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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

17 years and my husband has walked out

999 replies

WTFis2020 · 21/10/2020 05:39

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

OP posts:
Needhelp101 · 04/11/2020 12:23

Oh and I completely get what you're saying with regards to him being a complete stranger. It's as if they're an alien walking around in your partner's body. Body snatching.
Sending strength x

SandyY2K · 04/11/2020 12:39

I'll make an objective post.

He's begging for another chance, but why? I'm not hearing how he loves you, cares for you, appreciates you and wants to be with you

Coming back for financial reasons or for the kids, is probably not want anyone wants to hear in your situation.

I understand you feeling torn...but my fear if he came back, would be how long till he does it again?

I think if you're considering a reconciliation, then remaining separate is still a good idea. You can think about whether you want to try and will decide based on how he behaves over the next X months.

So he'll be on probation and has to prove to you and the kids he's worthy of a second chance. He will need to humble himself and has a lot of work to do. You can lay out what needs to change and what kind of marriage you want going forwards.

If he really wants your marriage, he'll do this willingly.

Divorce isn't easy....it affects all involved and the wider family. For me the fact that there is no proof or clear indication of an OW is a positive. If there was an OW...I wouldn't accept being plan B.

OwlOne · 04/11/2020 13:05

Agree with sandy as usual.

Adjustment is hard. So hard.

Often women do the easiest thing in the short term because they fear that their whole future will feel as shit as the adjustment period feels.

But you come out the other side. What was once that adjustment that you couldnt face is your new normal and you feel empiwered. Bit by bit tbh but i wish i could back to 2007 and tell myself that it is adjustment you need to buckle in for. Your future will be happier than you've ever been.

LilyLongJohn · 04/11/2020 14:45

If you're unsure I'd be asking him what HE is going to do to improve the relationship, there must be something wrong for him to act as he did.

I'd then also ask him to move out for 6 months, a reconciliation doesn't have to be all or nothing. I wonder if he's willing to do anything to make it work, would be move out, make it common knowledge, date you and become a parent to your dc, he needs to repair the damage he's done there too. I'd bet my bottom dollar he's not prepared to do this, he wants his cushy life back, I doubt he'll want to actually do anything to get it.

Plus you both need to remember that your relationship will NEVER be the same again. He took care of that. It might be better or worse, but it'll never be the same.

buckeejit · 05/11/2020 07:54

Thinking of you OP. Agree that you need time.

It's a terrible idea but I know I'd be desperate to know about OW & would ask him when I next saw him to unlock & hand over his phone so I could look through. His reaction would be telling.

As would asking him to wait 6 months+ and asking him what he is planning to do to fix things

Keep going on. You are doing great.

rainbowstardrops · 05/11/2020 09:06

Bloody hell, he's having a laugh isn't he?!

So he thinks he can turn your life and the kid's lives absolutely upside down and then when OW/he realises how much this is going to cost him/you're strong enough to go it alone/whatever, he fancies waltzing back in like nothing's happened???

Yeah right! Tell him to piss off.

Kocduw · 05/11/2020 21:35

Y5

Overseasmom100 · 05/11/2020 22:56

How you doing OP thought of you today...dont even know you BUT you were in my thoughts as Im.sure many other wonderful Mumsnetters. All here for you Smile

WTFis2020 · 06/11/2020 06:24

I’m still soldiering on and remaining with no contact,
I’ve received flowers and expensive gifts through the post, the kids are now getting texts from him saying he’s made a mistake, missed us all and want to come home.
I think a few of you may have predicted these actions 😉. I’m just here, keeping calm and quiet and retaining my dignity. Thanks for checking in x

OP posts:
Magicsprinkles · 06/11/2020 06:46

Gosh you are amazing 💐💐💐💐💐

REignbow · 06/11/2020 07:39

I’m glad that you are keeping your dignity, as silence speaks a thousand words.

After, the gifts/flowers (love bombing) and emotional manipulation don’t work, he’ll start sending in the flying monkeys, they’ll be a health scare and then he’ll get angry. Use this time to get your ducks in a row and to speak to someone just so you get the head space to think about what you want.

MzHz · 06/11/2020 07:43

Oh yes the flying monkeys ...

And not once has he actually come clean, or said anything about being sorry, or love...

This is about his ego.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/11/2020 07:44

Using your kids to manipulate you is awful. He can't seem to keep them out of it, can he? They shouldn't have to be a part of this. Poor things.

spidermomma · 06/11/2020 07:49

Hope your ok op. Truth always comes out x

OwlOne · 06/11/2020 07:53

Oh this is a difficult stage :-/

Luckilly, shortly, when the flowers and gifts don't work, you may see flashes of anger. That was the timeline my x predictably moved his way 5hrough.

And it's easier then. When the gifts are replaced with visible irritation that the gifts didnt work.

WTFis2020 · 06/11/2020 07:56

Why the gifts though?
Is this just to keep me as a dangling option?

OP posts:
MzHz · 06/11/2020 08:02

Because throwing money at it is something that’s “easy”, means nothing in terms of him being honest, contrite or actually doing anything about the damage he’s done to you and your dc.

It’s also a good “for show” thing, he can shed his crocodile tears with saps dumb enough to fall for it “I bought her this and that and she still won’t speak to me... wahhhhhh”

It’s a spiralling panic from a man who thinks he’s done nothing wrong

JocelynSchitt · 06/11/2020 08:07

It's a terrible idea but I know I'd be desperate to know about OW & would ask him when I next saw him to unlock & hand over his phone so I could look through. His reaction would be telling.

I used to have two male acquaintances who were having long term affairs. This would not have worked as both had two phones, and the second phone was never taken in to their homes. Finding nothing doesn't mean nothing is happening.

footprintsintheslow · 06/11/2020 08:10

I agree to putting him on the spot and asking to go through his phone. No advance warning though.
Yes also agree that it doesn't clear him if you don't find anything but it is a starting point.

How are the kids coping?

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/11/2020 08:17

If he knows she already suspects an affair (which he does as she asked him), he would be very stupid to leave any traces on his phone if true. He will be deleting everything as he goes. Believe me, I know.

S00LA · 06/11/2020 08:18

Don’t be daft, of course he will have cleaned his phone by now, he’s not stupid. Anyway he probably had a second phone.

I will think it’s possible that there’s no OW ( or at least not a serious one ) and this was a power play. Which IMO is actually worse than an affair, as he was prepared to do this to the kids for nothing.

WTFis2020 · 06/11/2020 08:28

@S00LA I think you might have hit the nail on the head with ‘power play’ or maybe power play combined with a bit of head turning.
Who knows? It’s the unanswered questions that make me climb the walls. If only I knew .....

OP posts:
S00LA · 06/11/2020 08:32

And the gifts are about power as well. It’s to prove that he’s right and you are wrong. Because he did a “ tiny thing wrong “ and your threw him out and refused to listen to his apology, even in the face of his generous gifts.

In fact it wasn’t even anything wrong , it was just a misunderstanding . And you flew off the handle, just as you normally do. He onoy said he was leaving because he thought that was what you wanted.

“ Yes, I didn’t like to tell anyone before but she’s often irrational like this, I’ve been putting up with it for years. “ #poorlamb

“ I try to do everything right but nothing is ever good enough for her. It’s the children I worry about “.

See - in a few short sentences I’ve rewritten history. It’s easy- when you are a manipulative, self serving, gas lighting bastard.

And as for the gifts - they are worse that meaningless . They are more proof that he thinks he can get his own way by money .

He’s doing what’s cheap and easy for him, as a PP said. He will never say the words you want because that would change the power balance, he won’t admit the truth - that he finds your domestic servicing useful and value for money compared to the alternatives.

I know want him to say that he was wrong and that he will be a changed man and love you and be a wonderful husband for the rest of his Life but you know he will never say that and actually mean it.

The best you can over hope for is “ So what is it you want then - for me to apologise ? Ok I’m sorry . There I’ve said it now - are you happy ? Will you now stop this game so we can go back to normal ? “

SeaEagleFeather · 06/11/2020 08:35

@WTFis2020

Why the gifts though? Is this just to keep me as a dangling option?
yes.

And it's the unthinking man's way of pacifying you. Things instead of emotional depth, engagement and growth.

MrDarcysMa · 06/11/2020 08:45

I'm so sorry op. What a horrible horrible shock for you and the kids. It does sound like he's met someone else and didn't have the guts to tell you.
It's not just the betrayal or missing the person, it's getting used to the fact that the life you planned together is going to look completely different now. Make sure you have support, allow yourself time to grieve too Thanks