17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

@FlatandFabulous

I work as a mediator with separated parents, I have been doing it for quite a long time. I have never yet come across any case where a man leaves a long term (10 year plus) relationship where there isn't either another woman or, very occasionally, another man. Men are generally lazy and like the status quo. They won't move out of a home where their needs are generally met unless they have somewhere else to go. Women on the other hand often leave because the relationship has got to the point where they can't bear it any more for many different reasons. Don't let him make you look like the bad guy, cry/rant/swear with your friends and family, look outwardly reasonable and rational because he will try and justify his actions. Get a good lawyer, not the kind who is invested in keeping you in conflict for years - nobody wins - just the kind who will help you get a fair financial settlement for you and your kids. Put the onus back on him , "what do you suggest we do", "what are your proposals", and please remember if you have been home looking after the kids while he has built his career do not accept a 50:50 split of assets, you will more than likely be entitled to more. Good luck.

This is one of the best posts I’ve ever read on this board.

@WTFis2020

I am getting lots of help of friends, thank you ❤️ My group chat is on fire, everyone completely bewildered. How long before I find out about OW? What our average timescale on this? You guys know everything else 🤣 x

My friends husband walked out like yours OP. Usual explanation - we married too young, I never wanted kids you made me have them, I feel I tied down, I love you but I’m not in love with you, no of course there’s no one else blah blah blah.

She was absolutely Devastated and spent the first week in tears 24/7, sending him messages begging him to come back and promising to be a better wife. Until a man appeared at her door one evening saying that he had just discovered that his wife had been having an affair with her husband for the last year.

That was the quickest to find out. Many of them pretend to have suddenly met someone the week after they split ( such a huge coincidence ! ) and they move in with her a couple of months later. Or she was “ just a friend “ before But they suddenly “ become close” after he left his marriage .

Often they live with some relative for the first few months to keep up appearances before moving in with OW.

I don’t know who they think they are fooling.

@WTFis2020 good morning. I have just read your story. Bless your heart, this sounds so hard! You have some wonderful advice on here! It's surprising how great children are to take our minds off things. I read something once which rings very true, ' sometimes our children don't realise that I needed that hug more than they did' so squeeze them a little tighter! I would try and keep things as normal as possible for them and do the kind of stuff you'd normally do in half term. If you have support from family and friends, maybe ask for help one day with child care and do something for you, go for a coffee, get your hair done, a long walk to clear your head.. whatever will help lift your mood just for a few hours. I really hope you're okay, stay strong xx

@MrsMarrio that sounds awful for you. Why do you think your parents stay together even now?

OP for this week off I would try and make a plan for each day.
Not sure what covid rules are like with you but get support off family and friends where you can.

Plan treats and nice things for you and the children. If it's an option spoil yourselves where you can.

Go for the path of least resistance with everything EXCEPT him.

Your only job right now is to ask around for recommendations for a solicitor.

Trust your instinct seems to crop up so often when I'm reading these threads. Forgetting my relationship with ex what left me shocked and fuming was how our kids were ditched in the pecking order suddenly after a couple of months. We'd both worked so hard to ensure we had been available for kids. What I should have done was trusted my instincts much earlier as he'd checked out and he was waiting for me to take the blame once I’d had enough. All this did was play silly sods with my head and serve to jeapodise my relationships with my kids as I lived with the insecurities. The moment actions and words don't add up (regardless of affair) a head f#%k seems on the cards if you try to wait or hope.

Good to get house keeping in check finances, solicitor etc. Living with the whole ”i don't know if I want the relationship” was the worst year of my life and wouldn't recommend eroding self-worth in this way because at the end you are climbing from a lower place.

Sounds like you've worked this out and the previous post from the mediator sounds excellent advice.

Good luck.

I had a mean (to me) ceo who left his wife and two tween children for affair partner. Moved in and married the new woman, had two golden haired children, seemed very happy, constantly slagging off ex-wife for spending 'his' money.

Ceos behaviour started changing a couple of years later, seemed rather quiet and down. Stopped talking about new wife.

6months later it turns out he had been too ashamed to admit his new wife had had an affair and he didn't want to admit to his business partner that the 20% stake of the company (worth a few mil) they had given her for tax purposes would need to be paid out during devorce.

Things to do:
1 change council tax to single person
2 put in cms claim
3 get together all financial documents
4 move kids birth certificates and passports to a safe place that you and your mum know about
5 have a cup of tea and go for a walk

@Rainbowqueeen

Things to do: 1 change council tax to single person 2 put in cms claim 3 get together all financial documents 4 move kids birth certificates and passports to a safe place that you and your mum know about 5 have a cup of tea and go for a walk

@Rainbowqueeen all jobs complete 🤗

Oh @WTFis2020 our situations sound like they’re in unison. My dcs are the same age.

Difference is my dp admitted his affair 6 months ago but seems to have just rekindled it.

I’m hoping he goes easily. I dont care where.

Im reading all the great advice you’ve been given and hoping I can grow some confidence to go it alone from now.

You’re not alone 💐

@QuesFrown

Oh *@WTFis2020* our situations sound like they’re in unison. My dcs are the same age.

Difference is my dp admitted his affair 6 months ago but seems to have just rekindled it.

I’m hoping he goes easily. I dont care where.

Im reading all the great advice you’ve been given and hoping I can grow some confidence to go it alone from now.

You’re not alone 💐

@QuesFrown we are in this together. What an awful experience this is. There’s still a part of me which wants him back, how sad, eh? But the man I know and loved is no longer here, it’s almost like she’s died or been taken over by an alien x

@footprintsintheslow think my mum has always loved my dad but think she worries financially she hasn’t worked for over 10 years now because of health issues that have basically isolated her to her own home.

@WTFis2020 I know what you mean. I just want this to have never happened. I fear the consequences- the impact it’ll have on the dcs. The finances and how the little extras will no longer be affordable.
How are your dcs coping? I think mine will be very hurt and angry when they discover he has another woman. Without a doubt, he’ll end up there when I kick him out. It’s my belief that she has very much engineered that they’ll get found out.

There’s still a part of me which wants him back, how sad, eh? But the man I know and loved is no longer here

It took me a very long time to come terms and get over the grief for my marriage ending. That is completely normal and just recognises you were commited to your marriage. My sadness continues for the children and I don't think that will ever leave me. It isn't something that I think of regularly but at times of celebrations and holidays where the dc are separated from parents.

I view this as a normal reaction as shows you have empathy for your dc. It makes it even more baffling how these men can just ignore the feelings of the children and why an OW is more likely. Women tolerate so much in a relationship to provide stability and security for their children whereas many men prioritise their selfish happiness.

@Techway

So true. Men can be so selfish

@Techway

There’s still a part of me which wants him back, how sad, eh? But the man I know and loved is no longer here

It took me a very long time to come terms and get over the grief for my marriage ending. That is completely normal and just recognises you were commited to your marriage. My sadness continues for the children and I don't think that will ever leave me. It isn't something that I think of regularly but at times of celebrations and holidays where the dc are separated from parents.

I view this as a normal reaction as shows you have empathy for your dc. It makes it even more baffling how these men can just ignore the feelings of the children and why an OW is more likely. Women tolerate so much in a relationship to provide stability and security for their children whereas many men prioritise their selfish happiness.

Yes, I agree with this completely.

@WTFis2020 I was you last year. Its so hard, small steps.

Sleep is going to be terrible for a while, its not unusual for sleep to be affected by stress. Start a sleep routine, use the bedtime sprays and balms, listen to a sleep meditation, consider a herbal sleep tablet.

Food - are you eating? Eat what you want, when you want. I used to drink disgusting peach ice tea for a sugar hit in the worst days.

Write yourself notes or start a journal. Even more, if you can afford a therapist then consider one.

Exercise - a daily walk outside would be good for you if you can. When you feel up for it, up the ante and get some of the mood out through sweat.

Solicitor - mine is a member of resolution resolution.org.uk/ which could be a good place to start

Just to echo what others have said, to feel how you feel is absolutely normal.

I hardly ate anything, I couldn't physically swallow things and had no appetite. I drank lots of milky decaf coffees and fruit juice to keep going and then ate what I fancied at the time. I lost 2 stone and looked ill, if you can do anything to eat little and often to keep you well I'd recommend it.

I too used to wake in the early hours with my mind racing and after trying everything and struggling to hold down my job I went to my GP. She was lovely, she prescribed a short course of sleeping tablets but suggested I only take one a couple of times a week and to try to keep all other sleep hygiene in place to get my body into a routine. She gave me a 2nd prescription about 6 months later when I hit rock bottom again with the same advice. It worked as I still have some of those left and avoided being dependent on them. She also arranged to do an STI screening for me to save having to go elsewhere.

And I too used the phrase that my once kind, loving and funny husband had been abducted by aliens and replaced with a complete bastard. Much as I have moved on, it's taken me a long time to get over it and I still sometimes think 'how on earth did this happen' whilst he's marched on into his new life without a care of the hurt and heartache he's caused.

@S00LA what you have said is almost identical to what happened to my friend in April.
Usual story husband not happy and has felt like this for a long time. Wife doesn't pay him enough attention blah blah. He needs to sort his head out.
Anyway he made the wife and his two kids move back up North to her mums so he could have space to think.
The wife was convinced his was having an affair with the new girl at his work (new girl 31 and husband 45).
Husband of course denied it and how it was all in her head etc. Him and the girl at work were just good friends and she was supporting him through hard times.
What do you know? 2 months later the girl from his work and the husband are now together and moving in with each other.
I am so angry with him for gaslighting my friend. He hasn't even bothered seeing his teenage kids as he is so obsessed with his new girlfriend.
I feel so sad for my friend. She feels so betrayed and just shocked. She doesn't know whether she is coming or going and keeps questioning what she did wrong.

I can’t believe how many similar stories there are out there! I really thought I had bagged myself a good guy - he would call men who behaved in this way, especially where children are concerned.

Today I have had an illegal gathering (Covid) with friends and a few coffees, he has signed a letter to removed himself from our bank and I’ve posted it, I also have a telephone appointment sorted on Monday with the best solicitor in our area.

I’ve always been the brains in our relationship - and I’ll make damn sure I beat him at the final hurdle on this one

It's funny how it nearly always seems to be a younger female colleague at work.

I had the gaslighting for months and months, he told me I was crazy, loosing the plot etc etc

It's truely despicable how these men behave!

@WTFis2020

I can’t believe how many similar stories there are out there! I really thought I had bagged myself a good guy - he would call men who behaved in this way, especially where children are concerned.

Today I have had an illegal gathering (Covid) with friends and a few coffees, he has signed a letter to removed himself from our bank and I’ve posted it, I also have a telephone appointment sorted on Monday with the best solicitor in our area.

I’ve always been the brains in our relationship - and I’ll make damn sure I beat him at the final hurdle on this one

Love it. That you KNOW you are the brains.
Five years from now he'll be foraging in the cupboard making himself a pot noodle (whatever episode convinced him he could break free will be so firmly in the past) and you'll be flourishing. Sad for him but true. Women grow from these experiences. Men not so much.

@WTFis2020

Since my last post we have had a text conversation. He has left me but not the kids blah blah. We have agreed he will have them overnight on the weekends he is not working away and one teatime after school. He seems happy to sign the house over to me and pay the bills which is over and above what the maintenance calculator shows. I’m not sure how long this offer will last, as reading others posts they can change their tune. I have said I will be amicable but told him I know there is someone else. I have also informed some mutual friends who have been shocked to the core. I feel it is real now and can move forward x

Take all he gives now!! Especially the house, oh yes. And the money. Let his OW fund the utter wankbubble

he would call men who behaved in this way, especially where children are concerned.
They always do

You need a solicitor advice and not your husband's. He could be offering you the family home in the hope that you will be happy with this. Meanwhile he has the rental home, a pension and savings.
The reality is that you have children so you may have stopped work for a while, not taken a promotion and as a result your pension could be lower than his.
You need to consider your own future along with your children's future. You don't want to end up with a tiny income when your older and your ex husband with a good pension.
A few years ago a lady I know was told by her husband that he was leaving her. Her had an ow. He wanted to give his wife as little as possible but she decided she was not accepting this. She fought for a good deal for both the children and herself.
I know it hard with all that has happened to suddenly go into this fight mode if required but you need to think of your life long term. He will only have to pay maintenance till the children finish school or college and you don't want to find out down the line that you could have gotten a better deal than just the house for you and the kid's.

he would call men who behaved in this way, especially where children are concerned

As @FallonCarringtonWannabe said, they alway do. My ExHs father left his mum when he was 5, he never wanted to see his dad again. Despised how he left them, treated his mum, slept with other women.

After 20 years of marriage... Surprise surprise!! ExH did the same these men have no shame