Apologies, I wrote this then went to bed. I’ll try and answer everyone’s questions.
Can’t reply individually as lots of questions but I’ll reply to most common questions:
RELATIONSHIP LENGTH AND AGE: We’ve been together 18 years and are mid 30s, only ever been together, No previous experience on either side.
DC: we have 2 DC, one in teens, one under 10. I doubt he’s too worried about them hearing, the youngest wouldn’t understand. The eldest heard once, we dealt with it and now make sure he’s asleep before we even kiss. We have a lock on the door too.
PORN: surely I’d know if he was watching it in our house?!
WORK STRESS / REDUNDANCY: It could be stress I suppose as he took on a more senior role just as lockdown hit and the shit is hitting the fan there a bit but he’s not at risk of job loss, on the contrary actually, he’s been asked if he’d consider an even more senior role that’s come up.
THERAPY: I think he would be unlikely to try therapy tbh. When we lost our 2nd pregnancy at 4 months along (8 years ago - had another child since) he wouldn’t see a therapist then even though he was depressed so I doubt he would for this.
ED: when we first got together we were both virgins and it took us 6 months to have sex as he kept losing his erection at the point of entering me, which I put down to first time nerves as it was fine after that first time but now I’m wondering
TESTOSTERONE: Testosterone could be an issue as he’s gained weight during lockdown - around 2 stone. But I still fancy the pants off him
RELATIONSHIP: Relationship in general is pretty good. When we can we have family holidays, date nights etc. If an outsider looked in I think they’d be surprised there was no sex ifywim. We still kiss and cuddle outside the bedroom
BEING ALLOWED TO REFUSE SEX: I know it’s acceptable to refuse sex, it’s more he won’t talk and called me a pervert that’s upsetting. If I knew why I could deal with it.
LANGUAGE USED TOWARDS ME: He 100% called me a pervert. He’s called me kinky in the past too for wanting to try light bondage. The kinky comment was meant as a joke but made me feel a bit shitty as I’d only asked to try something new and relatively vanilla in my eyes and wouldn’t ever have forced him.
SEX LIFE USUALLY: Used to have sex once or twice a week usually but would have foreplay types of activities on at least 2 other nights and never went to sleep without a cuddle though pre lockdown we may have skipped a week of sex but would still always pleasure each other in other ways.
DIVORCE: when I mentioned divorce on my original post it was meant as a last resort if other methods don’t work. I shouldn’t be shamed by him for wanting sex with my husband
PRESSURING HIM: I don’t pressure him. We’ve had a chat or at least tried a few times and he said it’s not me that’s made him go off it. The way I kissed him the other day could just as easily been a kiss not just a “come on”. I’ve always had a higher drive than him so he’s said no to sex several times before all this but would usually pleasure me in other ways then. Even that’s stopped now. Weirdly he recently asked me if I’m getting myself off and made a “joke” about my vibrator running out of batteries?!
LEAVING: I’ve asked him if he thinks our relationship is over / if he wants to leave me and he said no
CLASS: both from the same background. Can’t see why him being from a more middle class than me would matter though even if we had been
TO THE POSTER WHO SAID IT SOUNDS LIKE A ROLE REVERSAL: I’m genuinely a woman asking about my husband. I said “try it on” as I was too damn tired to think of the word initiate
AFFAIR: the thought really upsets and sickens me. We’ve only ever slept together and the thought of him sleeping with someone else makes me feel physically sick. Could be an option I suppose.