Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My date was a really bad kisser! Help

35 replies

OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 22/10/2020 01:03

I went on a third date with a man I met online yesterday. First time I've been with anyone other than my ex who I was with for 20 years. I'm very unsure about whether I'm ready for dating 18 months post separation from my ex but I've been sad and lonely and really want to connect with someone. The guy I've been dating is lovely. We don't have any real chemistry but we do have a lot in common and I'm keen to see where it goes. On our second date, I told him I wasn't ready to kiss him because I don't just randomly kiss anyone. Yesterday he kissed me a number of times and the only way I can describe it is nothing. No connection. Nothing natural about it. No butterflies. Just nothing. I suspect this was largely to do with his kissing style. I can't describe it other than the kisses being more of a unpassionate lip touch. Ergggghhhh! I really don't know what to do now. I'm not a very assertive or confident person and teaching him how I like to be kissed would be difficult. Help!!!!! What do I do now? Do I see him again?

OP posts:
Original poster
OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 22/10/2020 01:08

Oh and I should add that I did try to take the reins a little after the disappointment of the first kiss but he seemed to be locked into his style of nothingness. He's msging me today asking when we can see each other again and I just don't know what to say!

OP posts:
Caramelblonde · 22/10/2020 01:24

I would give him a chance,he's probably nervous! Unless you can't stand him physically close to you,in which case definitely end it now.

CircleofWillis · 22/10/2020 01:32

If there is no chemistry there really is no point in continuing to see him romantically.

DramaAlpaca · 22/10/2020 01:35

You say you 'don't have any real chemistry'. That says it all really. It's not going to get any better.

Original poster
OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 22/10/2020 01:36

CircleofWillis, that's the sad conclusion I'm coming to. I haven't been in the dating world for a very long time and I'm wondering if the chemistry might come later. I was quite looking forward to kissing him until yesterday. It wasn't just one kiss that I'm judging him on either. It was about 15 kisses over the last hour of our date. He seems to be really infatuated with me so I can't believe that didn't create some passion or chemistry.

OP posts:
DeKraai · 22/10/2020 01:36

Im not sure why he was kissing you after you'd said you werent wanting to kiss?

That coupled with no chemistry.

Cut your losses.
Find someone who kisses you the way you like to be kissed AND who gives you butterflies.

Certainly don't spend time teaching someone you're not attracted to how to kiss you!

Original poster
OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 22/10/2020 01:38

DeKraai, on our second date I told him I wasn't ready. Our third date was a week later after a lot more chatting and flirting. I happily (and nervously) let him kiss me on the third date.

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 22/10/2020 01:41

do you feel any chemisry now apart from kissing? you say you flirted a lot, so must be something? Do you at least enjoy looking at him?

Original poster
OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 22/10/2020 01:45

CatAndHitKit, he is handsome in my book of attractiveness. We do have a lot in common in that we grew up in the same part of the country and we were born the same year. We both have the same favourite authors, both have a daughter of the same age, same relationship values and a lot more. I honestly thought kissing him would have me weak at the knees. I've kissed people I wasn't super attracted (though when I was a lot younger) and the kisses almost knocked me over. Lol

OP posts:
Original poster
OMGMyLifeIsCrazy · 22/10/2020 03:12

I was just reading another similar thread where someone asked a similar question. There were a couple of replies where people said they ignored the bad kissing and went on to have the most amazing relationships. Anyone been in that position?

OP posts:
TurnTheRadioOn · 22/10/2020 07:23

If the chemistry isn't there, what you have is the basis of a friendship.

What is the point in trying to get past incompatible kissing styles if you just dont fancy him?

Growing up in the same part of the country; having children the same age and being born in the same year are not the basis for a relationship.

XiCi · 22/10/2020 07:29

If you dont fancy him what is the point? I can't think of anything worse than trying and trying to make something work if theres no sexual attraction. Sounds like you would be better off just friends

DeKraai · 22/10/2020 07:38

@OMGMyLifeIsCrazy

DeKraai, on our second date I told him I wasn't ready. Our third date was a week later after a lot more chatting and flirting. I happily (and nervously) let him kiss me on the third date.
Aah that's good. I'd misunderstood.

But still, you can like someone - as you like him - without being attracted to him. Just because he ticks lots of boxes doesn't mean anything other than he's a nice guy. There are loads of nice guys (especially in the first few dates).

It seems you're really, really wanting to have someone though (I understand- being alone can be shit) and are possibly seeing lots of good things here so want to shoe him into "lover" category, when really you could have just met a great friend.

Lampan · 22/10/2020 07:42

I think this is probably not going anywhere. Especially if he seems really infatuated but you feel no chemistry. I would cut my losses. However, if you are unsure, maybe meet him one more time and make your mind up. If you’re still not feeling it, it’s unfair to string him out any longer. I have been on dates with lovely men who I just felt nothing for. It happens.

crimsonlake · 22/10/2020 07:53

I remember my friend telling me that someone she had met was a bad kisser, she must have resolved the problem as she went on to marry him.
I agree if the spark is missing it will probably always be.
However you are out of a long relationship so it could be that it is simply very strange kissing someone different after 20 years. I know I found it strange initially.

StarlightLady · 22/10/2020 08:23

OP, if you are the assertive person you claim to be, tell and show him how you want to be kissed.

Beyond that, sometimes the chemistry does not really evolve until after you have sex.

JurassicParkaha · 22/10/2020 08:51

That would be a big fat No from me.

I've had dates where the spark/chemistry wasn't instant or obvious. But then they've kissed me and bloody hell, it's like being with another person. Incredible connection. And obviously then the chemistry kicks in. Because that's the magic of relationships surely, being with someone you just want to spend all day kissing...

A bad kisser (unless you're very young) is not something you can change. Kissing technique to a certain extent - though again, it should flow naturally. But kissing is about their smell, their taste, their warmth - all those very essential, biological things that you need for a good relationship. And if this kissing doesn't get you excited, nothing else will really. You won't have great sexual chemistry with every nice, great guy you meet. Only you can decide how important a good physical connection is for you.

Plenty of people will overlook that, and settle for something comfortable, and easy. And then wake up 20 years later feeling frustrated at the lack of sex, or because they've suddenly met someone that 'sparks' them. There will be stories where bad kisses turned into great sex. But those would be the exception to the rule. This man isn't the last on the planet. If you're trying again after a LTR, hold out for someone who kisses you and you don't need to question it this much. Relationships are hard enough, at least this should be easy! And fun!

XiCi · 22/10/2020 09:19

Beyond that, sometimes the chemistry does not really evolve until after you have sex

Or you could just have sex with someone you find vaguely attractive, just a thought Grin

SVRT19674 · 22/10/2020 10:14

My husband has never been a good kisser, went on to marry him. The best kisser I have ever met turned out to be full of issues and was one of my youth´s biggest disapointments. But chemistry, that shouldn´t be missing.

Midnightswim · 22/10/2020 10:27

Hmmmm ok so there is some kind of weird insinuation that a good kisser is full of issues so best keep to a crap kisser who will make a stable boyfriend. Confused

If you have no chemistry do yourself and him a favour and don't persist.

StormBaby · 22/10/2020 10:31

I was once set up with a friend of a friend and our first few dates were like this, just nothing. I wish I’d listened to my gut instincts because it ended up being 2.5 years of pity sex where I felt too guilty to get rid of him. It was my worst relationship by far. Never, ever settle!!

XiCi · 22/10/2020 10:43

Hmmmm ok so there is some kind of weird insinuation that a good kisser is full of issues so best keep to a crap kisser who will make a stable boyfriend
Exactly. I've been with DH over 20 years. Cant imagine 20 years of horrible kissing. Fucking awful

SpaceOP · 22/10/2020 10:55

Sorry, if the chemistry isn't there, then really, this is not a relationship that has a chance. A friendship, sure. But unfortunately, if he's infatuated with you then a friendship seems unlikely. I'd break it off now before it gets out of hand.

wobblywinelover · 22/10/2020 12:20

Crap kissing and no chemistry? throw this one back on the pond and don't beat yourself up about it, you'll come across loads of these ones before you find somebody suitable

ElsieMc · 22/10/2020 14:50

When I was young, a lad lots of other girls liked chased me. I went on a date with him and it was awful. He simply was not a nice guy, tight, uncaring and I wanted to get out of the loo window in the pub and disappear. He also kissed me and I felt nothing. I batted him off initially by saying I didnt kiss on first dates and he looked astonished because he so rated himself.

I once kissed a guy I wouldnt normally go for at all, quite a lot older than me and wow. It was Christmas and a one off but I looked at him in a different light after that. There does need to be some chemistry op and he also sounds less than passionate from your description.