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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

17 years and my husband has walked out

999 replies

WTFis2020 · 21/10/2020 05:39

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

OP posts:

Sazand · 28/10/2020 08:43

You’ve hit the nail on the head! We’re together on false information. I feel so angry all the time. He’s very sneaky with his phone - or as I see it. I’m paranoid apparently. I just can’t see a way forward. I’m a mess!

Original poster

WTFis2020 · 28/10/2020 09:11

Thinking of you @Sazand. You can’t live in this anger forever though, use it wisely and against him - he won’t know what’s hit him

OP posts:

WhatsAParlay · 28/10/2020 09:13

If he's serious about having "another go" then he'll have to give a lot more by way of an explanation for his behaviour, starting with what he's been doin on his phone all the time and the nights out that don't add up and how he came to move out and how on earth you're supposed to believe a word he says after all that. If he's serious he'll explain all of that, without moving back into the spare room, without upsetting DCs further, and he'll give you the time and space you need to think it through. Without huffs, threats or sulks. This situation was his doing. Only he can put in the considerable effort to undo it. And then it's your decision.

Mix56 · 28/10/2020 09:16

He is texting... for me it stops there, if he is really remorseful he could walk over the road & ask to talk, yes "talk", face to face.
He could apologize, he could pour out his dilemma, he could cry, tell you it's been a mistake &....... then...
You could see if he was genuine, & you would consider it....
But, No, one or two half baked texts would make me even angrier

WhatsAParlay · 28/10/2020 09:20

@Mix56 I couldn't agree more.

LittleEsme · 28/10/2020 09:26

@MudCity

As predicted the ball is in your court and it is your decision to make.

Be clear in yourself what, if anything, you need him to do...what, if anything, you need to see or hear from him going forward which might make a difference. Or maybe there isn’t anything at all he can do now which is also fine.

Just know your boundary so he doesn’t try to push or manipulate you. When you don’t respond to his ‘give us another chance’ messages he will undoubtedly start to accuse you of not working with him to save your relationship. This is why you need to be totally clear what you need because it is going to be so easy for him to get what he needs out of this while you get very little...no explanation, no apology, no follow-up.

Whatever you do OP, you can take your time. There is no rush to make any decisions here. Don’t let him push you to make decisions in his timescale.

OP, I think these are very wise words. Don't let him dictate what happens from now now. Whatever he throws at you will fill you with more insecurity, but remember these are tactical moves now.

Ultimately, he dumped all of this into your children's lives. That leaves me feeling quite sick at the thought. I'd never trust him again.

Keep talking to us.

BrowncoatWaffles · 28/10/2020 09:26

I was going to post exactly what @Mix56 said too!

It's like 'yeah, really sorry, want to give it another try... but not enough to put my coat and shoes on and risk the evening chill.'

He so easily threw away his family and seems to think it's as easily picked up. It's an astonishing level of entitlement. Come on, not even a bunch of petrol station flowers for your trouble?*

Of course they wouldn't do anything, but at least it would show an attempt at trying.

LittleEsme · 28/10/2020 09:29

@Sazand your 'H' is a gaslighting bastard and I don't use these terms lightly.

Sit back and think logically. He has lied to get you and his life back. Now you've discovered the truth, he is saying that you're mentally ill? This is very much part of the devious script.

Please start your own thread for your to get some support and strength. The lengths men go to, to get what they want leaves me feeling cold.

For you, Sazand . You deserve better.

billy1966 · 28/10/2020 09:33

He left after two days of silence.

This was no strop in anger.

He was premeditated in his actions and absolutely callous with his children.

Your children will NEVER forget this.

I also believe he will try and use his mental health to force your hand.

Be strong.

He thought he had a plan.
He was wrong and can't believe it's gone tits up and YOU have accepted him leaving.

He is neither a good father nor a good man.

I think you will bitterly regret even considering taking him back.

Someone who could be so careless with the emotions of his children is NOT a man you want in your home.

How would you ever trust him again.

See your solicitor.
Make your plan.

Your marriage is over.
He needs to accept that.

He needs to focus on his children and his relationship with them and trying to rebuild their trust.

Sazand · 28/10/2020 10:34

20 years is a lot of time. Why did he throw it away like that! I think I hate him.

NettleTea · 28/10/2020 10:39

and of course his focus now on wanting to sort things and his mantrum/storming out means that the ORIGINAL question that led to that is being overlooked
the behaviour leading up to the storming

Guiltypleasures001 · 28/10/2020 10:42

Maybe he wants to come back and have a roof over his head, whilst he's waiting for his future plan to be ready?

If there is an OW maybe she's not fully available yet, so he needs to bide his time, and feels justified In moving back in get his washing done

Then make the bigger leap once the OW is onboard

MudCity · 28/10/2020 11:43

If he’s having a mid-life crisis then chances are he won’t have a clue what he wants. He will be torn between a familiar and secure life with you and the DC and the lure of a fresh, carefree, start trekking in the Himalayas while having a 20-year-old admiring him and telling him he’s the best thing to walk this Earth.

There will be a part of him that knows deep down that he can no longer be that carefree person and that is what makes mid-life crises so sad. They are completely dissatisfied with themselves. Not you, not the DC, themselves.

Original poster

WTFis2020 · 28/10/2020 12:15

A £25k bank loan agreement for him has just landed on the doorstep! I’m currently on the phone to the fraud team as he no longer lives here and his circumstances have changed. What a knob.

OP posts:

SpaceOP · 28/10/2020 12:16

What on Earth does he want a 25k bank loan for? I'd actually be quite concerned about this.

OwlOne · 28/10/2020 12:18

Wow, that is worrying. Does he want to be in more debt to avoid paying maintenance? Does it suit him to be in debt? Does he want the debt linked to your address/house?

OwlOne · 28/10/2020 12:19

@WTFis2020

A £25k bank loan agreement for him has just landed on the doorstep! I’m currently on the phone to the fraud team as he no longer lives here and his circumstances have changed. What a knob.

Wow, you're a boss

footprintsintheslow · 28/10/2020 12:20

My god OP what on Earth is going on? Could be a gambler, would explain the being on the phone a lot.

billy1966 · 28/10/2020 12:24

OMG.🙄

Well done for getting in front of this.
Also alerting your morgage holder and any other sources of credit.

You need your solicitor to know this.

He's a piece of work.

TwentyViginti · 28/10/2020 12:26

Fuck. No wonder he wants to come back.

OwlOne · 28/10/2020 12:27

Just going back to page 5, but he felt certainty when he told the kids he was leaving. It is so strange that he thinks he can file this fickleness (ow not wanting him) under ''stubborn''.

OwlOne · 28/10/2020 12:28

A solicitor might just have told him that if he's in debt he'll pay less maintenance.

picosandsancerre · 28/10/2020 12:33

The gall of the man. 'Can we give it another go',,,,seems he has forgotten that he told his DC he was off and told his mother he doesnt love you anymore. Not even an attempt to speak to you and explain or discuss. And now it is over to you to make he decision so he can tell folks you split them up. Complete tool....

MudCity · 28/10/2020 12:33

I wouldn’t be able to stop myself marching across the road waving it in my hand like a mad person screeching ‘You got mail...you got mail...’ at the top of my voice!

Well done OP for finding a more practical way of dealing with it.

WhatsAParlay · 28/10/2020 12:34

I expect he wanted to be back in the spare room so that he could pick up that letter when it arrived

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