17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

Your mother is thinking of herself first.
You being sett6suits her.
This can also happen with friends.

Don't be distracted by people who would rather you remained in your shitshow marriage, rather than them step up and support you.

This is a factor in marital breakup, where you really do see your supports and your weights!!!

OP, you are a strong women.

You have this.

You asked him to leave you alone
He is
It shows he isn’t fighting for you
Geez

Think I mentioned before, have never been in this situation so can’t advise on that front - but your posts show how strong you are (even if you are doubting yourself).

As a “child” of this situation - all I can say is that I wish my mum had been this strong from the outset. Not for me, or my siblings, but for her. She was royally shafted because he dane back and got his flipping swans in a row. My mum never talked badly about him to us, she was dignified in that respect, and I’m grateful for it. And I know this is only one example, and you shouldn’t base your choices on it, but don’t even assume that you having children together will make him more reasonable.

Children will find it hard, but you need to decide what’s best for you (I KNOW they will be a big part of your decision, but it can’t only be about them). Hope that doesn’t sound harsh.

Aside from anything else, from what I’ve seen, he is in no way showing you what you deserve. Very easy for me to say, he’s not been my partner for 17 years, but he doesn’t come across, at this point in time, of being deserving of you even contemplating a reconciliation.

I agree with frazzle

Do the opposite to what he is expecting, be cool and calm and non emotional in everyway, I’m 12 years down the line from a similar situation to yours... I now realise my perfect marriage wasn’t perfect and now see completely why it didn’t work out, I’ve grown as a person and so much stronger, assertive, confident and independent now.... it’s just a very shit few years to get through and the grief of the death of your marriage is painful but it does pass.... take one day at a time putting practical steps in place starting with legal advice. I used to make a list each day to focus on ...there’s no need to think to far into the future your head will be mush for a while.

Good luck... sending you 🤗 xx

Hi OP, I’m sorry you are going through this, I know what it’s like to have everything change because of someone else’s choices. My children have also been affected for life by their father. The shock, tears, fog and anger does pass after a while and as others have said , and on reflection, I know it wasn’t a great relationship anyway. The one key thing for me is trust, unless I can trust someone to make the best decisions for me if the worst happens if I’m in hospital, I’m not going near them. And I definitely couldn’t trust my late husband. After he died I found out about all sorts of loans in joint names, it was all fraud, so your experience with that loan application may be a one off or it could just be part of something worse. In my experience, once they are deceitful about something they may be doing other things too like cheating and you’d never know. Your husband showed his true colours when he declared he was done, that is who he is, the later gifts and words are just part of the script, and I had the let’s save money and not get divorced line too. Whatever you do OP I wish you and your children happiness.

My brother did this exactly to my xSIL. She & the kids were distraught. it was a bolt from the blue.
he ended goiing back, only to do it again later & the OW was pregnant,
meanwhile he was "absent" & still doing long hours etc.
At one point he asked my Dad for an advance on inheritance the story behind it, was that he was behind on the mortgage & the house was going to be repossessed... (he must have asked my parents not to tell SIL "so as not to worry her"
Finally he left for good. apparently, I heard later, he had had a succession of OW
The loan was for his succession of overspending on the OW (pl) possibly setting up a flat etc. My SIL later, when she discovered after our parents died., said they were never late with payments on the mortgage, as she was the one who dealt with the payments & all the admin.
Epilogue. He finally settled with & married one of these OW, She dumped him recently...
He was hurt. I looked at him straight in the eyes, & said nothing. He got the message.

Op
Self help books from the library REALLY helped me, they sort of validated how I was feeling... so the life after divorce type books and how to get through separation etc

You need to go through a whole load of emotions and it is grief you are experiencing.

If you have nervous energy try jogging or walking, eat small and often even if just a slice of toast that will keep your head straight. Stay off the booze!!! All the above (and fabulous friends) got me through my divorce.

It only natural to at some stage want him back as you want all the pain to go away.

Imagine you did take him back and a few weeks in and the mess and lack of trust and realization it was a mistake to take him back....what would him leaving for a second time do to your children... thoughts of this should stop any “taking him back” ideas you might have.
Also write a list of all the shitty things he has done and said and made you feel since this bomb landed!
Read it often!!

Oh OP, it's the ol' "it's way easier for all of US/it's just menz emotions" argument from your mum. Perfect! Then the wider family don't have to deal with supporting you and the kids through a tough time any fallout, and it's just you who has to put up and shut up with being treated atrociously by the one person who's supposed to always have your back. Sounds about right.

Stay strong - this latest behaviour of showering you with stuff is making his true colours so fucking bright I think I can see them from here. Hope you're doing ok.

Be very careful of your mother she is setting you up to be the one who is unreasonable and stubborn.

Give the flowers and perfume to your mum and tell her you hope it helps her get over him.

Your mother is probably wanting everything to ‘go back to how it was’, basically burying her head in the sand. If you were my daughter I’d be advising you to take your sweet time, and that things can never go back to how they were. What you have to do now is try and get through the next few days, speak to your solicitor so you know where you stand legally whichever route you choose to take. That helps you feel more in control of a situation where you feel so lost and confused and possibly even panic stricken. It’s an enormous psychological upheaval for you as you know, so maybe writing down how you feel, what possible outcomes you’d like to see in a year’s time, etc etc. There are no quick fixes to make you feel ok/happy/normal/at peace, but you WILL, but by bit and day by day. 💐💐

@angstinabaggyjumper

Be very careful of your mother she is setting you up to be the one who is unreasonable and stubborn.

Yes, she might even be his flying monkey soon. He might ring her or vice versa and you'll be cast as the one who is breaking up the family.

Don't justify or defend or explain.

Maybe keep it simple for your mum ''the trust went, after he said he wasn't in love with me'' and repeat that like a dripping tap, as a response to everything.

@FlatandFabulous

I work as a mediator with separated parents, I have been doing it for quite a long time. I have never yet come across any case where a man leaves a long term (10 year plus) relationship where there isn't either another woman or, very occasionally, another man. Men are generally lazy and like the status quo. They won't move out of a home where their needs are generally met unless they have somewhere else to go. Women on the other hand often leave because the relationship has got to the point where they can't bear it any more for many different reasons. Don't let him make you look like the bad guy, cry/rant/swear with your friends and family, look outwardly reasonable and rational because he will try and justify his actions. Get a good lawyer, not the kind who is invested in keeping you in conflict for years - nobody wins - just the kind who will help you get a fair financial settlement for you and your kids. Put the onus back on him , "what do you suggest we do", "what are your proposals", and please remember if you have been home looking after the kids while he has built his career do not accept a 50:50 split of assets, you will more than likely be entitled to more. Good luck.

I agree

I've just been through the same thing and come out the other side with the help of Poppy Shokar.

She taught me that I shouldn't ignore the obvious!!

Hope your weekend was okay, @WTFis2020.

Stay strong.

All ok OP?

Remaining strong.
He is grovelling now. Almost making out that I took it too seriously. He can’t understand why he can’t apologise and just come back.

So now he is belittling what he did. Much like your mother suggests. Pushing the onus on to you!

Well, grovelling is a step in the right direction. I mean, 10 days ago would have been better but....

Ask him if he’s really saying it’s acceptable to tell your children he’s leaving the family home as he no longer loves you - and then say ‘sorry’, waltz back home and all is forgiven??? To tell you it’s over after 17 years, leave and stay elsewhere, and now you are the unreasonable one who is over reacting???!!! Oh WoW. Nice bit of minimising and blame shifting. That actually makes his actions worse. Entitled, selfish, arrogant, oooh I’m raging in your behalf.
I know untangling lives in the case of divorce is hideous and painful, not something one does without huge soul searching and a lot of thought....but he cannot do something as callous and careless of your (yours and the children’s) feelings just that - can you imagine yourself behaving that way? It’s a nuclear BOMB - not a sodding BLIP, and very toxic.

"Ask him if he’s really saying it’s acceptable to tell your children he’s leaving the family home as he no longer loves you - and then say ‘sorry’, waltz back home and all is forgiven??? To tell you it’s over after 17 years, leave and stay elsewhere, and now you are the unreasonable one who is over reacting???!!! Oh WoW. Nice bit of minimising and blame shifting. That actually makes his actions worse. Entitled, selfish, arrogant, oooh I’m raging in your behalf.
I know untangling lives in the case of divorce is hideous and painful, not something one does without huge soul searching and a lot of thought....but he cannot do something as callous and careless of your (yours and the children’s) feelings just that - can you imagine yourself behaving that way? It’s a nuclear BOMB - not a sodding BLIP, and very toxic." This with bells on

Sending those texts to the kids is not good.

It does seem like a desperate act, along with the gifts. He's really missing the point though. He's messed up and doesn't quite know how to come back from that.

Whatever happens, he'll be around for years to come as the father of your DC and being able to communicate and have a decent relationship is in best interests of the kids.

Sometimes when stuff like this happens, whilst it's a shock, it can make you realise that you no longer love the person anyway.

If you do still love him, try not to be swayed by all the responses here, because it's your life and your family. You need to do what you feel is right for you

A lot of damage has been done, but it's not entirely irreparable and many have reconciled from worse...but this isn't about other people...it's about you and you know yourself best.

@SandyY2K

Sending those texts to the kids is not good.

It does seem like a desperate act, along with the gifts. He's really missing the point though. He's messed up and doesn't quite know how to come back from that.

Whatever happens, he'll be around for years to come as the father of your DC and being able to communicate and have a decent relationship is in best interests of the kids.

Sometimes when stuff like this happens, whilst it's a shock, it can make you realise that you no longer love the person anyway.

If you do still love him, try not to be swayed by all the responses here, because it's your life and your family. You need to do what you feel is right for you

A lot of damage has been done, but it's not entirely irreparable and many have reconciled from worse...but this isn't about other people...it's about you and you know yourself best.

@SandyY2K Agree 100% Refreshing to see a reasonable rational opinion!

Just a thought.... do you think there is an OW and it’s someone you both know? She could have seen/heard the devastation and panicked .... sorry to suggest but it’s crossed my mind and very often the OW can be someone you both know ??? I’ve lost track the amount of times I’ve heard the OW if the wife’s friend 🙈

I do feel for you 2 months ago after 16 yrs together I found out he was cheating. He left and I felt I was living in a dream. There were no signs and we were planning a holiday next year and a move to a new house. You just never know what someone is thinking. Keep strong it will get better xx

Call me naive but I don’t think there is another woman now 🙈🙈.