17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

@WTFis2020

Message from the wonderful husband ‘think I’ve been quick to jump the gun with all of this. I don’t want to lose you all’ 🙄🙄

Translated to

The OW doesn't want me, can I come back?

Our relationship wasn't that bad after all

OP,
You sound great.

Be glad this pig showed you exactly who he is.

His "I might have made a mistake" message is hilarious.

Too late.

@Livelovebehappy
Why would you ever trust him again?
Don't blame yourself for being a rational person.
Your husband betrayed you and your children, why would you ever trust him again?
Your choice to remain married and give it another go, but for goodness sake don't put yourself down for not trusting a man who let you down so badly.
You sound like you have your head screwed on.

Op I really feel for you. What an absolute shit of a man. I ate with others though, this is 100% another woman and him sending that message is probably more likely HER coming to her senses and realising this is real and she has to shut or get off the pot. She is dithering and so he is heading his bets making sure that if she falls though he still has you.

Should you decide to get back together I would be insisting that he stays at his mothers house for at least 3-6 months while earning all your trust again and undertaking counselling to figure out where these " issues" of his stem from. I bet he won't want to do any of that after 3 weeks of it. And it will be all your fault for not trusting him.

Projecting massively here but anyway - my ex-fiancé had a "i'm not sure I've done the right thing" moment on the phone with me, just before I went away for the weekend shortly after he'd fucked off. I felt as though he might be coming back - but when I spoke to him after the weekend all trace of regret was gone and he was fully entrenched with the OW again.

So I wouldn't get your hopes up in any way - it may be because he's had a momentary massive guilt flip, or it may be that the OW has indeed put the brakes on - or, there may not be an OW and he's just had a realisation of what his solo life would be like.

Question is - how long will the guilt/regret last? He's broken your trust already. He's broken your heart already. Can he mend either? Do you want him to even try, without knowing where all this came from? Because you may still never get the actual reason why.

If there's the slightest bit of half-arsedness about his apology, should he choose to make one, or the least bit of "well it's your fault really", then fuck him off anyway.

How nice of him to let you know. Perhaps he hasn't realised that the choice to return isn't his time make, given he told you he was off and your DC and told his mother he no longer loves you. Does he think you Un hear these things and he can skip back in. Wouldn't be surprised if Ow told him to sling his hook...

Could it possibly be hes rethought the signing over the house, and decided to buy time? Hope he doesn't continue to mess your life up. X

He’s put you through all this trauma and now he thinks he’s jumped the gun. He doesn’t get a free pass from this. He’s shown you who he is.

@WTFis2020

Message from the wonderful husband ‘think I’ve been quick to jump the gun with all of this. I don’t want to lose you all’ 🙄🙄

So ow doesn't want him then?

Can't remember if I've commented much op but been following yiur thread. You're doing amazingly. Stay strong. I'm not saying you would take him back, but can you imagine if you did? You'd always be worrying about whether you were good enough, waiting for his next dick move. Yes he has acted rashly. But that's his problem now.

Agree with others.

Either OW has developed cold feet.

Or he's belatedly realised how much it will cost him financially.

I'd message back:

'Got cold feet did she? There won't be a single further discussion on any of this until the house is in my name. You've shown yourself to be utterly untrustworthy and I will not discuss one single aspect of what happens now until I have the boys' future secured in the name of the only parent who can be trusted to put them first.'

... and you get the house in your name, and you send him to his mothers, and you keep him dangling and dangling for a bit then file for divorce.

He's told you he doesn't love you anymore. I'm not sure there's any coming back from that, not if you want to keep your self esteem and sanity.

You'll be absolutely fine without him, it'll just take a bit of time.

Incidentally my exh did the whole 'we got married/had kids too young, I don't know what I want blah blah' thing. Left to stay in one of his mums properties and started carrying on with one of his best mates girlfriends but strongly denied it in the face of several eyewitness testimonies.

Begged to come back a couple of months later, literally crying and begging me 😬 I said no, he went back to her and they're still together now.

And I am much happier with someone else 😊

Either:

OW doesn't want him that much
It's going to cost him too much
His Mum has told him he's a bastard
Or OW was someone he hadn't actually started shagging yet - he's now made his move and she's recoiled in horror

Whatever the reason for his regret let him stew.

He has been incredibly cruel to you. Dont rush back, dont let him have any chance to take you to the cleaners down the road either

“ Sorry, who is this?”

Agree with posters saying don't reply. Let him panic and show his hand a bit more - it definitely sounds like OW isn't interested or he's worried about money but let him squirm for a bit.

Your boys sound lovely.

Don't take him back. He will just hurt you more.

I think I would reply with "Shame"

Or “ Oh that’s fantastic! I’m so pleased you have come to your senses! It’s a great feeling isn’t it, definitely knowing what you want. I feel exactly the same.

I know 100% that I do not want a lying despicable toad for a husband for one second longer than I have to. “

But seriously , yeah don’t reply.

Don't reply until you've spoken to a solicitor either.

Well, it’s a bit late for all that. His ds has lost all respect for him. I knew he’d shoot himself in the foot.
Hope all goes well on Monday.

OW has sooo got cold feet! Perhaps she also has children and it wasn't so easy for her to sacrifice them to “their love” as it was for him.

Shame he told you he no longer loves you. He can’t really come back from that.

@WestieW0man

Don't take him back. He will just hurt you more.

Agreed. You'll never be able to move past this, if you take him back. And how will your kids move past it too? Please don't take him back.

The husband asked to come back, of course.

My view was that if he did, we'd both be biding time until we could find better partners who weren't so annoying, who we loved, who hadn't betrayed us... there would be no point having him back.

Don't have yours back, OP. He's done it now, betrayed you, and you don't need that any more.