17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

This happened to a friend of mine. Her DH was trying to borrow on the mortgage to buy a second property and also take out shares on a property abroad. First my friend heard about it was when the bank telephoned her (thankfully) regarding the application. Despite the fact they had a joint mortgage her DH went ahead with the application as though her authorisation wouldn’t be required...he behaved really oddly as though it was a fait-accompli when it was clear it would never get off the ground.

He was having a mid-life crisis and throwing money around investing in timeshares abroad and various ‘money making’ schemes. He saw it all as a brilliant investment and as though he would make millions from it when it was clear to anyone that this wasn’t going to happen. When challenged he called it ‘his money’ and that it was ‘his right to do what he liked with his money’. He completely changed from being a normal human being to being someone she didn’t recognise any more.

Mortgage companies must be so used to this.

You should be able to run a credit check on him so you can see if he has applied for any other loans or cards, and what debt he already has.

Omg! I’m horrified

How are you feeling @WTFis2020? Are you ok?

Do you think there is any truth in the “money’s for the Spanish apartment”? Or do you think this was a ruse to get money away from you?

Seriously, do credit checks with all of the agencies on both of you.
Do the CIFAS thing to prevent any attempts on joint loans.
Take 50% out of any joint accounts, especially savings, if you haven't already.
Tell your solicitor and ask for any advice on other ways to protect yourself.
You said he had left his bank statements behind, get them copied or photographed.
Is there any way you can get any documents that can be used for identification purposes locked away or out of the house. DH and I have just opened a joint account on line and it was really easy for me to do it on his behalf with his passport and a copy of our latest water bill. ( With his permission of course....) I sent stuff to his email address, but if someone set up a new email address of [email protected] and used your details.......

I’m still here guys. A few more texts from him about moving forward from his over reaction. 🙄
I’m beginning to think this is all part of a high power struggle 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ll show her how much she’ll miss me. If I want an apartment in Spain, I’ll get one..........

What a dick

Do check your credit on Experian or similar OP, and get that marker.

Explains why he wanted to stay in the spare room so he could get his loan agreement without you seeing it in the mail. What a scheming git.

@WTFis2020

I’m still here guys. A few more texts from him about moving forward from his over reaction. 🙄 I’m beginning to think this is all part of a high power struggle 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ll show her how much she’ll miss me. If I want an apartment in Spain, I’ll get one..........

What a dick

I think it's more than this. He realised he didn't have his loose ends tied up. He needs to be married to get certain things done and once you've served your purpose there will be another fight only this time you'll be in a much worse position as money will have vanished and there will be new debt he's taken out while married which becomes your debt too.

How awful to be in this position. Of course you want to believe him but it doesn't ring true. I think if you do enough digging you will find out the truth and that at least will help you get clarity.

I think you need that solicitor more than ever, and I think that when he comes back it will have changed forever. He will feel like the power balance is in his favour and he's showed you his hand - he doesn't love you. So in his mind if he's back you know he doesn't really love you and you accept that.

He doesn't want to lose money, you doing his housework, and easy access to his kids. But he also doesn't want to lose whoever he is shagging. You need to know the truth.

What's his plan for "moving forward"?

Is there any consideration of your DC's and your feelings?

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

I think you are right.
He now realises he rushed his hand.

He thought he had time and OP would beg him to return and he was simply putting manners on her, in the interim.

OP, I would be beyond suspicious of anything and everything.
It will serve you well.

He has established that he was really stupid to up and leave.

Stick to the narrative.

"He left the family home, to move into his mother's, its final. He has all his belongings.".....the sooner you can add "we are divorcing"....the better.

Don't believe a word from him.

Wait, Wot , He has not even said sorry
This is more than a power struggle, this is unilaterally buying a flat with a new secret loan without your knowledge if this cock & bull story is to be believed

The Spanish apartment is either a deliberate distraction ... or is he trying to move joint assets abroad and out of reach?

Or -what else does he need £25k for??

So sorry OP. Keep breathing.

I would agree with the other posters here about getting your address registered with CIFAS and let them know your husband is no longer at the address. If he applies for credit your address will be flagged and banks/credit cards ect will let you know your address is been used to get credit.
Plus £25k won't buy him an apartment in Spain so that's another lie he has told you. No wonder he wanted to move back to the spare room to get his post and so you would not know about this £25k loan which he was probably going to take out in both your names.
He really is a "gift that keeps giving". I would let your solicitor know that he applied for a £25k and told you it was for a Spanish apartment. You opened the paper work for this. The truth is he is looking for that money for a reason or a few reasons.
He is now realising that your not going to take back especially after how he handled telling you it was over. He then told the children he was going and left you to deal with their upset. He can't change what he has done over the past few weeks and being honest he only cares about himself.
You need to do some digging now and get as much information as you can together and be ready to fight hard for what you and the children deserve.

I think he's been rehearsing that one tbh. He had his excuse prepared in advance but it will take 5 minutes to prove it a lie. Lots of questions... where is it, etc... but then how many square feet? What are the communal charges, where are the nearest shops, who owns it currently? Why are they selling? It won't take long before he's getting angry and shouting because he's caught out. What a lying pig. Mr wonderful family man - yuck.

OP what's your gut feeling on the 25k and apartment story? Hope you got some sleep.

Hope you managed a lie in today

Honestly in awe about how you’re dealing with all of this, you’re a star

@footprintsintheslow I do actually believe the apartment story , just maybe that it’s not for ‘us’. He’s stating that the apartment has always been on the cards, which it has, just not a priority of mine.

What bothers me the most is his lack of remorse. He keeps talking of trying again but with no true emotion or fight. As if I’m here for the taking and will back down to whatever he wants.

I think the only way forward is to tell him I will be taking legal advice (already taken unbeknownst to him) due to his lack of remorse / the fact he no longer loves me / to protect myself and the children from debt he intends to accumulate during his midlife crisis. I will inform him to seek legal advice also.

Just a thought...are you sure the loan is for an apartment in Spain. I live there part of the year and I would be delighted if I could buy an apartment for 25k.

OP when you've previously talked about buying a Spanish apartment was getting a loan discussed? Is this for a deposit? Does his methods fit with what you were jointly planning?

@footprintsintheslow yes, part of his savings and part loan. I’d agreed on the Spanish property whilst my Mum was in ICU and I wasn’t in a good place. It’s not something I want and definitely not now.

HIS savings?

Surely not! Not now anyway!!!

And you are right, he is blithely carrying on as if you will be there when he wants. Just waiting. He'll be clinging to that mistaken belief for a while, I suspect!

Ah, so he going to buy an apartment in spain with HIS savings , so you don't get access to them..........
Definately a conversation with Solicitor required.
He discussedwith you when your DM was in ICU> That seems a bit odd, or long term planning.

I would try and not seem too confrontational about this so as not to alert him. Just say you understand but you don't want to do this with him and need to disentangle your finances first then if he wants to buy it he can.

But when I read about him I see arrogance. Breathtaking arrogance of the type that men who think they have it all display. He feels like he's on top of the world - you will of course go running back. Change the locks ('lose' your keys) and get a formal separation in place.

Be prepared for him to get VERY nasty. He will stop paying the bills so you need to get the house on the market straight away. With a bit of luck that will at least keep him paying the mortgage. Because you can see a solicitor but if he pays all the bills currently and decides to stop, telling the world that you kicked him out and that's why he's not paying a solicitor can't force him to.

So that needs to not matter to you. You need to be financially independent. Half of any money in joint accounts is yours and I suggest you try to get the logistics of the split pre divorce organised with him first.

Factually explain it's over. You want to be fair, the kids will come around (you actually need them to as he will go bananas otherwise and stop paying) and you will sell the house. So that means no debt in the meantime and he needs to support his children. Keep all emotion out of it.

Meanwhile a fucking hot solicitor will explain that you are entitled to at least half - and you need to get all his documents - pensions the lot. And put half of the joint account money into your account - tell him you are doing it (after you have) so he can't use it against you.

But I think this is going to be a bumpy ride. And he needs to feel like any move he makes is public. Not looking like a cunt to others is probably the biggest thing stopping him from being a full on cunt.

It's going to be horrible. One minute you will feel all girl power the next minute like a 5 year old girl yourself. Gather your friends around and fuck the Covid rules about having friends over (or get great outdoor heating) and stock up on the vodka (highly recommend both Aldi and Lidl for cheap yet exceptional booze)

Start thinking about work and how you can step that up. Take up exercise. Start putting yourself first.

And encourage the kids to see him (not in your home!) otherwise he will try that spare room shit again.

There is a whole other world your husband is inhabiting right now you have no access to and he is not for sharing. He has no insight into what he has done and why his own behaviour is at the root of his dissatisfaction which is why he is so dangerous your happiness. Nothing you are saying suggests he is a man you want to gamble on any further - he is looking for firm footing for the time being but he will mess you around, play with your head and you will always be wondering what he is doing and when he is leaving for good if you allow him time to gather his thoughts back with the family. That is no way to live no matter how hard it might be to see this through. You are doing amazingly well and are not losing sight of what he did and what that means for your marriage and you.