17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

Are you in England? If so, lockdown is your friend. He can't come back at least for a month. It gives you both a break and a breather apart, and you can both reassess how you feel afterwards.

But, better to take a longer period of time with him living out of the house and then both re-evaluate in say 6 months or a year's time. If he still feels you are really the love of his life he should be able to wait that long for you. If you still feel that it's worth trying life with him again then you can try seeing if anything can be re-built from a new fresh start.

My hunch is after 6 months you'll see that life without him is so much better and thank your lucky stars you're free

There's no hurry OP. I'm sure he's keen to come back because a week apart can be brushed under the carpet, months apart are a different matter.

As much as he made his decision apparently in an instant - the same isn't true for you. Things have changed a lot and you will do what is best for the children, despite everything. Have faith you will make the right decision, but the right decision isn't made straight away. You need space and time to think things through and for you to see whether he is serious about earning that second chance and not just expecting you to roll over without him making big changes to his attitude and openness.

Only just caught up with this, and wanted to give you some information’from the other side’ except it’s different as I was the one who left (for reasons outlined earlier on why women leave). When I left my children were 12 and 13. It was really really hard, not goin to lie. We had 50/50 care (week on week off) and there were plenty of issues to go through. It helped that we both put effort in to remain reasonable, had joint dinners for birthdays etc but it was really difficult but children are now 23 and 25. They have come through this well and have good relationships with both of us. They now understand why I left, and appreciate that we both did our best for them even though our relationship had run it’s course. I’m single but happier than when married, he is now in a relationship but wasn’t for a long time.

I’d suggest that, if you are considering getting back together, you need counselling, both together and alone, and you need to consider how you want to live your life going forward. Think about you here, what you want moving forward and how you need to interact for the children. It’s pretty awful right now but doesn’t need to stay that way x

Bless you OP...this is the script to a tee.
Getting things back to normal wouls be so much easier I truly get that. He's damaged his children...that's not easy to fix.

The thing is that things cant go back to normal. Not really, not after what he's done.
Wanting it all to stop is normal, but have a rest/break from all this stuff for a few days, clear your head, breathe.
Wanting a break from the emotional stress and heartbreak is normal, but taking him back would be like sticking a plaster on a gaping wound.

@Overseasmom100

Bless you OP...this is the script to a tee. Getting things back to normal wouls be so much easier I truly get that. He's damaged his children...that's not easy to fix.

Quite. The options as I see it are:

• he's had/having an affair (physical or emotional) and left because he thought the grass would be greener but found out it's not. Does the OP want to be the consolation prize?

• as he told him DM he's fallen out of love with the OP. OK so what's he done about this to try and rekindle the relationship both prior and after his flounce? Nothing. Does the OP want to be with someone who doesn't love her but is there for the children and or the "ease" of life?

• he's a "stubborn" bugger who when accused of an affair chose to punish his wife by leaving her and treating his children as collateral damage? Does the OP want to live with someone willing to hurt her children to get her to tow the line and learn her lesson not to question his actions/behaviour?

I genuinely can't see option 4 where he's simply a poor confused little wee soul whose made a big mistake - he's come out of this an utter wankbadger in every case

It takes a cruel, heartless person to decide to shatter their wife and kids lives and downplay it to being "stubborn".

To walk out of a house having given the "I'm done here" speech to his kids, and swan off to his Mother makes him a whole new kind of scummy little man.

Op you've known this guy for 17 yrs... Married for 3. Did you ever think he would behave this way? That he'd treat you and his kids so cruelly?
If your answer is "no" then think on that. He's not the man you thought he was, he'll never be that person you thought he was again.
You deserve the best life, so do your children. Your husband had his life, and decided one day it wasn't what he wanted anymore.
To tell the woman who is the mother to your kids, who has dedicated 17 yrs building a life, a home, a family and memories with that you don't love her anymore isn't something said in a moment of stubbornness. It would seem his mother or friends have shamed into making amends, it sounds like he's had a reality check. I think the question you need to ponder on is if you'd ever feel you could trust him again? If there was ever a disagreement would he have another "stubborn" episode? You and your kids deserve so much more than a guy who flip flops in and out of your lives.
He may have new teeth and clothes, but he's a prat.

Have been quietly reading. I think this new lockdown gives you the opportunity to take you time to think here.

It’s so difficult as you still don’t really know what has triggered this, and the way he has gone about things must make it feel like he’s a stranger.

I'm pretty certain there was another woman somewhere, but who has jumped ship now. He will do it again and has shown he is heartless and selfish, with no thought for his children, diabolical. Time and again I see women strong at the start take back these types. But trust has gone, time won't get it back. The DC's will not forget the rejection, the cruelty, the indifference, the arrogance...ever. And they will be learning from the next steps you take and learning from that too.

I've been through this, utterly bereft and distraught, grieving and trying to keep a home, a job and 2 DC's going whilst in a crisis. Now? I never think about it, I moved on and care less about someone who was willing to hurt my children and abandon us.

Keep going without him, don't fold, and someone, something [you cannot know who or what at the moment, it may be surprising] will be there for you and give you the support to fight with you against someone willing to continue their betrayal of you. Life will take care of it as it did for me, suddenly things can change. You have been through the worst of it, the initial shock and what it does to your mind and wellbeing. I know how horrific it can be. Although I have to say the next time it will be easier.

I think him saying he wants to come back is purely a financial decision. He wants to prepare properly before he leaves again.

I agree with those saying to take your time. If it's right for the two of you to get back together, it will still be right in a month's time. And if he doesn't want to wait that long for you, then it's not a relationship worth salvaging.

Could he take a 6-month rental close by? The two of you could go back to 'dating' for a few months, do some counselling, and both take time to consider what you want from the relationship.

(My only concern with suggesting that is how it would impact the kids. Could you both be friendly and cooperative about it?)

Trust your instincts. Listen to your gut. Can you trust him; really trust him. Can you forgive him for hurting you all so badly? For me objectively viewing: he has bullied you in the worst way and punished you with his silence and his 'I don't love you' and unforgivably, most callously, hurt his innocent children during his strop. It's a destruction of your emotional security with the person you are supposed to feel safest with. Don't forget he offered you emotional crumbs re returning home and has only ramped it up since you have (to him) rather surprisingly not caved in immediately.

If you do choose to give it another go, protect yourself financially (without telling him) and take your time with dating, reconnecting, etc while he still lives elsewhere. The children cannot have the expectation that he has returned long term, only to have him leave again. As others have said, rebuilding can't be rushed and having caused this pain, it's not up to him to call the shots timewise. I have a friend who allowed her husband to return and he stayed long enough to 'evaporate' (hide) his assets and then he was gone again which admittedly does colour my view somewhat. Very best wishes OP

Well 're my earlier input. I'm in awe of you because I faltered and took him back. It does not feel the same. Even before I found out he's still cheating. It felt like he was doing me a favour. No real remorse. No real oomph from him to put his wrongs right but I took the scraps on offer because I was at my lowest point. I wanted him back. Him being the man my brain defaults to, the one I THOUGHT I was married to. Not the cold lieing cheat had actually is. I also think a tiny bit of me just didn't want OW to have him, although that was much more subconscious, I'm only beginning to think that now.
I now know he's pkayibgvus both. My already shattered self esteem is being stamped on. I know I need to end it but I can't. I don't have the balls. I'm terrified.

I Cant tell you what's right otwrong for you. I feel a hypocrite giving advice because i just caved in and grabbed my H back. But don't rush to grab back what he's offering. Take your time to see how you feel. If he truly is remorseful and he really does want you back, he'll wait for you to heal and make a decision. If he pressures you or is too impatient to wait, then you have your answer.

The theory is so simple. When it's someone else's life the clarity is there. I know when it's your life. Your heart. Your emotions, it's a foggy grey area.

Lovely, you want the man you had.

not the man who's dumped you -and his children- like so much unwanted sand brushed off his boots

He's playing a game here and your heart is breaking, but he's not what you want - you want the person you thought he was.

Lovely, stay strong. Be there for your children, because they matter so much and he's played and is playing games with them.

Lockdown makes things harder but it really, really doesn't affect the love and even more than love, the desperate insecurity he will have left the children with permanently because of the way he's dealt with whatever unhappiness he felt, or whatever woman he was drawn towards.

Keep strong, lovely.

You asked "What the hell do I do?"

You remember this part of your first post here: "As he left with his suitcase the other day I asked him to sit and talk and to try and salvage our 17 years together. His response was ‘it’s done’."

Personally, I wouldn't be able to forget or get past him saying that. My father begged for a second (more like 10th chance) from my mother...less than 3 years later he left, permanently, for another woman.

OP, have been in awe of your strength and courage.

I took my husband back after a 7 month separation, after he had a long affair. He did all the hard work, went for intensive counselling, we had marriage counseling, we both did our utmost to ensure our children were Stable.

I soon realised that I couldn't trust him at all and some more things came out to make me realise that it wasn't his first rodeo 🙄

We split up finally and 3 years later, co parent really well. Our children are happy and well adjusted.

I fairly recently heard from his latest girlfriend (nice girl) asking me whether he'd been playing around 🙄 People like this don't change.

I wish you all the strength. Do get Chumplady's book. And I promise you that life without a man you can't trust is a million times better x

Oh, and my ex, arse as he can be, would never just walk out on his children. Never. That's appalling.

@MrsBrunch

I think him saying he wants to come back is purely a financial decision. He wants to prepare properly before he leaves again.

Yup, he wants to get that £25k out...

I would not ever trust anyone who did this to me, I would not trust a man who would do that to his kids

How does that saying go? “Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Just read TWT. I wouldn't be in a hurry to let him back in. I'd be worried that he only wanted to come back to "get the mail". Keep him out while you have a good long think. Certainly keep him out for lockdown. See how he behaves when asked to do that. So sorry you're having to go through this.

I would not take him back. You will be on eggshells waiting for him to do it again. He's destroyed your life together. It's not fixable.

OP go back and read all of your posts.

I've been in your situation left with a new baby. I had the remorse, "for the baby's sake let me back blah blah."

Never go back, only move forward. I've stuck to that through my adult life.

So he's changed his mind again. Done doesn't actually mean done, or does it?
I think you have every right to hit pause on this situation and wait to find out how you both really feel. It doesn't have to be In or Out. Let him find a place nearby and see what happens with co-parenting. If he moves back in it'll hurt even more if/when he disappears again.

How are you feeling today @WTFis2020?
I keep thinking about you. I hope you’re remaining strong. X

Thanks everyone ❤️

Thanks @WizardOfAus, I’m beating up. I’ve asked for him to give me some space and therefore haven’t heard anything from him since yesterday.

I actually feel better when I don’t hear from him at all.

I do totally agree with other posts which say that if you do change your mind you should make him work for it, he stays living with his mum and ‘dates’ you for want of a better word.

I mean personally I don’t think you should change your mind, he’ll fuck off again in my opinion, but obvs I am a random internet stranger and it’s your life!