17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

He can get up early and walk across from his mum's house to see kids before he goes to work. No need to sleep in spare room.

One problem solved.

Aw bless him. I'm guessing OW isnt too keen on a loser who lives at home with mummy
Well fuck him and fuck that. You're doing spectacularly OP

@LittleEsme my evenings since the tsunami include general napping on the sofa, crying, then laughing hysterically with the odd barf when I feel like I’m going to hurl. Like a scene from a psycho trailer 🤣🤣🤣
Very attractive.
This board is keeping me going!

Keep on keeping on OP. I'm sure it's harder when he's scooting all over the place. Hopefully he will give you some space when he's away with work & you can get your ducks in a row.

If you have anyone handy to change the lock barrels in your doors, would be easier than getting a locksmith & one less thing to worry about.

Hope you're getting enough rest & being kind to yourself through all this

How are the dcs coping?

First of all, wow! You’re amazing OP! You are Beyoncé! Well you’re better than Beyoncé as she took the f-er back after he cheated!
Second, although it’s not 100% that he has cheated, all the signs are there. My best friend went through this with her husband. He met someone after he started his new job, and then all of a sudden he hadn’t been happy for ages bla bla bla. He’s now engaged to OW, but apparently not the happiest man alive.
You are amazing! So strong! Sending you all my love xxx

"stubborn" has just entered 2020's catalogue of words that have completely changed in meaning from the original then!

Stubborn, my arse.

What he means is that, for whatever reason that he dropped his bomb on your family, it hasn't worked out for him, so he's changed his mind.

THAT is NOT stubborn. Pigheaded, arrogant, selfish - yes. Stubborn - nope.

More texts asking ‘can we give it another go’ but with no real passion or emotion. Almost like I called him out too early.

@SaltandPepperIt DCs are better than expected thank you x. Eldest more angry and still refusing to talk to him, youngest is naive I think. He works away two weeks at a time so I imagine it just feels as though he’s at work, so no different (apart from the occasional outburst of tears by their Mum).

Is he making no attempt to explain why he left in sick an abrupt manner? Why the sudden turnaround. Do you have access to any of his social media accounts that you can have a snoop?

No explanation other than that her flew off the handle. Nothing has been mentioned about my accusations of another woman, as if his outburst has suddenly wiped all memory if that from both of us.
No access to his social media and part of me thinks that I’d rather know

Of course you'd rather know, it must be torture. Presumably cheating is a deal breaker but a temporary breakdown is something that can be worked on? It's the not knowing that's the worst.

That was meant to read ‘I’d rather NOT know’

It's tempting to live in denial but you sound like an intelligent woman and would that really work for you?

@footprintsintheslow no ☹️. I do need to know about the OW but I don’t think I could cope with the gory details as to what I’d find on social media.

So 'he was wrong and has to live with it' BUT so do you AND your poor DC. He hasn't acknowledged the impact his actions have had. He dropped a bomb in the middle of his family and walked away. He can't undo that.
His lack of remorse would have my red flags waving, I would be very suspicious of his motives.
Having told you, his DC, his mother, and whoever else, that 'he's done ' a quick about face and brief declaration of love is unconvincing.

Ha.
Flew off the handle, had a strop and walked out would wash as an excuse IF he hadn't also told your DC.

But he did.

That's either staggeringly cruel, or he meant it at the time and has had a re-think because things didn't go the way he expected.

Either way though, he has caused immense hurt to his CHILDREN through his selfish actions and, even if YOU were prepared to give him a second chance because of his actions to you, would you be prepared to do so after what he's done to them?

@WTFis2020

No explanation other than that her flew off the handle. Nothing has been mentioned about my accusations of another woman, as if his outburst has suddenly wiped all memory if that from both of us. No access to his social media and part of me thinks that I’d rather know

2 days silence then deciding on the 3rd day that 'he's done' is not flying off the handle. It's premeditated.

As predicted the ball is in your court and it is your decision to make.

Be clear in yourself what, if anything, you need him to do...what, if anything, you need to see or hear from him going forward which might make a difference. Or maybe there isn’t anything at all he can do now which is also fine.

Just know your boundary so he doesn’t try to push or manipulate you. When you don’t respond to his ‘give us another chance’ messages he will undoubtedly start to accuse you of not working with him to save your relationship. This is why you need to be totally clear what you need because it is going to be so easy for him to get what he needs out of this while you get very little...no explanation, no apology, no follow-up.

Whatever you do OP, you can take your time. There is no rush to make any decisions here. Don’t let him push you to make decisions in his timescale.

OP, I've been following this thread for a while and am in awe of your strength.

All I'll say is that my ex-husband had an 18 month affair with someone who I thought was a friend and was the mother of my eldest's child's best friend, so not exactly a prince amongst men.

However, he would not ever, in a million years, have told his children he was leaving and fucked off 5 minutes later. That is ice cold.

I had a feeling he'd start the "I own half the house, it's my house as well, I pay the bills" shit, and my next prediction is he'll start on mental health/depression/suicide risk.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Ha. Flew off the handle, had a strop and walked out would wash as an excuse IF he hadn't also told your DC.

But he did.

That's either staggeringly cruel, or he meant it at the time and has had a re-think because things didn't go the way he expected.

Either way though, he has caused immense hurt to his CHILDREN through his selfish actions and, even if YOU were prepared to give him a second chance because of his actions to you, would you be prepared to do so after what he's done to them?

This He may not have an OW he may have not known what he was saying but to tell your children is unforgivable

Of course his mental health was perfectly fine when he thought he had the option of your relationship/marriage, and most likely whoever he's been absorbed by, he was happy on his perch picking and choosing. Now that he doesn't appear to have those options, and he's a separated man stuck in his mum's house with his kids not speaking to him and his wife not begging to have him back, his mental health will probably become a problem (a problem he'll try to guilt you into fixing).

My husband and I have had a hard few years and last year we had a “break” from each other. He instigated it. It was only two weeks. He came back and then I found pictures on his phone of two women, bank statements showed he’d stayed in hotels etc. He swore blind he only slept with one and only once. I was devastated. I took him back He said it was only during the break. This year I felt I’d moved on. I’ve now found out - stupid me - that he of course slept with both and more than once - went on longer than our two week break. I’ve had STD tests which are clear. I just feel like I’m living it all over again and I don’t think I can carry on with him. I just don’t know what to do. He’s acting like I’m mad. I don’t trust him at all and constantly think he’s talking with other women.

@Sazand How awful for you. You were moving forwards and this has now set you back again 😞. Did he sleep with him once he had come back from ‘the break’?

While I can understand why he would minimise the truth, it is so damaging to your relationship. You made your decisions based on false information and the result of that is going to be loss of trust.
Instead of acting like you are mad he should be understanding that what he has done is deceitful, untrustworthy and cowardly. I guess he can’t take responsibility for that though...easier to lie and hope he gets away with it than face up to the damage he has caused.

So sorry you are suffering.