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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

17 years and my husband has walked out

999 replies

WTFis2020 · 21/10/2020 05:39

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

OP posts:
CandyFlossPink · 31/10/2020 12:10

And this is why you have to take control of the situation. You can’t be controlled by his indecision, his whims, his changeable moods. He is all over the place and probably will be for some time OP.

Decide what you want and stick with it. Think about what you need to happen. If you are thinking, even a little, about the possibility of reconciliation write down what it is you need to see and hear from him and by when. Not for him to see. For you. It will serve as a reminder of what you need when he will possibly try to win you round in the future.

You don’t need to make any decisions quickly although it doesn’t necessarily feel like that right now.

You are showing your strength when he is showing his weakness.

He’s a complete disgrace to do this to you and your children. You don’t deserve this. No-one does.

beachyhead · 31/10/2020 12:12

He wants to come back because 'it's going to cost a lot and you have more assets than him'.

Not exactly a declaration of undying love or heartfelt plea for forgiveness, is it?

I'm afraid he has burnt his bridges......

Gooseysgirl · 31/10/2020 12:16

He can feckin bubble off and stay with his mother!!!

CandyFlossPink · 31/10/2020 12:16

@CluelessnotShoeless Lots of us have been in this kind of situation and my heart goes out to you.

I think only time will help. And finding small things to do that bring you a bit of happiness each day. It does take time though. And patience. And tremendous self-compassion.

Flowers for you.

ThrawnCow · 31/10/2020 13:34

Lozjay, I don't think the OP is 16. You must have the wrong thread.

MzHz · 31/10/2020 13:41

Love, hold firm

He’s threatening you like he did before.

You may have more assets than him, but the kids stay with you, he earns more than you and his accommodation needs are minimal due to his working away.

Speak to your lawyer immediately about how you can make sure you are as safe as possible

You can do this and he really does need to go.

What he did to the kids was enough on its own.

MzHz · 31/10/2020 13:42

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Gosh yes, don't let him back in before lockdown or you'll be stuck with him! Shock
Can’t emphasis this strongly enough

Don’t let him into your home.

I know he’s working away, but he can stay there

Mix56 · 31/10/2020 14:08

Nope, he wouldn't set foot in my house, he has no remorse, he has no respect, he hasn't even touched the edges of how cruel he has been to his own children, & of course you.
After 17 years you have a strop, throw in the towel, destroy your family to the core with a throw away 2 minute adieu ?
because he's errr; stubborn, because he was angry ? Did you even know he was angry?
Sorry, don't believe a word of his bollox. tell him he won't be coming back in the near future, he has hurt you all too badly, & you will need time to decide what will be the future for you & DC, & he can wait, or not, until that time. Its all the same to you.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 31/10/2020 14:20

He’s saying if we go down the solicitor route it will cost us a fortune and I have more assets than him.

Wow, how romantic, not. He can crack on and face the realities of his decision.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 31/10/2020 14:37

I suspect the really painful big if this is hearing him say he wants to come back and knowing it's not out of great love for you. That must be heartbreaking.

Get hold of the paperwork if you can for all his assets, pensions etc while he's away, see what a solicitor says and then make him a reasonably offer with room for negotiation. See if you can get evidence of an OW just got your own peace of mind.

And offer to go to mediation with him. This doesn't need to be a bloodbath and mediation could nip that in the bud plus if he refuses or goes and is unreasonable it will go badly for him in court.

Sort out access and make sure the children understand that you will not be together under any circumstances "daddy doesn't love me. I know he loves you and he said he wanted to come back and I know that was just got you, but I can't do that. So we will make sure you have plenty of time with him and we will all be friends but Daddy won't be living here again."

Don't bow to pressure - his or theirs. You will all be much happier with a clear arrangement and a clear split. It's not what you asked for or wanted but it's what is happening. You will all just have to deal with the consequences and unfortunately the blameless (you d as bc the children) more so.

But I suspect you will soon start to remember things that make you realise he checked out a while ago. If he works away he's not really ever checked in as most of his life is spent without you.

Repeat to yourself "It will be shit. But I will be fine. It won't be shit forever"

LittleEsme · 31/10/2020 14:59

Steel yourself OP.
He is slowly changing the script so that it's you who's now being awkward, that it's you who's refusing him back.

You may waver. You may feel guilty but please please remember that he ended things in a cruel 2 minutes.

No way was this done "in anger" - it was premeditated and thought out. He told your children. Children are the protected ones, the ones who are put first above everyone and everything, yet he told them. This wasn't a spur of the moment, knee-jerk reactionary decision.

The problem for him, is that you've not fallen apart and apologised and begged to have him back. The problem for him, is that you've listened to him and taken his word as truth.

He didn't reckon on your strength and he didn't foresee a mother's fury. He hurt your boys.

So when he tries to establish that it's YOU that's being awkward, remind yourself what he's done and tell him that this is a consequence of his actions, nobody else.

This will happen OP. Be strong.

LittleEsme · 31/10/2020 15:00

Frankly, I could never, ever, trust him again.

Joistlooking · 31/10/2020 15:44

Oh OP what a completely shit situation for you and your poor DC. I agree with other posters - and your gut feeling - I don't think his heart is in a reconciliation. If it was there would have been a grand gesture: the biggest bunch of flowers in the world; a letter or card declaring his love begging your forgiveness and that of his children for treating then so abominably. It must hurt like hell.
He will try to turn the blame onto you, but that is the script. Only you can decided what is best for you and your DC but, for me, it would be curtains. Even if I could accept that he didn't love me anymore, I would be waiting for him to leave again and then I would be to blame for putting the DC through it a second time.
You could, I emphasise could, tell him that before you could even contemplate letting him back into your lives you need to understand what had made him so unhappy/angry/ stubborn that he would destroy his children's lives in a heartbeat, without waiting around to reassure them of his love for them. Then what he is going to do now to reassure his children that he is not going to leave them again. Leave the ball in his court.
Or you could just tell him to go himself.
Your are awesome

NettleTea · 31/10/2020 15:47

Was your mum being critically ill the first time you had needed to emotionally lean on him - so you needed HIS support rather than you being the one providing support.
It so often seems that these men feel like they need a bit of ego-pick-me-up when actually required to give instead of take. After all the stress of having to deal with their wife's problems, they feel they deserve a treat for being such selfless giving husbands, either that, or they resent having to be the emotional support and start to look elsewhere where the 'better or worse' just means for them.

NettleTea · 31/10/2020 15:49

and what was he so angry and stubborn about? You challenging him as to why he was being so distant and stuck to his phone?

Rather than deal with the issue, he got angry and stubborn, sulked for 2 days and pronounced he was leaving and didnt love you any more.

Davespecifico · 31/10/2020 18:20

Don’t have him back OP!

StevieBudd · 31/10/2020 19:15

What an utter pig! Given how you and your children have been treated you think he’d be done on his news begging for forgiveness. But no he’s talking about the cost of divorce and how he was hasty.

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 31/10/2020 20:16

Imagine dumping your family like a piece of rubbish then the full country goes into lockdown 😉🤣 xx

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2020 20:18

"Thank you for telling me that you did this out of anger and stubborness. It has made it all so much easier. Now I know that you are capable of utterly traumatising our children as a result of your anger and refusing to discuss the ramifications of your actions out of stubborness, I have no doubt that refusing to reconcile with you is the right decision. I am sure that you can understand that I am not prepared to risk their, or indeed my, health and happiness at the hands of your whims. Good luck with lockdown"

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 31/10/2020 20:22

@PyongyangKipperbang 🙌🏼😘

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 31/10/2020 20:27

I have been there too, sometimes chucking it right back at them is the only way to shut them up. They dont like it, especially as they know they did it to themselves!

ReneeRol · 31/10/2020 20:39

I do wonder, you say in your earlier posts that you believed there was another woman.

Do you think he left and then she didn't want him or perhaps he met someone online, thought it was his soul mate but once he left you and went to meet her, she wasn't as she presented...

It's all blown up in his face now. Stay strong!

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 31/10/2020 20:47

@ReneeRol call me stupid, but I actually don’t think there’s another woman now 🙈🙈. Might be easier if there was xx

OP posts:
ReneeRol · 31/10/2020 20:53

There's definitely not one now!!! Who knows... Best of luck going forward. The hardest part is over, you'll get through the rest.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 31/10/2020 21:01

@WTFis2020

Imagine dumping your family like a piece of rubbish then the full country goes into lockdown 😉🤣 xx
Haha I know! His timing is impeccable 😁😁