17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

How are you doing @WTFis2020?

It came to a head here a couple of days ago. My husband left me again for the OW. I know I need to just let him go but it's shit.The rejection all over again. Her probably delighted. However, amongst all the hurt is relief because deep down since he came back to me, I've known his heart hasn't been in it and it's been coldness and rejection on some level every day.

When they ask to come back after your world has been shaken to the core it's easy to just say yes. I think I did it against my better judgement because in that moment I saw a way for the madness that had corrupted my normality and my life to stop and for my old life back. It's not easy to resist that. I caved in against everyone's advice.

There probably is a "right way" to deal with these situations but when shit like this happens it's never clear cut because of emotion. I hope your staying strong but it's ok if your not. We'll still be here for you.
Please if you'd like to chat privately feel free to message me.

Just read your update - of course he's panicking now he's realised he can't have his cake and eat it ! Silly fool!

Don’t waste money on a private detective, my sister did, with little result at great cost.
She regrets wasting the money now

That’s a very valid point @BunnyBoilerRhian, it’s very easy to say keep him away, because dispassionately we know that if hits blown up once, it could blow up again and none of us want to see anyone hurt, and @WTFis2020 is so strong and dignified and we love her

It’s her life tho, her family and kids, and whatever the decisions she takes, we’ll be here

A HUGE hug to you @BunnyBoilerRhian, you sound like you too have been through the ringer.

It’s so awful. Thinking of all who are going through this

So proud of you. Just keep reminding yourself over and over again that he told your kids!!! You cannot come back from that!

He was serious when he said he wanted to split up - because he told the kids!!

Now, for whatever reason, his new life isn't how he thought it would be, and he wants to come home to his comfy life again until he can find a better way out next time!

I have no doubt he was serious about splitting up (because he told the kids), it's just that something happened that meant this was no longer his best option..

I could never forgive someone who did this to my children. Guarantee if he comes back it will only be until he can find a better way to leave again in the near future.

Protect your children (emotionally and financially).

@S00LA

And the gifts are about power as well. It’s to prove that he’s right and you are wrong. Because he did a “ tiny thing wrong “ and your threw him out and refused to listen to his apology, even in the face of his generous gifts.

In fact it wasn’t even anything wrong , it was just a misunderstanding . And you flew off the handle, just as you normally do. He onoy said he was leaving because he thought that was what you wanted.

“ Yes, I didn’t like to tell anyone before but she’s often irrational like this, I’ve been putting up with it for years. “ #poorlamb

“ I try to do everything right but nothing is ever good enough for her. It’s the children I worry about “.

See - in a few short sentences I’ve rewritten history. It’s easy- when you are a manipulative, self serving, gas lighting bastard.

And as for the gifts - they are worse that meaningless . They are more proof that he thinks he can get his own way by money .

He’s doing what’s cheap and easy for him, as a PP said. He will never say the words you want because that would change the power balance, he won’t admit the truth - that he finds your domestic servicing useful and value for money compared to the alternatives.

I know want him to say that he was wrong and that he will be a changed man and love you and be a wonderful husband for the rest of his Life but you know he will never say that and actually mean it.

The best you can over hope for is “ So what is it you want then - for me to apologise ? Ok I’m sorry . There I’ve said it now - are you happy ? Will you now stop this game so we can go back to normal ? “

Such a great post.

Bang on the money.

It's all about him.

He doesn't sound as if he know's you, see's you or even like's you OP.

Apologies, but he is so far up his own arse that his whole family are there for his convenience.

It's very hard to convey how strongly I feel his brutal announcement to your children as he walked out the door is so truly shocking.

There are so many awful stories on MN about men that leave women suddenly.

But the sub-group that have such patent disregard for their children are a whole other level.

It takes a real bonafide PRICK to do what he did to your children.

He has scarred them forever.

He would NEVER get the chance to do that again within my family unit.

Some things are just unforgivable.

He can choose to leave you OP, but there is no turning back from what he did to his children.

I would be implacable in this regard.

All they say is true.
I ahve taken back an errant husband, he manipulated a move back in just to stay on the sofa, but soon his powerplay moved him back into the bed. The cheap gifts (he didnt have the money for expensive ones) and the platitudes that meant nothing.
And the fact that, within a short amount of time, I wasnt back to how I was, the past forgotten.

Your husband doesnt seem to be taking any of the steps needed to really deal with the problem, hoping to simply sweep it under the carpet, come back and carry on as before.

What a utter pig to play with the dcs emotions like that. He is the one who turned their worlds upside down with his stupid mouthing off, now he is playing at wanting things back to "normal". And YOU will get the blame by keeping schtum and your dignity when you dont allow it.

Does he even have any idea how he is affecting them mentally and emotionally??? Vile man

There possibly is a huge temptation to take him back, to get out of the current nightmare mix of ‘WHY? What happened, what’s going to happen, how will I deal with x/y/z?’ but the reality is that the maelstrom of emotion on your part won’t actually stop. You will doubt what he says, look at him and wonder what he’s really thinking, you will not relax. Do you want him back in your bed? His return will not stop the pain. He has done this and your life will not carry on as you expected, you have come to a crossroads and need to choose a new path, but whichever way you go it’s never back to where you were before this. The broken plate is a good analogy. Now you need to take your time to think about all the possible routes you can take - and it is at YOUR speed to choose. Yes, this shitstorm is horrible, but a few months from now you’ll feel very different, it’s just that there is nothing that will take away the pain atm. Do you feel better today than the day after he left? This too will pass - take your time to think about the best outcome for YOU and the children. I’m sure that your feelings of hurt, fear, anger, disappointment, betrayal etc etc are also being felt by your children, Daddy just walking out like that must’ve been an earthquake for their world.

It's such a pathetic sop really, the gifts and flowers. You know what you want - what you need - from him: Honesty. He will do anything to avoid that. And the question is why.
Why does he insult your intelligence that he thinks a bunch of flowers and a few pretty things wafted under your nose will magically wipe your brain?
He's playing it like he had a moment of confusion about his feelings for you. But he went much further than that. He sat your kids down to tell them he was separating from you. You only do that when you know that you are at the point of no return.

Often the most obvious answer is usually the correct one - in this case he thought he had a better prospect elsewhere and shortly after he burned his bridges, that prospect fell through.

Its still all about the why.. without knowing it would be insane to take him back. Once you do , at least you are working with a full picture and can more accurately gage whether it is likely to happen again.

Well done, OP. You are doing a great job. Ignore him.

The flowers & perfume, made me snort my tea out.... it's such a pointless cliché. As if they can possibly make you forget what went before.
It is all part of the cycle, of being absent; being cruel; push too far; oops, maybe I am burning my bridges; bung her chocolate.
except usually there is some sort of promise not to do it again, some sort of fake remorse. In your case, he hasn't genuinely shown any contrition, OR explained ......
Without an explanation this is going nowhere.
I would return the gifts, & suggest he give them to his girlfriend. tell him to stop manipulating the DC, he has already done enough damage.
His not coming home is not their decision, it's yours.

Flowers are very visible, he knows the children will see how “hard” he’s trying and that he’s being nice to mum.
Luckily it sounds like they may be too old and wise to fall for it.
He’s using the children horribly.

And yes, it’s much easier than coming clean, and talking about why he did what he did.
Sending gifts is not giving you space as requested.

Flowers are just another example of him not actuating thinking or taking responsibility. Sending flowers is easy. It's what all those silly rom coms and articles in Cosmo suggest is the way to a woman's heart. but real women, in real life, with real problems know that flowers are not actually in any way meaningful or real. Most of us love to get flowers on a random Tuesday because our DH was thinking of us. We know however that phoning a florist or stopping by Tesco to buy flowers doesn't actually change anything substantial when there are real problems in the relationship.

He's doing it all half heartedly and without thought. If he was really sorry, if he really understood, he'd be trying to talk to you. he'd be telling you that he's in the midst of a mid-life crisis and he's seeking counselling. he'd be telling you that he's actually suffering with some other issues and caused him to over react and begging you to forgive him. He'd be turning up to take the kids to their activities (pre lockdown) or asking what he can do to make your life easier. He'd be asking what you would need to believe him that he's sorry.

He's not doing any of that.

I want you to be able to get back together with him. 17 years and two children. You don't just throw that away. But at the same time, if you do attempt to throw it away, you can't just casually lean over and pick it up and not realise that it's covered in shit and other garbage now and is going to need to be cleaned and fixed and worked on.

Oh op

My ex dh used to send huge bouquets of flowers almost my height and I'm 5ft 10 after he left me and ds, was still shagging the 16yr old and stalking her

It's the easiest thing in the world to do, takes no thought or effort and means even less. Ide be insulted with this crap if I'm honest, he's annoyed you've not caved, and your now inconveniencing him

Flowers are quite taking the biscuit really aren’t they? They require you to put effort in to accepting his gift: you’ve got to trim them, arrange them, water them, keep the bastard things alive......

In this context, they’re impersonal and thoughtless. No effort, no thought, no going out of his way to actually demonstrate willingness to change like emailing booking confirmation of a set of counselling sessions, just throwing money at ‘the problem’.

Put them in the compost.

I agree with everyone else, OP. Flowers are meaningless.

Has he even had the decency to offer you an explanation of what happened?

I've been lurking on this thread for a while OP and just wanted to say that you're awesome, first off.

The flowers... kind of fit a narrative that popped into my head earlier on, that he's having a sort of mid-life crisis that's actually not based in any sort of reality. So his head's turned - that's going to be true love. He loves you - but he's not 'in' love with you. He'll walk out - because his real destiny is just around the corner. Then when it isn't, he sends you flowers - because that's all it takes to say 'I'm sorry'. It's like he's living in a bad Richard Curtis film. Has he always been this shallow?

OP,

The flowers are best in the compost.

They will only add to the confusion and uncertainty your children must be feeling.

No contact for 5 days now, since I requested some space (apart from the gifts and the odd prying text to the dc)
I feel better in silent mode.
I also think, if he truly loved me, he’d be calling saying so and putting much more effort in.
My Mum says he’s just had a blip (yeah a big fucking blip Mum) and that men have issues with their emotions. I think she (like a few family members) want it swept under the carpet and for us to carry on like this hasn’t happened.
As if.
Like someone said, I’m at a crossroads in life where nothing will feel the same again. There’s not a chance in hell that I’d allow anyone to hurt my kids like this again. Not a chance.

the kids are now getting texts from him saying he’s made a mistake, missed us all and want to come home

How dare he drag your children through yet more upset! They should be at the centre of his thoughts in terms of protecting them as much as possible from his own selfishness not made to feel responsible or his support and foot soldiers.

I am so angry on their behalf about this. I presume you have either contacted him to deal with it or are working out what to say.

Using the children in this way would seal my resolve and sound the absolute end to the relationship.

Oh I had the gifts and flowers and flowery words and had a new start. It wasn't the same, a bit less engaged/a little disinterested/distracted although desperately trying not to show it. The reunion didn't last long before I asked my partner to go. It was all quite civilised. You can't make anyone love you, things change, there is no turning back the clock. Just sad.

I also vowed no one would ever hurt my kids like that again, ever. I would never buy a property with anyone ever again either. Moved on with new knowledge and experience.

I want to hit him with one of the bunches of flowers he’s sent you, such a twat!

No explanation though!

Mums are like that. They think that being aline wi5hout a husband is worse than being taken for granted by a disconnected disatisfied husband