could you consider making a report to the police? There may be other women who have done so.

But for sure, do not see him again.

Yes it's probably not even true

I did OLD a few years ago and one of the men I really fell for lied about his mum being seriously ill. She even died and he went to the funeral. Only for me to go on a date with him a few weeks after the funeral and his phone rang and the name said 'mum'. they are everywhere on OLD. Entitled twats who don't give a shit about you but are all about getting what they want. And they know exactly how to induce that spark btw

Sorry you've had a shit time

Jesus, Pumpkin! that's unbelievable. The level of cynicism is astounding.

Please block and delete this awful man who assaulted you.

I suppose in answer to questions about why I gave him a chance, I explained how I felt and he apologised sincerely

You wouldn't believe how good at apologising many abusive men are. I think it's why a lot of women stay and forgive each incident. The man sits there crying, looking bereft, being so deeply sorry. They really really mean it. Except then suddenly you're ten years down the line and being treated appallingly and wondering how you got there.

Decent people don't hurt others to start with. In all seriousness, if you met a man and he had had a bad sexual experience in his past and wanted to take things slowly, would you hurt him or try to physically force him (assuming for one moment you had the strength)? If you wouldn't, why wouldn't you? I'm guessing because you have a very strong instinct that that's a horrible thing to do to another human being, whoever they are. This man is either missing that instinct entirely or he has it but still gets pleasure from hurting women. That is not someone you want in your life.

So many dates that start out promising then this pushing for sex begins. And I don't know what I am doing to encourage it.

Easy you have a vagina and unfortunately that’s enough for some men to feel entitled.

Forget his sick Dad and bin this arsehole pronto. You owe him nothing, especially after he’s been such an arsehole.

@feathermucker

Pushing for sex and you physically had to fight him off?! At this stage in a 'relationship' that's a MAJOR warning.

Irrespective of whether you're trained in self defence or not, massive red flag.

Get rid.

Agreed.

You "had to physically fight him off"?? 😱
This means that he attacked you.
Please, don't ever have contact with him again.