17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

You’re a tough cookie OP ❤️

I’ve always been the brains in our relationship - and I’ll make damn sure I beat him at the final hurdle on this one

Well done OP, that’s the spirit. You owe it to your children to get the best possible financial settlement.

Sorry to hear about your friend @coldwinternightsbrrr.

As @FallonCarringtonWannabe said, they alway do. My ExHs father left his mum when he was 5, he never wanted to see his dad again. Despised how he left them, treated his mum, slept with other women.

My ex DP was the same.

Hated his DF for years of adultery with his long term mistress. His DM refused a divorce so as not to let the OW "win".

Unhappy childhood where he and his brothers begged them to separate to stop the rows and toxic atmosphere.

Swore he'd always leave a relationship if he was unhappy before being unfaithful....

Still got caught by me having a BJ by a supposed mutual friend in our bathroom whilst hosting a party.

Thought I'd be too busy looking after our guests to notice just how well one of those guests was looking after him.

In a way he was right, stupid bugger only got caught because he'd wandered off with the corkscrew (to get a mouth screw ) so I'd gone off to find him/it to open a bottle of wine - for the OW's boyfriend ironically - and they were too pissed to be quiet and lock the bathroom door...

OW 100%. Sorry op, I've been there and know how awful it is.

It is hard. I, too, had always been the brains in the relationship. When exh had an affair after 20 years and it all came out (told to me by the ow's partner) I warned exh to be very careful about his next move because I (and kids) would come out of this thriving with or without him. Fast forward 2.5 years, I've been in new house with two teenagers for 18 months, divorce coming through in a couple of weeks, lots of friends and new activities, fitter and healthier than I have been for years. Exh lost job, is living 4 hours away in a flatshare, kids don't want to know him and ow is nowhere to be seen. Get good legal advice, conduct yourself with integrity and don't play 'pick me' (I did for a while there). Turns out I was the brains outside of the relationship too, and things kind of crumbled for him without me driving the ship. At one stage he even asked me for relationship advice for him and ow! Remember, this is totally about him and his insecurities and no reflection on you in anyway. I would also reiterate pp suggestions to see GP and possibly get some sleeping tablets and use as scripted. Some days/nights are hard and I needed help getting a good sleep 1-2 nights a week for the first six months or so. Without that I would have struggled a bit to stay afloat. You will get through this. Now it's not a problem. I love my space and I sleep like a log! Kids and I both settled and happy.

Guys, your advice and kind words are truly remarkable. Thank you all so much ❤️.
Well today is a new day, went to bed in quite good spirits after my first meal of the week, managed to sleep past my usual waking hour of 2.30am - got a lie in til 4am, lucky me.
Slimming World weigh in day today, if I don’t get slimmer of the week then something is wrong!
Packing the rest of his belongings in lovely black sacks today. I will dump them at his mums once he has travelled back to working away.
I promise myself that today will be a good day.

@DeRigueurMortis sorry but I just giggled at your story 🤣. What a guy! X

@QuesFrown DS1 is 12 and DS2 is 11. Younger one has cried himself to sleep the first few nights but is now in a state of denial, even talking of future family holidays. My eldest is furious and refuses to be speak to his father, I am in awe at some of his sensible words ‘I have lost all respect I had for Dad’ ‘Mum, you will come out the better person in all of this’
I think the husband will lose his tags of ‘good father’ very soon, I just appreciate my boys are at such a difficult age for this to happen.
Keep your chin up - at least we have our children by our side on this rollercoaster x

Hi

I've been exactly where you've been nearly 9 years ago, and like you the pain levels are off the scale. It'll be rough for a few months, and it really does take time to get used to. However you will come through it as you will find strength you didn't know you had.

I had a DD of 14 and DS of 11. DS took it all very badly. Both children are fine now, having achieved very well, but I'm still very angry at my ex-H for putting us through all that.

My advice :

• Make sure any child maintenance agreement also extends to funding them through university.
• I had a mantra - 'dignified', 'civil' and 'when making decisions always put the children first'. They worked well over the years.
• His family will always side with him. I have two lovely sisters-in-law that never speak to the OW even now, but his parents always did (both now passed away). I had to speak my mantra to myself about them as well - both largely ignored their grandchildren after the spilt.
• Don't speak badly of their father to the children. It's really hard to stick by this sometimes, but it needs to happen. I did say his behaviour was wrong when they questioned it however, but I didn't overtly criticise him or slag him off in their presence. They need you to be the rock and role model they need.
• Try your hardest to prevent them doing this to their long term partners in the future - too early for you to do this yet obvs - (But it's common that children repeat the mistakes of their parent). (This is still a work in 'progress for me) - I've said to mine 'you do not ever cheat on your partners and even if I'm dead you don't do it'.
• Read the Runaway Husbands book - her advice - never press send in an email when in pyjamas (I think that's how she phrased it) is a good one.
• The best 'counselling' is from other people who have had similar happen. I think the Runaway Husbands has a FB group now. Free and advice always available.

Good luck !

@ItsReallyOnlyMe interesting that a message you want to send to your children is 'don't cheat on your partner, even after i've died'. This isn't a criticism! just interesting that we all take one focus or one angle from the break up and then perhaps ''over'' warn our kids about that. I found it so hard to break away from my x because of all the fear, obligation and guilt. And over the years I suppose I have intentionally tried to communicate to my children that they always always have the right to leave a relationship even if it's only because they WANT to. And reading your post makes me see that I should stop trying to communicate that ''subtly''. I should just allow them to form their own compasses. They are good people.

Can I ask how long it is before the OW is revealed as a new relationship? No one is buying that my perfect husband would do this.

@WTFis2020

Can I ask how long it is before the OW is revealed as a new relationship? No one is buying that my perfect husband would do this.

About 2 months

I guess whether there is an OW or not, the advice is the same, in particular about maintaining child maintenance until the end of university. I have a couple of friends who are in real trouble now with older children, having to fund their uni aged children.

I hope today is ok.....

@OwlOne I am a bit bemused by your point. I wasn't advocating never leaving a relationship, only that it shouldn't be done as the OP's partner did by cheating and leaving suddenly without time for amends.

The fact that you think cheating is the only way of leaving a relationship is disturbing. As the recipient it is the most pain (other than death or serious injury of a child) that anyone can have. And you appear to be saying you would condone your children doing this to someone else ? Please do correct me if I've made a wrong assumption.

Time and time again I see fathers walking out on relationships doing exactly the same as their fathers. Surely it's time to stop this ? Just because their 'ours' doesn't mean they will not make mistakes in the future - I am just trying to prevent my DS repeating what his father did (and his father's father before him). I don't want my grandchildren to go through what my own children have had to (and I guarantee you that children are not resilient even though they may give that appearance).

Re OW, it depends on a few factors such as her relationship status and how much he wants to maintain his image vs his need for accommodation!

You mentioned a separate flat, if that is suitable then perhaps he doesn't need to reveal OW at all, you also mention he works away so he has opportunity. The OW may not be pushy to be "out" so there are lots of factors. If she isn't local then there could also be the Covid factor so it could go on for quite some time. However when she is revealed the events and timeline all makes complete sense.

In the case I know of OW is only known to very few people, not direct family or work colleagues.

Probably after Christmas...

I'm just posting in solidarity. Fortunately no children were involved in my case. XH basically found himself a new potential wife, sorted out legal advice and support from colleagues over the course of a year or so. Then dropped the bombshell on me, rewriting history etc. The usual claptrap. So he'd had a year to mentally prepare as well. I had an hour. OW appeared along the sort of timescales mentioned up thread. Predictable!
This is more sad that we weren't even 30 years old when this happened, so men maybe have this built in somehow!

[quote ItsReallyOnlyMe]@OwlOne I am a bit bemused by your point. I wasn't advocating never leaving a relationship, only that it shouldn't be done as the OP's partner did by cheating and leaving suddenly without time for amends.

The fact that you think cheating is the only way of leaving a relationship is disturbing. As the recipient it is the most pain (other than death or serious injury of a child) that anyone can have. And you appear to be saying you would condone your children doing this to someone else ? Please do correct me if I've made a wrong assumption.

Time and time again I see fathers walking out on relationships doing exactly the same as their fathers. Surely it's time to stop this ? Just because their 'ours' doesn't mean they will not make mistakes in the future - I am just trying to prevent my DS repeating what his father did (and his father's father before him). I don't want my grandchildren to go through what my own children have had to (and I guarantee you that children are not resilient even though they may give that appearance). [/quote]
uh, what. You're telling me what I think and yes you have made a wrong assumption.

The point was more general. We are all human and we are all going to take our experiences with us and we all love our children and we all desperately want to spare them the pain of either the mistakes we made or the bad behavior we tolerated. But we shouldn't make the mistake of over warning them. It's wiser I believe to just help them identify their own values and help have a strong enough sense of themself that they wouldn't be at risk of being guilted in to staying in a bad relationship.

It sounds great in theory, warn warn warn your children not to do x,y or z because it's WRONG. But I don't think that that's ever going to work. Because you cannot warn them about every risk that exists. You can only warn them about the issue that caused YOU pain. And that's an incomplete picture anyway but you mightn't have the clarity to see that if you are in the eye of the storm.
I know I used to make the mistake of warning my daughter not to put up with bad behavior from men. Luckily I realised I was creating distance between us. A better 'model' is to genuinely connect and not tell her and warn her and project any compass or set of values on to her, just let her know that I respect her right to have her own set of values and that I want to get to know HER.

I know it's not easy to step BACK though. I messed it up for the first few years.

Message from the wonderful husband ‘think I’ve been quick to jump the gun with all of this. I don’t want to lose you all’ 🙄🙄

Wow. So, he'd cause you all that pain on a whim he hadn't thought through?

Stay strong @wtfis2020

@WTFis2020

Message from the wonderful husband ‘think I’ve been quick to jump the gun with all of this. I don’t want to lose you all’ 🙄🙄

Good God. Sounds like OW doesn’t like the idea of having him full time.

Too little too late. Bastard.

Well, he's certainly lost your love and respect (and the respect of the kids), why does he want to come back?

Yes he has had a ' chat ' with the ow , and she has blown him out ! Expect grovelling and words of undying love and realisation of what you mean to him .

My 'perfect husband did this. Took 4.5 months for the OW to come out of the woodwork.

Too little too late. What a pig.