17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

Of course you are torn, because you know he is still lying by omission. Given his stonewalling to date he is not suddenly going to blurt it all out. Deep dissatisfaction with life and, therefore, a marriage, cannot be remedied by everyone going on before but if you cannot find that route to your husbands inner turmoil you are at the beginning of a very distressing journey which will not end well. He absolutely needs to come clean or nothing will ever be resolved because he clearly does not have the emotional maturity or insight to resolve it himself in a thoughtful manner.

I can only imagine how torn you must feel.

If he had said he needed space and left to take it but his sheer callousness towards your precious boys would prevent me.

His disregard for their innocence and the preservation of their childhood security would ensure I would never trust him with their hearts again.

No decent parent that truly loved their child could do that.

Marriage's fail.
Men fall out of love with their wives and choose to leave.

But a decent father of children WILL factor in his children's wellbeing.

Not a two minute bomb dropping to the whole family as he walked out the door.

He is such a pathetic excuse of a man.

You are too good for him.
I guarantee you will regret allowing him back through that door.

He only wants back in for himself.
Not you.
Not your boys.
Just himself.

You cannot risk their wellbeing in his hands.

Take your time WTF. Ask him to give you space to think, then talk to friends, solicitor, maybe even a qualified relationship counsellor online.
It’s a huge decision for you and your family. None of us know the whole picture. I’d say don’t have him back but that is so easy for me to say and why on earth should you listen to me? I have no qualifications or expertise.
Please talk to people in real life but the least this husband who walked out can do is give you time to consider without hounding you.
It sounds banal but I’d literally write three columns: pros, cons, risks, and write bullet points.

I think telling the kids would be a deal breaker for me.. it meant that he was really really sure and then something changed
I would bet my last dollar on it being the OW getting cold feet thus leaving him without a soft landing
The problem is that unless he can truly honestly explain why it happened in the first place and what has changed his mind it will happen again. There will be someone else and as soon as a better offer comes along he will be gone. Leaving you older and most likely in a worse position
Its a v v difficult one. I would be thinking counselling at a minimum and living separately in the meantime

I can understand how you are in 2 minds here. But it's not just you that you need to think about your DSs as well.

Your 'D'H needs to prove his intentions are honourable. For starters he doesn't move straight back home without a full and frank apology to you and your sons, joint / family counselling, individual counselling- he basically needs to woo you back.

He has work to do and even if he does the work you still have the right to refuse to have him back. however you may feel better as you will have given the marriage a chance.

Personally I think he's blown all trust and respect out of the water and as sad as it is, the marriage is over. If he's lucky and works hard on himself he may be able to re-build the relationships with his sons - I'm not sure he's got it in him, but I'm a stranger at a distance and you will have a much better feel than I.

D Potter’s conditions for return if you go down that route até a really good idea.

“are”

Put him on a trial for 6 months, see how interested he is in reconquering your interest, trust, love, Meanwhile he can stay with his mother.
& prove he is worth it.... no moods, no sulking, no silent treatment, no throwing at you "you should be over this by now"....
Don't hold your breath.

Tell him to come clean first. As he works away, it's very easy to have OW there.
Honestly, leaving out of anger sounds even worse than leaving for OW.
He can easily leave every time he is angry. Do you want to go through that hell again?
For now, you can tell him that you need some space to think about it.

OW got cold feet.

He will devastate your dc all over again the second he gets another opportunity to do so.

I think it’s better to walk away with your dignity intact now than accept his scraps for however long he deigns to give them to you.

A bit tricky at the moment with second lockdown etc, but have you considered couples counseling?
I’m not suggesting you should get back together with him but you are going to have to co-parent with him. Might be a good route for him to realize what a thoughtless duck he’s been, why he acted like a thoughtless dick out of the blue, why he needs to work on him self so that he’s not a thoughtless dick again in the future.

I don't think you'll get an answer. I don't think you'll ever know unless you catch him out or get access to his phone.

Is that what you want?
Can you trust him?

Does any love that you may still have for him outweigh your doubts?

I wouldn't have him back. He's properly fucked up beyond reparation in my opinion

Hey @WTFis2020

I've been following your thread, so first and foremost I am so sorry for what you've been going through.

Firstly I think you need to ask yourself if the real reason you are torn is because you're emotionally and mentally exhausted and would 'just' like to go back to how things were (or how you thought they were)? That would, of course be perfectly understandable and I think most people here (even those all shouting how they'd never take him back etc..) would be feeling the same way. The problem with this though is that in a few weeks / months time, when you've got past the initial relief at things going 'back to normal', all the cracks will re-appear along with some more for good measure. His callous actions have severely destroyed your trust and hurt the children.

The problem with taking him back after all of this, is that once those cracks reappear you will feel obliged to stay with him (even if you no longer want to) as you won't want to put the children through any further anguish.

I would be thinking very long and very hard about the future. There is zero chance I would be letting this man back into my home for at least 6 months, he would need to work very hard to earn back a level of trust and frankly from what you've said about him it doesn't sound like he has it in him.

Good luck x

I'm delurking OP though I've been reading this thread from the beginning. I didn't feel that I had anything to add to the brilliant support and advice you've already had.

Reading your last update made me want to say the following. I've been where you are but no children involved and slightly different circumstances. But the basics were the same. Treated very poorly, I asked the person to leave which they did. Cue ( about a week or so later) much remorse, a tearstained handwritten letter, things would be different etc etc.

Against my better judgement, and bearing in mind our history, I took him back. But I never felt the same about him and while we limped along for another few months before I eventually ended it properly it wasn't a relationship. It was also impossible to get him out of the house again and we cohabited until it was sold almost 18 months later.

Only you can make the decision that you think is right for you and your DCs. I'm thankful I didn't have kids with my ex (wasted my fertile years on the twat but that's a whole other thread!). All I can do is share my experience and say that, from what you've described, he doesn't sound like a good man who is committed to you and the DCs. He's behaved appallingly towards you all and I don't think there's any coming back from that. Please don't martyr yourself to stay with a man who valued your life together so little.

Sending you positive thoughts and strength

OP I have read all your posts and think you have been incredible, so strong & clear-headed.

Good luck with this difficult decision. There should be proper open conversation & honesty from him about what lay behind all of this. You are an amazing woman who will do what is best for her children.

What he hell do you do?

You take your time.

You don’t have to rush into any decision. You can be civil, polite and simply say you need time and space to think about your options.

When he left he forgot that you too could make decisions about your future. They always do. They think they can make all the decisions and forget that you have power too.

As previous posters have said, write down what you need to happen for any reconciliation. That should include counselling for you, for him, for your relationship. Do not be pushed into making a decision because it is convenient for him.

Wishing you well OP.

He’d rather not be at his mum’s, on balance . That’s why he wants to come home.

He would be gone if he had somewhere to go where he’d rather be.

Don’t fall for it.

If you said to him, okay you can come back but in 12 months time when things have settled down, do you think he would agree? If you said you need that amount of time to heal from what's happened and think things through what do you think his reaction would be?

I bet you he'd stamp his feet and would push to come back straight away giving no thought to your needs or your feelings, let alone those of your kids. He'd steam roller over the top of you to get what he wants using the argument that what he wants is what is best for the family.

I'd put him to the test and see how sincere he is. I think that's where your answer lies.

I just read this whole thread - just wow 😳

I think without a confession or concrete proof it's incredibly hard to end such a long marriage.

I would really want to have confirmation before acting in either direction. At the very least there needs to be counselling booked paid for and started before he's back.

I'd want access to his phone and social media preferably without his knowledge of I'm honest. The trust has gone and I'd need some answers.

OP after 17 years together I'd be surprised if you weren't torn - that's a perfectly normal reaction.

Which makes it all the more important for you to consider why your DH absolutely wasn't "torn" not just over his relationship with you, but also his children.

If my DH accused me (incorrectly) of being unfaithful I wouldn't shout/scream/sulk and ultimately "stubbornly" bigger off.

Of course I'd be upset he thought that of me but my reaction would be to talk (and talk and talk) and understand why. I'd be open about any of his concerns. I'd perhaps suggest counselling for us both etc.

What would you have done? Similar I suspect because in a loving relationship you don't want to throw it away over a misunderstanding.

So we keep coming back to the fact the reasons he said he left just don't make sense.

Which can only mean he's still not being honest with you and you know that. He either "fell out of love" which "allowed" him to behave that way but he's now having second thoughts as the full implications dawn on him or there was someone else and it hasn't worked out.

Either way is that something you can live with?

He started this but he doesn't control the timing or the narrative anymore. You do.

You don't have to rush into any decisions. Take your time.

I cant begin to imagine where you are emotionally. The choice for a second change needs to be unpicked a little.

1. He walked out the family home
2. He told his children and his mother he no longer loved you

As for a second chance- Has he explained why he behaved the way he did? Has he thought about the impact of his behaviour on his children. Has he at any point apologised and told you he loves you and it was a moment of madness?

As for me someone walking out, telling me he no longer loves and telling my kids and his mother the same would be a lot to come back from. How do you expect to explain to your DC that you and dad are back together? Is he ready to explain himself to them....god its such a mess all caused by him who I believe is now working away?

OW didn't want to know. Followed this thread can't believe you are torn but it's your life. I think if you take him back you'll learn to hate him and you'll be miserable as hell thinking when he's going to walk out again but just my opinion and you probably will take him back. Good luck.

Chill out @Orkneys.

I understand you are so torn about giving him another chance however he appears to be a very different person to you now. Prepared to throw away a good marriage and family ‘on a whim’.
Would you ever be able to really trust him again?