Made to feel like a pervert

[RejectedAgain]

Can anyone explain why men stop wanting sex? And then make the woman feel bad for wanting it?

I was rejected again last night by my husband. All I did was kiss him in bed and smooth his back. He responded with a very curt "no" then rolled over and went to sleep.

I tried to discuss it this morning. He said he doesn't want sex and called me a pervert for wanting to have sex and says I always pester him (I haven't asked for weeks and even when I try it on it's only a kiss and if he says no I accept it). He's been rejecting me for 6 months now.

Usually I'd assume affair but he's been WFH as have I, so no chance of that being the case. Other than having to work from home nothing has changed in our lives so I can't understand why he's being like this.

I honestly don't feel like a pervert for wanting sex with my own husband ffs and now don't know what to do! Take him to a doctor? A therapist? A divorce lawyer?

Sounds like a divorce lawyer would be your best bet - the relationship seems to have got rather toxic.

Porn, sorry

No reflection on you

The latter I think, because whatever he underlying problem, making you the cause of it is just beyond the pale and a very bad sign.
How old are you both? It could easily be ED but 6 mounts is a long time for this not to be discussed in the open.

I would suggest therapy first, could he be depressed, especially going through lockdown and WFH?
And no you are not a pervert, it seems a strange thing for him to say. What was your relationship like before this started happening 6 months ago?
What is his behaviour like now day to day?

Saying no to sex is perfectly acceptable by either party in a relationship. Indeed it's important that both parties feel able to refuse rather than going through the motions.

The past 6-7 months have been pretty hard on all of us. I'm fairly robust in MH terms usually but I've had some real down times because of being stuck at home, no social interaction with work or friends. It has been hard on many people.

I suspect there are elements of this; maybe also financial worries if there is any risk of redundancy for him. That said he shouldn't make you feel bad for wanting sex; a simple no would suffice.

You need to talk about this, probably outside the bedroom. I would try and discuss it calmly. You may find that therapy helps further that discussion but there's no harm in trying to speak with him first.

It’s not easy to know what is going on as we aren’t there. But here are a few ideas.

The easy answer why he is being nasty to you is that it’s w defensive reaction - he feels bad/ashamed/etc and lashes out at you instead. So that he doesn’t have to address the actual issue.

How long have you been together and what was your sex life like before? How is your relationship in general prior/during/post lockdown?

It does seem that the two of you aren’t comfortable with discussing sex as you seem to be initiating without acknowledging that there is an issue. And he isn’t communicating his side either.

As to what can be the cause - it’s several.

• Health. He may have some issue that has lead to a drop in testosterone/libido.
• Depression/unhappiness. You said 6mo - so it’s around lockdown time. And you are both stuck at home - this had played havoc with many people’s heads
• Porn can sometimes lead to ED issues but as you are all at home - it’d be not easy to hide an obsessive porn use that can lead to that
• Affair, but you said yourself not likely

As to what you can do - not much unless you start talking about it, and he wants to do something. So far he doesn’t seem to want to.
If he has no medical causes but the libido is gone - you’ll have choices and decisions to make.
Stay celibate; leave; have an open relationship; take a lover.

Sorry you are in this place.

Wow, I can't believe the advocation for divorce in the first half dozen replies and we're not even in AIBU FFS.

I think you definitely need to speak to him, preferably informally but therapy if needs be, as there is obviously something underlying and it's not fair of him to make you feel like a bad person or to take it out on you.

How are things otherwise? Any other changes? How is he with other signs of affection? How old are you both? Could he be experiencing ED?

Sounds like he’s stressed out and that could be the problem.

He could Lao be either jerking of to porn and not interested in real sex, or he’s embarrassed to admit he has ed.

Doubt he’d go for counselling for either.

Hopefully you can find out which it is and come up with a solution between you.

LTB

Have you got DC that he's worried would overhear ?

I'm at all the divorce/LTB .
If it was the other way round there would be " How dare your DH pester you for sex. You're busy and you;ve said "No" He must respect that and he must make an effort"
If he suggested a divorce it would be "Well he's showing his true colours"

I think it's being called a pervert for initiating contact in a non-aggressive way that is the grounds for people saying LTB not that he doesn't want sex!

OP try and talk to him about it. But if he won't communicate then it absolutely is an issue that you might choose to end your relationship over.

I don't think it will help you to categorize this as something 'men' do, which normalises the behaviour and takes the responsibility away from your husband. It wouldn't really matter which of you was male or female - your relationship has a problem. If he doesn't want sex, you both have to work out together what's gone wrong, and try to find a solution that suits you both.

If you can't take some steps, at least, towards this, then sex is a symptom, rather than the problem itself, and the problem is with communication.

He's not treating you well at all, but with no background, it's hard to say why it's happened. Did something trigger it? Did he just suddenly stop wanting sex one day? Has he been ill or depressed?

Viagra?

Did he really actually call you a pervert?

If he did and he wasn't using the word as some sort of 'joke' to lighten things, then can you think of any reason why he might feel like that? Does he feel under pressure to have sex with you?

You can't 'take' him to a doctor or a therapist as he's a grown man, not a child. If you're thinking of divorcing him because he has low libido or any other sort of problem, without first trying to gently discuss it with him, then perhaps he has a point and he does feel really under pressure.

If my husband suddenly stopped wanting to have sex with me, divorce would not be my immediate thought...

@BrimFullOfAsher

Wow, I can't believe the advocation for divorce in the first half dozen replies and we're not even in AIBU FFS.

I think you definitely need to speak to him, preferably informally but therapy if needs be, as there is obviously something underlying and it's not fair of him to make you feel like a bad person or to take it out on you.

How are things otherwise? Any other changes? How is he with other signs of affection? How old are you both? Could he be experiencing ED?

Yes and "Porn, sorry" was straight in there at number 2 🙄

Unfortunately it sounds even worse than not wanting sex, it's as if he can't bear you to touch him at all even if sex is not involved, he doesn't want any affection from you.
In my experience this normally means someone is leaving or thinking of leaving imminently for whatever reason - a complete withdrawal of contact.
I'd ask him outright if he is thinking about leaving you in a non confrontational way because you really do need an honest answer, clamming up and refusing to talk about it is not an honest answer.

Jesus MN is crazy, it's either porn with the death grip or he's suddenly gay

I would try to speak to him, I don't agree with him calling you a perv obviously but lockdown and wfh has had a major impact on mental health and he may be struggling with a mental health problem like depression. I think either gender in a marriage should be allowed to refuse to have sex but obviously when it gets to 6/7 months without an obvious reason (I say this as a pregnant woman that's not had sex for a few months due to pregnancy) then it's something you need to have a serious conversation about.

@madcatladyforever

Unfortunately it sounds even worse than not wanting sex, it's as if he can't bear you to touch him at all even if sex is not involved, he doesn't want any affection from you. In my experience this normally means someone is leaving or thinking of leaving imminently for whatever reason - a complete withdrawal of contact. I'd ask him outright if he is thinking about leaving you in a non confrontational way because you really do need an honest answer, clamming up and refusing to talk about it is not an honest answer.

He feels (rightly or wrongly) that the OP always pesters him for sex.

That might well be a reason for him to leave (it certainly would be for me).

I agree they need to talk it out but I wouldn't advise the OP to start the conversation with asking if he's thinking about leaving her.

I'd advise she tries to gently get to the bottom of why he feels she pesters him for sex. Let him explain it and they can take it from there.

I'm afraid if he has chosen not to communicate what the problem is, you can't force him to and he probably would gave communicated by now if he wanted to. Other than genuinely not wanting sex with you because of a low sex drive, I would assume he very much resents you and is punishing you by this rejection.

There doesn't seem to be much you can do. You either have accept a life without sex with him (since the no sex isn't bothering him at all), or divorce.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget

Have you got DC that he's worried would overhear ?

I'm at all the divorce/LTB .
If it was the other way round there would be " How dare your DH pester you for sex. You're busy and you;ve said "No" He must respect that and he must make an effort"
If he suggested a divorce it would be "Well he's showing his true colours"

Personally I think male or female if you go off sex for a long period of time or are gone off it completely then you have a responsibility to open up to your partner about what is going on....you don't just act like it's not a big deal and then call them a pervert if they try to initiate some physical intimacy.

Is he from a more middle class background than you?

Well Mumsnet logic seems to dictates that if a woman goes off sex the men must be doing something wrong and must try harder.

Oh and if they touch their partners they're perverts ........so one of those in reverse I imagine 🤨💁🏻‍♀️

Tbh this sounds like a man talking about his dw. It just doesn't ring true that a man would call a woman a pervert for wanting sex. Also women don't normally talk about themselves 'trying it on' with a man. Probably completely wrong, but something just sounds a bit odd about this post, as though it hasn't actually been written by a woman, sorry op!

I don't have any doubts about the OP.

Some men do say nasty things about a woman sugesting sex with a kiss and a stroke etc, if they have ED.

They don't want to admit that it's them that has the problem, so they blame the other person.

It's gaslighting, basically, you know you're not a pervert for wanting sex (if that's all you asked for, not anything deeply perverted that he's told you he's not into at all) so don't let him convince you you are. It's emotional abuse in a way, designed to make you feel bad about yourself.

He needs to get therapy or something for whatever his issues are- his GP could be his first port of call.

However you look at it, he shouldn'tve called you names, that isn't on.