very new man, parent ill

[yellowhighheels]

Hi all,

I have been on 6 dates with a man from OLD over a few weeks and he has asked me to 'go out with him'. I was unsure as he was physically pushy at one point but we have talked and he apologised. I have decided to give it a chance as I like a lot about him and haven't felt a spark in ages with anyone else.

However, I have known since we started chatting that sadly his dad is unwell and there was a complication this week so he has had to spend time there and in hospital.

He has said he can't wait to spend time with me but will need to play it by ear for a bit. His dad could need the extra support for some time although care is in place.

I'm not really sure how to handle this. We text daily a few times and I send good wishes. however, as things are so new, I honestly don't know how 'supportive' to be at this stage, as in how much to ask etc even though I do care, as I would with anyone who is going through a hard time.

Also, I am not quite sure what 'going out' means to him, re exclusivity and it's hardly a good time to ask. His dad's complications happened after he asked me. I was a bit blindsided and sort of responded with a jokey 'yes' without clarifying and now can't, really.

How would you handle this? I am thinking hold on a week or two and then if he is still unavailable but in touch, gently ask whether he is in a position for a relationship at the moment?

If I am honest, i was put off by the pushiness. His apology seemed genuine and I do like him enough to give him a chance. However, I don't feel invested or trusting enough in this to wait for him forever but don't want to be unkind or write it off prematurely.

Things would be very different in an established relationship when of course, I would offer help and/ or step back for as long as needed.

I'm approaching mid 30s and with lockdown and a long illness last year, don't want to put off meeting the right man any longer.

I am aware this post is from a self centred point of view. I would not voice any of this to someone whose parent is ill, and fully understand that his dad is the priority at the minute.

I'm just wondering how others would proceed in these circs. I have anxiety and boundary issues so appreciate others' views

The physically pushy episode would make it a no for me. I’ve never had to use self defence in an intimate situation but doesn’t seem right, even if “joking”.
Generally I don’t think you have to do anything else other than ask how his Dad is and give him space /time to do what he needs to.
You know best about whether he is a potential but I’d at least keep your options open.

He assaulted you. Plain and simple. I wouldn't be seeing him again if I was you.

Your boundaries are fine yellow he just didn’t respect them. It’s not ok. There are kind people out there but you know what? You should never settle for anyone unkind.

Options open - as in - don’t be tied to this man

OP I’m concerned that you can’t see the issue here.

This isn’t about red flags or warning signs. This man attacked you. Please block him and never look back.

Cross-posted.

Please speak with a counsellor with a sexual assault specialism/Rape Crisis, and do the Freedom Programme. You need to reset boundaries and relearn your own bodily autonomy. Your shark cage is broken - you need to fix it before you do any more dating. shark cage analogy

I disagree with coffee. This man is not an option. Block him and move on to better things.

What might he do next time?

End it. The refusal to take no for an answer is enough, the ill df is a red herring and will just keep you emotionally invested.

I honestly appreciate that It's not just me who would feel uneasy about this, that his behaviour was wrong.

Anyone else I would be advising the same.

I think this is what is niggling me too, because of his family issues. In all honesty, my gut feeling is negative but the situation with his dad kind of keeps me in a bit of a limbo of not being able to either end things abruptly or explain why. And I have hardly known the guy any time at all.

His dad being ill is not your problem and has no bearing on anything. You seem to feel a sense of obligation or guilt. Just either block him, or end it by text. He assaulted you!!

You don’t need to explain anything. End it clearly if you need to and don’t communicate with him ever again.

@yellowhighheels

I honestly appreciate that It's not just me who would feel uneasy about this, that his behaviour was wrong.

Anyone else I would be advising the same.

I think this is what is niggling me too, because of his family issues. In all honesty, my gut feeling is negative but the situation with his dad kind of keeps me in a bit of a limbo of not being able to either end things abruptly or explain why. And I have hardly known the guy any time at all.

That's cos your boundaries are skewed

You don't owe him anything - you barely know him - yet you're wrapped up in his assumed emotional needs.

You really need to stop the people-pleasing and do a lot of work on your boundaries. Please read the shark cage analogy link, especially the parts about good boundaries to work on creating.

Get out now, please. He assaulted you.

Well this is the perfect “excuse” to end it. Give him space to deal with his father. A LOT of space!!!!

Oh God, I did similar OP, if that makes you feel any better at all. A background of sexual abuse led to me really not having any idea what was normal. I had no idea how much of an issue it was for me but I look back at myself a decade ago and there were a couple of similar experiences a few dates into meeting someone where someone else would have gone 'what the actual fuck,' and run a mile, I didn't. I just had no concept of the fact that it isn't normal to stick around when someone sexually assaults you. I just sat there hurting about what had happened but debating when our next date might happen and what I thought that person's good qualities were and whether this was going to turn into the loving relationship I longed for.

I am going to say as firmly and kindly as I can on an anonymous website that however much you want to be in a loving relationship (of course you do, that's entirely normal), you need to not be dating just right now. And definitely not this horrible man. How dare he? Have you done the Freedom Programme? Have you had therapy? I know there's a pandemic on but do you have some solid friendships in your life where, when you do date again, you can talk to your friends about the men you're dating and have their backup and support? You need to really take care of yourself right now.

It is not possible to have a good relationship with someone who sexually assaults you. The only thing that lies ahead if you keep seeing this man is an awful lot of unhappiness and probably more physical violence. There are decent men out there - don't waste months to years on a bad human when that time could be spent with someone special. You only get one life.

Thank you category12 the shark cage article made so much sense. I definitely feel I am not good enough in so many ways

the situation with his dad kind of keeps me in a bit of a limbo of not being able to either end things abruptly or explain why. And I have hardly known the guy any time at all.

That is because you are female and have been socialised to be kind. You are clearly very caring and decent and it's understandable to feel that way. But don't listen to those feelings. He's a grown adult and can manage this situation. If he can't manage he has the same access to professional support everyone else has. It is absolutely not your responsibility to support someone who has assaulted you. It is your responsibility to look after your own lovely self.

@yellowhighheels

Tokyosushi Well, I said I didn't want sex for a few more dates, following a date with someone else that involved being sexually harassed, pretty much, which unearthed uncomfortable memories.

He seemed to take this as a challenge (not for sex itself but to do more than just kiss and to see me naked) and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I am trained in some self defence techniques for my previous work and he seemed to find it quite fun to make me defend myself, whereas I actually just wanted to let things develop a bit slower.

You are worth more than this. Walk away. You have every right to be self centred in your own love life! 👍🏻🙂

OP keep away from this man. Delete and block him. And then please get some counselling to help you deal with past traumas, healthy relationships and boundaries.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience wishingchair. I am so sorry for what happened to you but your reflection is so valuable to hear. I am lucky enough to have good friends. I had CBT for anxiety last year but it didn't really address any of this. It just makes me feel so heavy hearted.

So many dates that start out promising then this pushing for sex begins. And I don't know what I am doing to encourage it. I mean, I know there are a lot of guys out there who are primarily motivated by sex but I seem to meet so many who go through the motions of wanting a relationship but actually end up doing this kind of thing. It's so boring, frankly.

So you ended up in some pain after he pressed to see you naked, and yet you’ve continued the relationship? I think you would be better to end things with him now.

While the situation of his Dad’s illness could be true, you don’t know that it is, he may well be using it as a ploy to keep you on the back burner while he explores other relationships.

In telling you about the illness, he’s able to paint himself as as a caring character and gain your sympathy, so that you will make allowances for any behaviour of his you would, in other circumstances, object to.
It also gives him the opportunity to blow hot and cold with you, in order to make you more susceptible to his wishes/demands. It all sounds very manipulative of him.

Don’t sit around waiting for him, get on and find someone who respects your boundaries and is willing to offer the level of emotional commitment you want.

@yellowhighheels

Thank you category12 the shark cage article made so much sense. I definitely feel I am not good enough in so many ways

Please start taking some steps to change that belief about yourself - it can be done, you can discard those feelings . You are good enough and worthy of love, proper love that uplifts you and values you, not brutish and using.

Please drop him today. Text him something like "Hi x, it's been good getting to know you a bit, but this isn't going to work between us, so it's better to call it a day now. I wish you all the best for the future and hope your father gets well soon."

If he blows up your phone or tries to guilt you, just say "sorry, I've made my decision" and block.

You don’t owe this awful man any explanation, just block him, job done.

Wow OP.

Just stop now, no excuses needed but you could always say that what happened dragged up some memories and you can't go on. Definitely get some professional input though. He sounds awful.