17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

@OwlOne

A solicitor might just have told him that if he's in debt he'll pay less maintenance.

Ah, that might explain the 'spare room' gambit. He wanted to pick up his mail without OP knowing about this loan.

SNAP! WhatsAParlay

@OwlOne ‘Stubborn’ protects his ego. It’s an acceptable adjective.

More acceptable than ‘weak’ which is the descriptor I would use!

JFC why does he need such an insane amount of money all of a sudden?

There is a huge piece of the story here that OP is currently not aware of. I'm sure you have thought of this already, OP, but have you run an Experian report on yourself to check in case there are other debts you are not aware of?

I would do a credit check asap as a pp suggested, and then immediately get on the phone to the solicitor to make them aware of this development.

Oh this is not a good development. As far as you know, are you solvent ?

Oh this is not a good sign, could it be the ‘other a woman’ is actually an addiction of some sort? Has he been living a double life? ..

That's an eye watering amount. How did you get on with fraud team OP?
Thank goodness you spoke to a solicitor before this letter arrived (judges enjoy this kind of thing )
Is he after a flash new car or something

So apparently the loan was for a Spanish apartment we’d been looking at recently. He was buying it for ‘us’! He seemed flummoxed when I asked how can this possibly be a priority for him at the minute when his family are slipping through his fingers.
Fraud team have been great, they’re reporting it and hope to send me a letter to confirm me reporting it. I will keep his application pack for my solicitor.
I have also phoned our mortgage company to notify them of the separation and to ensure they can be no further borrowing.

@WTFis2020 I'm in a similar position.Please make sure you have access to all financial records (I didn't). Photocopy everything he asks to remove (my STBX shredded for a month before he asked for a divorce). Make notes and send to your solicitor any recollection of anything you might have signed or co-signed over the years. Check all accounts for transfers and large purchases going back years.In my sad experience, men do a lot of planning. I'm in the terrible position of not knowing whether my STBX has hidden our assets very effectively or simply bankrupted us. Also change every password!!!!!!! If you have emails under one administrator and it's him, he has access to EVERYTHING.

You are handling all of this so brilliantly.

...what the fuck? The man is bizarre. Has he cared to explain why this has all happened in the first place?
I wonder if he was planning on fucking off to Spain alone and deign to see his children on holidays

Silly OP! He’ll just buy the family an apartment in Spain and all will be forgotten.

This just gets more bizarre! Do you believe the Apartment story? Does the amount seem right? Why would he take out a loan in his sole name? Or is this to fund the set up with OW?

I feel like I’m on a secret game show where if the husband can get the wife to divorce him in less than a month, they win £1m 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Oh dear. Time to get that spade out and start digging.

Your new full time job - private detective. He's lying through his teeth and has been planning this for a while. Arguments are usually caused by them as a cover, it's the oldest trick in the book.

There's another woman. And a LOT more.

@WhatsAParlay

I expect he wanted to be back in the spare room so that he could pick up that letter when it arrived

Unfortunately this was the first thing I thought of too.

So he expects you to believe that ONE WEEK ago he told you and the kids he was leaving, but today he tells you he's in the process of buying a Spanish apartment for you all.

Agreed that there is a whole chapter and verse of stuff going on that you don't know about.

Can you see him on Facebook/social media?

Are any of your friends DH's his friend? What about work friends? Can your friends do some digging?

Are you able to afford a private investigator?!

None of his behaviour makes any sense. You are incredible OP, honestly. I fully admire your resolve.

Just gets more crazy by the day. You are epic though OP!
Spanish appt my arse!

Sorry to read OP.
Mine walked out of our long marriage...2 months later his affair came out because she was up the duff 🤦‍♀️.
We are a few years on but it's been a mare fighting in court....
so yes change passwords on everything
Try to get an agreement early if you can - I was too upset to mediate and looking back i should have just agreed when i had the chance
Get your hands on his paperwork...be sneaky if you need to
Do not be generous with your kids time - if they say no then keep them home. At 11&12 they have a voice
Do not confide in mil she will side with her son even if she thinks he is a shit. Be polite and pleasant but no more.
Your mutual friends will pick a side - decide who you want on yours
Keep your business yours! I didn't tell the school mums as didn't want any gossip...I was able to keep my head held high and stopped me falling apart in the school yard.
He made his bed....dont fall for feeling sorry for him!
Find a good counsellor, you will need a sounding board
Dm if you need. Its hard in the beginning x

How bloody awful. To discover that the person you lived with, loved and thought you knew has all this time been living a double life. His sudden departure was probably a forewarning that something about this life was about to come to a head.

You've reacted with admirable composure in reporting this as fraud and protecting your own finances and family interests. Notifying the mortgage company was a smart thing to do, as will be taking further advice from your lawyers so as to protect your assets.

The question of a possible OW doesn't even seem relevant at this point. He's already told you more than everything you need to hear; you have all the evidence necessary that he's deceitful and as a result the break is insuperable. I'd let your lawyers deal with this from here on out. And if he has anything he'd like to communicate with you, advise him to do the same.

You might want to get a CIFAS marker on your name, in case he tries to take any finance out in your name. Costs around £25 and they notify you every time an application is made and put it on hold until you authorise it.

@Babysharkdoodoodood that's a very sound piece of advice.

Do you know when the loan was requested ? It's been a week since he threw you family under the bus. if it's since he left, it's a blatant lie.

I second babyshark. Get a cifas category zero marker on your credit file. Will stop any unauthorised applications with your name on and they have to notify you to check the right person is applying