17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

Omg the nerve! Definitely do not reply, let him sweat.

I am guessing he is having issues with the OW.

What do you want to do about that message, OP?

[quote WTFis2020]@DeRigueurMortis sorry but I just giggled at your story 🤣. What a guy! X[/quote]
glad it made you laugh.

Honestly it's the best thing that could of happened in hindsight.

Unbeknownst to me he had bought a ring and was about to propose.

Apparently this was a last fling to get out of his system before he committed (never mind we had bought a house together and been a couple for 5 years - obviously that wasn't "commitment").

If I hadn't caught him then I'd probably have married the fucker.

As it was within 12 months of BJgate I'd met and married DH was and was pregnant and very happy indeed.

He's had 2 failed marriages and afaik is now single.

I have ignored the message. No further contact from him since 🤷🏻‍♀️.
He loves his reputation so part of me is thinking his stance will be ‘well, we fell out, I tried for a second chance but she didn’t want that. So what did she expect me to do? Remain single?’

@FizzyGreenWater

I'd message back:

'Got cold feet did she? There won't be a single further discussion on any of this until the house is in my name. You've shown yourself to be utterly untrustworthy and I will not discuss one single aspect of what happens now until I have the boys' future secured in the name of the only parent who can be trusted to put them first.'

You don't really understand how the legalities of a divorce work, do you ?

@WTFis2020

Message from the wonderful husband ‘think I’ve been quick to jump the gun with all of this. I don’t want to lose you all’ 🙄🙄

I'd either ignore (most sensible option) or send him this.....(less sensible but more gratifying).

*Message from the wonderful husband ‘think I’ve been quick to jump the gun with all of this. I don’t want to lose you all’

Well great, now he can blame you when you don't take him back! Dick.

That's why a message of 'such a shame, you lost us all when you told me and the children you were leaving us.'

That way there is absolutely no doubt as to who intiated all this, and he can't avoid the issue of it being all down to him.

Initially he told you that you wanted ''different things''.

If at some point he manages to get you to engage in a conversation, ask him what are the different things he thinks you want? What did he mean? What does he think you want? What does he want? How are they different.

After 17 years it's highly likely that he's going to know how to get you in to a conversation so if/whe he does manage that, make him explain what he meant.

Thinking about it the language is funny isn't it.

"I don't want to lose you all".

Makes it sounds like they all went for a walk in the woods and he accidentally got separated from his family.

He didn't "lose" them, he knows where they are.

He actively discarded them. Telling his wife he didn't love her and his children he was leaving them.

What does he expect now?

That he's got the right to "find" them all again and presumably return to an apparently loveless marriage and everyone should just suck it up?

Wanker....

Carry on with the silence

But you can still have fun thinking up comedy/cutting answers

Mine would be “sloppy seconds? Ew! Thanks but no thanks.”

A few missed calls now too....

Hope he’s sweating.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this OP. Many of us have been in your shoes sadly, I feel for you.

The utter nerve of him after what he has put you & your children through. He’ll probably blame the stress of work or a mid life crisis. You may never know the truth.

In my case ex husband announced out of the blue that he was unhappy & had decided to leave. I was completely blindsided. Three weeks later he was spotted having dinner with OW. I went straight to the solicitor and started divorce proceedings. It was the best thing I did & I’ve never regretted it. However it was extremely tough going.

Predictably he came running back 6 months later when OW dumped him. I didn’t entertain him or his faux tears.

Whatever you decided to do I wish you the best.

My dad did this to our family. My poor mum was so hurt. He did the “think I’m regretting this” malarkey too and she took him back. Six months later he did it again. He behaved despicably, he shafted her completely in the divorce settlement. Mum was always very careful not to badmouth him, but kids aren’t stupid - he’s missed out on 30 years of seeing what amazing people me & siblings have become..

I so wish mumsnet had been available for my mum back then. You guys have been fantastic with your support and advice. Back then, we didn’t know any divorced families and I think mum felt too embarrassed/ashamed to seek help from people she knew.

OP - you sound incredibly strong, even though you might not be feeling it all the time. I haven’t been through this experience from your point of view, so am not going to attempt to advise you - lots of great people here are doing that already. The only thing I will say is what everyone else has said - don’t agree to anything without a solicitor and aim blooming high with your settlement. I would hate to see anyone end up like my mum did when it all happened.

From a kids point of view I would say don’t badmouth him, your kids will (at some stage) work out who is is for themselves - most likely because he won’t be able to help showing his true colours. Just continue being the best mum that you can be - you might not get it right all the time (heck, who does?!), but you will continue to have the best (and worst!) parts of them for a very long time.

I hope you’re able to enjoy half-term with your sons. I know your focus will be on making sure they’re as ok as possible, but please also make sure you take some moments to focus on you too.

@WTFis2020

A few missed calls now too....

Hope he’s sweating.

Hold strong love!

Let him sweat and eventually he will realise he’s fucked everything up good and proper

You’ll never trust him again, your dc won’t either, he threw them away in a 2 minute conversation

Fuck him. You’re too good to put up with this absolutely awful specimen.

Your restraint is admirable, Op. I would have sent a snarky reply along the lines of 'Turns out she wasn't worth it after all. Shame.'

And how long before he does what @Furries dad did, and buggers off again when the next bit of skirt walks under his nose?

This is the start of a slippery slope. He isnt sorry for what he has done, he is sorry that it hasnt worked out how he hoped it would, for whatever reason. So as soon as he has the opportunity to get a newer model he will off like a whippet with a bum full of dynamite. Trust me, I lived that life for 12 fucking years like a muppet. Save yourself the heartache I went through.

He has made his choice, he isnt on a bungee rope and cant just bounce back when he feels like it.

I agree that if he carries on with "lose you" BS you come back with "Actually, we were always here, you threw us away"

Yep! Let the fecker sweat...

like a whippet with a bum full of dynamite.

Watching with interest. OP you've been amazing. Whatever you decide to do (and it's up to YOU at the end of the day to decide what is best for you and your family), you've handled the situation admirably.

@DeRigueurMortis

I cannot claim that as my own! I got it from Red Dwarf so was written by either Rob Grant or Doug Naylor, and its one of my favourite phrases!

I loved the beautiful south.

Take your time, op.

Let him sweat, meanwhile, you need to take e long hard look at what you will accept from this situation....

Dick head, don’t fold OP, especially when your going as strong as a warrior at the minute. This stage is mind games, don’t show weakness if you can manage that.

Maybe OW has decided she don’t want him now she knows she can have him?? Don’t know, but it’s his loss, what fool leaves their wife and children for a stranger!!

OP,

His treatment of your boys would be what I would neither forgive nor forget.

His rush to tell them that he was leaving, marks him out as one selfish, heartless bastard.

I would take great pleasure in assuring him that you "accept his decision as final".

Make sure you tell everyone of his rushing out the door and insisting on telling his children your marriage was over.

Let him sweat as long as you like.