very new man, parent ill

[yellowhighheels]

Hi all,

I have been on 6 dates with a man from OLD over a few weeks and he has asked me to 'go out with him'. I was unsure as he was physically pushy at one point but we have talked and he apologised. I have decided to give it a chance as I like a lot about him and haven't felt a spark in ages with anyone else.

However, I have known since we started chatting that sadly his dad is unwell and there was a complication this week so he has had to spend time there and in hospital.

He has said he can't wait to spend time with me but will need to play it by ear for a bit. His dad could need the extra support for some time although care is in place.

I'm not really sure how to handle this. We text daily a few times and I send good wishes. however, as things are so new, I honestly don't know how 'supportive' to be at this stage, as in how much to ask etc even though I do care, as I would with anyone who is going through a hard time.

Also, I am not quite sure what 'going out' means to him, re exclusivity and it's hardly a good time to ask. His dad's complications happened after he asked me. I was a bit blindsided and sort of responded with a jokey 'yes' without clarifying and now can't, really.

How would you handle this? I am thinking hold on a week or two and then if he is still unavailable but in touch, gently ask whether he is in a position for a relationship at the moment?

If I am honest, i was put off by the pushiness. His apology seemed genuine and I do like him enough to give him a chance. However, I don't feel invested or trusting enough in this to wait for him forever but don't want to be unkind or write it off prematurely.

Things would be very different in an established relationship when of course, I would offer help and/ or step back for as long as needed.

I'm approaching mid 30s and with lockdown and a long illness last year, don't want to put off meeting the right man any longer.

I am aware this post is from a self centred point of view. I would not voice any of this to someone whose parent is ill, and fully understand that his dad is the priority at the minute.

I'm just wondering how others would proceed in these circs. I have anxiety and boundary issues so appreciate others' views

@yellowhighheels

Thanks everyone. I do agree that he isn't one to continue with, thinking properly about it and not just focusing on the good things about him. I think given the circs with the dad, I will see if I can let this fizzle quietly.

I suppose in answer to questions about why I gave him a chance, I explained how I felt and he apologised sincerely, plus seemed to take it on board so I thought that he might be ok, really. As I say, my boundaries aren't what they should be.

But tbh, even if so, I feel as though he had quite a short window to prove himself as trustworthy and now the problem with his dad has come up, that can't happen. Which may not be his fault, but it isn't mine either.

I will see if I can let this fizzle quietly

OP look at the language you are using. You owe him nothing (except maybe reporting him to the police for assault) and yet you still want to let him down gently?

Just delete, block and move on with your life. And maybe try the Freedom program others have suggested.

His dad is not the issue. You thinking it's ok to be physically pushed is.

Please sign up for the Freedom Programme. It's online.

With OLD or any dating that involve men, always assume they are lying until they prove otherwise.

Always meet in a public place. Always. Guys who quickly want to go to yours or you to theirs are just after a quick shag.

That creep assaulted you. You don't have to accept or be nice to people who aren't nice to you like that.

Block him and never speak to him again.

I'm also sceptical that his dad is actually ill. Easy cover for being married, seeing other women, or to manipulate for a a sympathy shag.
This guy has survived his whole life without you. He doesn't need you and you certainly don't need him. X

“You wouldn't believe how good at apologising many abusive men are. I think it's why a lot of women stay and forgive each incident. The man sits there crying, looking bereft, being so deeply sorry. They really really mean it. Except then suddenly you're ten years down the line and being treated appallingly and wondering how you got there.”

This is a very important piece of information, OP. Please keep hold of it. Abusers tend to be amazing at love-bombing and apologising - because they have to be. Otherwise no-one would stick around. This man is wrong for you. You owe him nothing. You owe it to yourself to get rid of him.

@yellowhighheels

Tokyosushi Well, I said I didn't want sex for a few more dates, following a date with someone else that involved being sexually harassed, pretty much, which unearthed uncomfortable memories.

He seemed to take this as a challenge (not for sex itself but to do more than just kiss and to see me naked) and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I am trained in some self defence techniques for my previous work and he seemed to find it quite fun to make me defend myself, whereas I actually just wanted to let things develop a bit slower.

Dear god!

Bin him off now!

@yellowhighheels

Tokyosushi Well, I said I didn't want sex for a few more dates, following a date with someone else that involved being sexually harassed, pretty much, which unearthed uncomfortable memories.

He seemed to take this as a challenge (not for sex itself but to do more than just kiss and to see me naked) and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I am trained in some self defence techniques for my previous work and he seemed to find it quite fun to make me defend myself, whereas I actually just wanted to let things develop a bit slower.

No no no. You deserve better

and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain op think about what would have happened if you'd been unable to fight him of, then text dump and block x

No get rid of him. Either let it fizzle or block and delete. There are nice guys out there, you don't deserve to be treated like crap and assaulted.

Hope he's not from the devon/ exeter region. My friend dated a guy who kept coming out with his dad was ill. Had heart attacks and in hospital. Turned out he was dating several women at the same time.

He seemed to take this as a challenge (not for sex itself but to do more than just kiss and to see me naked) and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain.

I know this sounds ridiculous but I am trained in some self defence techniques for my previous work and he seemed to find it quite fun to make me defend myself, whereas I actually just wanted to let things develop a bit slower.

No no no no no. Never see him again.

Did you do the Freedom Programme? It can really help stop the cycle of wrong'uns. Also as @category12 said, the Shark Cage is a great way of seeing it. Stop giving them chances.

A lot of Freedom Programmes are working through Zoom at the moment. You could contact your local facillitator, or do the programme yourself online. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

And keep reading the Relationships board, it can really help to read everyone's situations etc.

But first things first- break up with him and don't see him again. I personally would be honest about why, even if his dad is allegedly ill, as what he did was so out of order.

'Your physically violent actions made me feel unsafe around you and so I can't see you again. I wish your father a speedy recovery.'

Opaljewel No, not in Devon. That's awful! Why on earth is a shag here and there a good enough reason to lie about such a thing.

I'm just having a look at the Freedom Programme website. It looks like a great resource but is it more for people who've lived with domestic violence rather than been assaulted by people they don't know so well?

He assaulted you and you are believing his complete vice and bull story about his ill Dad.
Please get help and don't date until you have you are hugely putting yourself and risk, physically and mentally.

OP I hope this post was a round about way of actually asking what you really wanted to know. Which is whether you should consider a relationship with a man who you had to fight off when he attempted to force himself on you. The answer is a resounding no. If you really need to be told that, or if you really were just wanting to know about the sick dad situation, you might need to put dating on the backburner while you work on your own insecurities and boundaries, because you could end up in a relationship with a man only to find out you can't fight him off.

End it now!! He should not 'see it as a challenge' when you set boundaries, what other boundaries will he run roughshod over?

Christ this one is REALLY bad!!!

OP I am a small (tiny) woman and would not have been able to fight him off☹ Story's like this scare the living daylights out of me! Hope his next victim has all the self defense qualities you have!

You dump this man now. No decent man acts like this at any time. He is an abuser. Let him crack on with his real or imagined sick father

He assaulted you- please do not contemplate any further contact with him. Before considering another relationship you should do some work on your boundaries, otherwise another unpleasant man will take advantage of you.

@yellowhighheels

Opaljewel No, not in Devon. That's awful! Why on earth is a shag here and there a good enough reason to lie about such a thing.

I'm just having a look at the Freedom Programme website. It looks like a great resource but is it more for people who've lived with domestic violence rather than been assaulted by people they don't know so well?

@yellowhighheels - I think it's been suggested because your boundaries and priorities seem skewed. You aren't recognising the seriousness of having to physically fight a man off, and seem overly worried about the impact on him of dumping him while his father is 'ill.'

Just block him.
I wonder if the ill relative is a plot to make you feel sorry for him.
Back away and then turn away and run as fast as you can.

Bin him! You don’t need to give any kind of explanation. He ASSAULTED you, that’s appalling.

And I bet his dad is hale and hearty and not ill at all. But that’s unimportant. Just bin this rotten man.

You say you'll see if you can let it fizzle out. What if he keeps contacting you? What if he keeps messaging you about his sick dad and you feel obliged to keep messaging back? He will draw you in all over again.

Doesn't matter if his dad is ill you don't owe this creep anything. Just text him "Ive thought about when you assaulted me and I can't trust someone who behaves like that. It's over."

Then block and delete immediately

Just end it. I would bet he made up the ill father story to continue trying to coerce you into bed.

You should get counselling. You keep meeting men who are potential rapists because of past experiences. Abusive men target women who they think may be susceptible to bullying and coercion.

The fact that you accepted his apology because he seemed sincere means you are very, very vulnerable to this sort of shit.

Thanks needtoknow that makes sense. I just find myself minimising the issues all the time.

So, a couple of PPs mention they're not particularly strong and would have been really terrified in the situation. Really oddly, I am quite strong (not a superwoman power lifter or anything, just naturally quite sturdy) and this makes me feel as though I should have been able to do more to stop these men ergo it is really my fault as I am not petite and delicate, and therefore I don't really deserve these resources. So there's a good dose of deep rooted body- shame in there too. Gah. Why am I such a mess?!

*He seemed to take this as a challenge (not for sex itself but to do more than just kiss and to see me naked) and I physically had to fight him off, ending up in some pain?

Please OP for your own safety have nothing to do with this man ever again. He's very very dangerous.