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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

17 years and my husband has walked out

999 replies

WTFis2020 · 21/10/2020 05:39

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/11/2020 10:21

You know, when my fiancé left me, for the first few months if he'd come back and said it was all a mistake I might have taken him back just to end the pain.

BUT I was given a very good piece of advice by a friend of mine - he said "imagine your relationship is a fine china ornament/plate. He's just smashed that to pieces. You can patch it up, glue it together but the glue will always show and it will never be as good as it was - plus if you wash it in too hot water it will fall apart again".

He was SO right. You can never go back to how it was before - he's smashed something permanently. Either you can accept the secondhand version he's now offering, with all the cracks and breaks on show, or you can bin it off as being damaged beyond reasonable and either go without or get a "new one" (this is for later though).

I do totally get the "anything to go back" but you just can't, it's not possible. Things were Said that can't be unsaid. You can't forget you heard them, and neither can the DC.

Whatever, he can't come back before lockdown so you've got another few weeks' grace - by then you might feel more head-led than heart-led anyway.

Sunshineandflipflops · 03/11/2020 10:33

Oh op, you must be so torn.

In the early, dark days of me and my husband separating, I would have done almost anything to take the pain away for me and my children. I still couldn't have taken him back though. Him leaving broke our children's hearts and I knew that if he were to come back, that would be it because there would be no way on earth I would even put the kids through that again if I could help it. I knew he couldn't make the promise to never be unfaithful again though and I knew I couldn't promise that I could ever feel the same way about him after he had an affair. That for me would be too big a risk and I would rather our children have two happy parents who get along as friends/co-parents.

It's been almost 3 years now and I can't believe where that time has gone. There have been some very dark days but also lots of bright ones. I am very proud of the woman and mum I have become and I have found happiness with someone else along the way.

No-one can tell you what to do and I know how awful you feel right now. Do what you honestly feel is best for you and your children. His wants and needs come last on the list right now.

Bluetrews25 · 03/11/2020 10:56

Very telling that you feel better when he's not in touch.
You can't un-ring the bell.
He did what he did.
Do you really want to change your attitude to what he did? (Thereby giving permission to do it again?)
and for you, for your boys.

REignbow · 03/11/2020 12:11

I think that you need to remind yourself of this....

He applied for a 25k loan and as soon as you found this out, he firstly said he’d move into the spare room (as he also owned the house and now it’s progressed to this all being a big mistake…

It’s your life.

You need space and time to process everything.

SeaEagleFeather · 03/11/2020 13:28

when you are not in touch, you have space to think and begin (just begin) to process. it's the start of the grieving process.

When he is in touch, it all becomes muddied and stirred up and nothing can heal.

Observe his actions, rather than his words.

Haffdonga · 03/11/2020 13:38

As you said yourself you don't even know who he is right now. He has behaved in a way that is totally alien to you and shattered your trust.

Would you move in with a stranger who you didn't recognise or trust? Obviously not. You'd treat any potential new relationship with caution, you'd see each other for months or years before getting serious or considering if you wanted to move in together.

Treat his 'advances' just like you'd treat any stranger on a dating app. IF you're interested in getting to know the new him then perhaps meet for a casual coffee in a few weeks. If he doesn't seem your type then don't bother and swipe him away. But whatever you do, do it slowly, with low expectations of happily ever after and take precautions (legal and emotional) to protect yourself.

OwlOne · 03/11/2020 13:39

Hope you are ok op. I agree with pp who says remember that 25k loan

SpaceOP · 03/11/2020 14:17

As a previous poster said, actions speak louder than words. So right now you don't need to rush and the onus is on him to work really really hard to a) explain and apologise for his behaviour b) assure you in concrete ways how it won't happen again.

If you then decide you want to try again, that is entirely up to you. But don't do it just because he says he's sorry. Your trust, and your children's, has been completely destroyed and won't just magically reappear overnight.

Mix56 · 03/11/2020 16:12

perhaps you can turn this around... Ask him why he thinks you might have him back ? What advantage is it to YOU, & DC ? What makes him think you are prepared to put in a vulnerable position of questioning, where he is, or when will he walk out a again? Are you supposed to try to be more attentive? more fit? like you were 17 years ago? when you were younger & on apparently equal footing?
Ask him if he would have had you back if the tables were turned, & you still hadn't opened up & spoken face to face & poured out the truth. & none of the "stubborn" smoke & mirrors, does he think you are a complete idiot? Does he have any respect you at all, what a pile of Bull
He assumes by not evoking an OW you will just not think that was what it was? why wouldn't you? it's the most obvious & probably likely scenario. So what makes you think it won't go on behind closed doors, that you won't walk out later.
btw, did you get an STD test ? ask him if he thinks you should risk your health for his lies.

Mix56 · 03/11/2020 16:13

"that HE won't walk out later". soz

MzHz · 03/11/2020 16:23

I think that’s a pretty bloody slick idea there @Mix56!

Turning it around is a brilliant idea

I’d also not allow him to hood wink me on the OW think just yet either

ModelCitizen · 03/11/2020 16:32

Mix56 - an excellent approach

WhatsAParlay · 03/11/2020 16:57

I'm with @Mix56 as well

Rammingspeed · 03/11/2020 17:19

Brilliant idea @Mix56

Drinkingallthewine · 03/11/2020 17:33

It's impossible to make a decision to take him back without knowing what really made him walk out in the first place.

In order to make that decision, you need blistering honesty, lots of genuine remorse and visible efforts that what he's saying is matching his actions from him, and sadly I don't think you'll get it from your H.

But look, take your time - getting your head around his bombshell will take months, not days to process and untangle your feelings about it.

He doesn't get to tell you how long it takes you to fix what he broke. He's got his mum, he's not going to be homeless under a bridge, he's close by and can still see the kids often while you work this out.

GilbertMarkham · 03/11/2020 17:52

my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.

So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.

Instincts are rarely wrong. His behaviour was classic affair of some description too.

And his behaviour when "confronted" was consistent with something (someone).going in with him.

It's a pity op can't get access to any of his comms - I'd say they'd be very enlightening.

The 25k loan might be a property deposit but not necessarily for a holiday home for he & op.

GilbertMarkham · 03/11/2020 17:57

Something appears to have gone awry with his decisions/plans at that time.

Whether an ow has not come through at all or they're postponing for some time for some reason, or he's come to the conclusion that he needs to direct a separation and divorce in a different way from how it's unfolding (having got back in resident in the family home), it's anyone's guess.

Aria999 · 04/11/2020 00:38

As pp have said it's still a problem that he hasn't told you why he behaved how he did. He owes you that at least. If he did fess up to an ow, would you still consider having him back?

Original poster

WTFis2020 · 04/11/2020 05:55

@Mix56 knows the score 😉.

36 hours of no contact and I feel loads better in myself. I can do this 💪🏼 xx

OP posts:

SeaEagleFeather · 04/11/2020 07:20

You can! :) keep strong!

OwlOne · 04/11/2020 08:09

Yes highly doubt it was for a holiday home. If he was locked in to another mortgage then he would have less money for maintenance.

Newwayofthinking · 04/11/2020 08:11

Where is he staying at the moment

NettleTea · 04/11/2020 08:11

I wonder if he has been so subtle in his abuse that you never noticed it before - the boiling frog syndrome. It seems it only takes a word from him to have you doubting yourself, so I wonder whether you have been slowly trained to always centre him - and your lovely times have always been because you were doing what he wanted, with the focus on him? And perhaps this is why he switched off when your attention went elsewhere - towards your mum, and you needed HIM to focus on you for once
I could be way off the mark, but it is very telling that you feel so much calmer and stronger without him, andyou are not filled with self doubt.
Its really common for the slow drip drip of training to take place. And I believe women are more succeptable to it, as society asigns them as the 'carer' role - responsible for everyone elses happiness. Im not saying its even deliberate, but if women are conditioned to be the carers, many men are equally expecting to be cared for, and if your husband has even a slightly selfish streak, then it will play into this scenario.

TwentyViginti · 04/11/2020 08:23

NettleTea makes some interesting points, well worth thinking about.

Needhelp101 · 04/11/2020 12:19

@NettleTea

I wonder if he has been so subtle in his abuse that you never noticed it before - the boiling frog syndrome. It seems it only takes a word from him to have you doubting yourself, so I wonder whether you have been slowly trained to always centre him - and your lovely times have always been because you were doing what he wanted, with the focus on him? And perhaps this is why he switched off when your attention went elsewhere - towards your mum, and you needed HIM to focus on you for once I could be way off the mark, but it is very telling that you feel so much calmer and stronger without him, andyou are not filled with self doubt. Its really common for the slow drip drip of training to take place. And I believe women are more succeptable to it, as society asigns them as the 'carer' role - responsible for everyone elses happiness. Im not saying its even deliberate, but if women are conditioned to be the carers, many men are equally expecting to be cared for, and if your husband has even a slightly selfish streak, then it will play into this scenario.

Completely agree with this.

It took me a few years to acknowledge my ex husband's controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. Probably why I've retained my lovely MIL and SIL, as they can see what an arse he can be 😁

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