17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

What was it then if no other woman? No one gets that pissed off at one argument surely? It's just not really adding up.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

What was it then if no other woman? No one gets that pissed off at one argument surely? It's just not really adding up.

My brother’s wife left him in a similar fashion. She admitted afterwards that she just wanted to see how far she could push him, and didn’t believe he’d actually leave.

This was after several years of really shitty behaviour that just kept escalating and escalating. Death by a thousand papercuts.

WTFis2020
I am in awe of you. Wow. You are amazing. I know you must be hurting too but bloody he'll, you've got your shit together.
March this year.... Similar circumstances with my H here. In my case it was another woman who seems a bit deranged (messaging me and my young adult kids). Almost 4 years it's been going on. That's humiliating. How did I not know? He's 54 she's 35. I'm 47. Just like that I'd been binned off. Traded in for a younger model.
It's been shit. I was a flake. As soon as the asshole said he wanted to come home I let him. I think deep deep down I knew it wasn't me he wanted back but the lifestyle. I think he'd happily been shagging ow but the fact she's got an 8yo autistic son and lives with her 60yo mother meant he couldn't be as carefree as he is here, as our 2 dc have left home for uni. It was mid lockdown he went there!
Anyway. V long story short, I found out yesterday (although suspected for the last 2 week's or so) hes back with her whilst playing happy families with me.
It's a mess. It all happened in lockdown. Both dc were home and now hate him. No respect for him etc. I lost my job in April (cabin crew) and am still unemployed, being supported by him financially.
He is due to work abroad on 9th and will need to Self Isolate over Xmas when he gets hone. I'm working up to kicking him out this week and telling him he can self isolate with OW. I'm just so low. My self esteem is on the floor. He's used me and yes I've had sex with him. I've not been successful in my job hunt. I feel old fat and like a reject.

I must do it. I've realised that although I'm hurting and grieving, he actually does not want to be with me. I'm flogging a dead horse. He's like a cold fish. He nods in the right places etc but there's not emotion from him. Your thread resonates with me.
I need to accept my future isn't what I thought and take steps to move on, despite it hurting so much.

You have been so strong WTFis2020 I know you're hurting too, but you are awesome. I've put myself back to square 1 taking the prick back. You, my lady, are incredible. I am trying to use your strength to power myself on.
You are an inspiration.

@BunnyBoilerRhian wow, I’m in tears at your story 😭😭. Please show him you are worth more than this, we can hold virtual hands on this journey.
I might sound strong in my posts but I’m a blubbering wreck in my Bridget Jones pants and feel like this is the end of the world. The lack of explanation has me questioning absolutely everything.
Family and mutual friends think he has lost the plot, as there is simply no other explanation YET xxxx

Wtfis 2020, your doing well after all you have been put through by your husband and dealing with the children he treated poorly as well.
He now got legal advice and know it going to cost him a lot if you get divorced and that you have more assets than him. He forgot that if you we're
not willing to mind his children and be their for them he could not do his current job where he is gone weeks at a time.
I would not let him back into your home. He can't come home now due to the lockdown which suits you very well.
You have time now to gather all the financial information that you need to have to get a proper settlement for you and your kid's. Make sure you include any pensions he has in this. If you let him back into the house he will do the same shit again. You and your kid's deserve so much better than him.

BunnyBoilerRhian, I am sorry for all your husband has put you through. He is another dumb man. His ow sounds deranged from what you said about her. You need to tell your husband he can self isolate with his ow. Gather up all financial information as well as you need this when getting legal advice.
I know you had a lot to deal with this year but Mumsnet is here to give advice and support.

@WTFis2020 can you do some digging? I’m sure if you went into emails, social media, text messages, WhatsApp or hired a private investigator, you would get the answers you deserve. He is never going to tell you, especially if his reputation means everything to him.

No one simply bins their whole family because they were “angry” or “stubborn”. There is a bigger picture here and currently, you’re not aware of it.

@WizardOfAus I know no passwords and he isn’t here for me to have access to his phone.
Can’t afford a PI on top of solicitors fees.
I keep thinking maybe I’ve got all of this wrong ☹️ xx

Not sure why you think you’ve ‘got all of this wrong’. Maybe reread your posts? Look at HIS actions. You’re not doing this - HE is.

[quote WTFis2020]@WizardOfAus I know no passwords and he isn’t here for me to have access to his phone.
Can’t afford a PI on top of solicitors fees.
I keep thinking maybe I’ve got all of this wrong ☹️ xx[/quote]
Lovely lady, are you the one that told your children that you were leaving? Don't think so.
Are you the one who told their spouse they didn't love them any more and then later claimed that it was "stubbornness" or "anger" that sparked that, with no reason given and no attempt to actually demonstrate actual love for their spouse after all? Again, don't think that was you, was it.

You've got it right. Whether there is/was another woman at the bottom of it or something else, he smashed up both your and your DC's lives with his careless words. No one does that by accident.

Stay strong @WTFis2020 he told your children and then you and the left you all.

He didn’t even have the decency to discuss with you and then make a plan to tell your children together to support them. He’s a selfish wanker who only cares about himself.

Why he’s done what he’s done doesn’t really matter the fact remains that he’s done it.

You haven’t got it wrong, you just don’t know exactly what had happened and why, however for most people what you do know is enough to end the relationship.

• months when you could have done with support spent withdrawn from you, spending abnormal amounts of time in his phone and other things that didn’t add up over that period
• when challenged, he withdraws totally for two days and in cold blood, not at the end of a shouting match, his response is.....to leave because you want different things and he doesn’t love you.
• instead of leaving for a few days to get his head together or something, he passes the point of no return by telling the children. This is a man who has braced himself to rip the plaster off. Why the urgency? Why was he so sure if all that was the other side of his move was a bed at his mum’s and then the rental property on his lonesome.

If there never was another woman you know he was so sure he no longer loved you or wanted to be with you that he told the children. Even though the price to pay was no longer living with his children in his family home.

Everything still does point to another woman; it might just have been an emotional affair, more probably those overnights that didn’t quite make sense were opportunities, but your accusations led him to precipitate a leap that she was not prepared to make. If she had a partner too she might have been terrified so your DH was in no doubt that his vision of the future wasn’t going to materialise.

Then picture the future if you let him return. He hasn’t wept and pleaded for forgiveness, written or spoken at length about how much he loves you and how he realises that the past few months he distanced himself because of X [flattered by client flirtation/ depressed and feeling neglected] and it was wrong and he is sorry.
I think if he comes back, you will have an angry, resentful bedfellow. He will feel humiliated that the children, friends and family know what he did, resentful that he has to settle for you, until the children are older, because his gold standard values prevent him just up and offing (his rationalisation). You haven’t even afforded him the dignity of pleading with him.
I think he will resent you, not feel grateful.

Should you both manage to muddle through, there is a huge risk of him leaving after the children reach independence and then you have lost the best part of a decade in which to reshape your life without him, and you will probably be financially worse off.

You have to stay strong. If he's done it once, he'll do it again. As you said, the man you love has gone. You've seen the new one, that can do this to you. Is he a person you want to be with?

even if it was simply 'he had had enough of it all being about your mum' it kind of shows how he behaves when he doesnt think he is the focus of your attention. If he was withdrawing and punishing you because your attention was elsewhere, instead of helping you - what does that say - that he is only engaged when his needs are being met, he wants to be all take and no give?

But as others said - he had the opportunity to speak, to address any issues that he had - other woman or no other woman - but his choice was to sulk for 2 days and then declare the marriage over, telling your kids as an afterthought as he headed out the door.

Excellent post @LightDrizzle

LightDrizzle is very astute:

I think if he comes back, you will have an angry, resentful bedfellow. He will feel humiliated that the children, friends and family know what he did, resentful that he has to settle for you, until the children are older, because his gold standard values prevent him just up and offing (his rationalisation). You haven’t even afforded him the dignity of pleading with him.
I think he will resent you, not feel grateful.
Should you both manage to muddle through, there is a huge risk of him leaving after the children reach independence and then you have lost the best part of a decade in which to reshape your life without him, and you will probably be financially worse off.

This is almost exactly what happened to me twenty odd years ago. He wasn't quite as bad as your H in that he admitted the affair - I was oblivious of course - and he had the protection of family and mutual friends not being aware of it. But yes, he wanted to leave only she changed her mind and he was distraught as he was in love with her. We tried separation but he would only fucking go for a couple of days before slinking back. He tried to pretend we had a discussion about what I wanted, (a separation) but he wouldn't comply, wouldn't move in with parents, said he could move into a cheap hotel - but he had no income and I couldn't afford the family mortgage plus a hotel for him.

As LightDrizzle predicts, he wore me down and I accepted him back and eight years later, when the kids were older teens, he fucked off anyway. I would have been much better off, emotionally, mentally and financially if he had gone when I wanted him to.

I wish MN had been around then - I wish I had confided in my parents (who would have supported me financially so I could tell him to fuck off), My life could have been SO different. I'm not unhappy now but I'm in my 60s and single and likely to remain so - and for the most part contentedly so I confess - but had he left when I was 40 I just feel I would have had a better chance at another relationship.

Maybe you have got it wrong and there is no OW, but what he did do was leave you and the dc, tell the dc with no thought to the a db ignore you for days. OW or not, his actions have been unforgivable

Just keep in mind he told the children, honestly no one who isn’t sure of what they were doing at the time does that. And if not then what kind of person is he ??

My ex flip flopped about and I was an emotional wreck after it. He was just surer after a year of messing me about that he definitely didn’t want to do the family thing with me

OP, ask yourself, can you ever imagine yourself telling your two boys that you're leaving them? Can you imagine causing that pain and confusion?

No.

He not only thought about doing it, he did do it.

That's not a man I would ever trust again.

You have done nothing wrong.

Nothing.

Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. If you don't have that, nothing else works. He has shown you he can't be trusted.

Also respect is very important for a relationship and I don’t think he’s shown any by his actions.

@ThrawnCow

Lozjay, I don't think the OP is 16. You must have the wrong thread.

🤣🤣🤣

Quite.

Sending you strength and all good wishes OP, you've got this. x

@BunnyBoilerRhian and hugs for you. In quite a similar situation here. DH present but utterly dissatisfied and negative towards me, our home, our history, our life together. Assume that is because he is using all his positive energy elsewhere (and he has to be negative about me to justify his behaviour to himself).

People who can compartmentalise to this extent are utterly cruel and vile. You can at least be satisfied that you did everything you could to recover your marriage and it is he who has blown it apart for the second time.

I’m sorry this is happening to you at a time when you have lost your job too. Sounds like you know what you need to do but, as you say, how dreadfully hard this is going to be when everything has fallen apart.

You can rebuild it though. As will I. As will the OP. I think that sometimes the universe has another plan for us from the one we imagined. And while devastating, we will find our paths once again.

How are you today @WTFis2020?

Are you sleeping any better?

Hi @WizardOfAus
Sleeping and eating better thanks.
He is now begging for another chance. I’m not going to lie, I am torn.
What the hell do I do? My heart says one thing and my head says something completely different xx

Im sorry WTF it’s such a hard place to be in has he

• said that he’s sorry, he loves you & understands that there is no quick & easy way back?

• expressed remorse & understanding for the harm he has done DC by announcing to them he was leaving

• set out any practical ways ge will ensure he’ll never be such a dick again

Words are cheap....it’s his actions that matter