17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

Is that what he told the ow too?

I think you’re doing amazingly well here!

WOT ? unspeakable flaky behaviour, has he actually spoken to you face to face since his tantrum ?

@WTFis2020

He’s now saying he’s just been stubborn and he loves me 🤣🤣🤣

"Stubborn"? About what? This is actually bizarre. Did you guys have a minor tiff before he decided to blow up your family?

There's another thread ongoing where a man has threatened to leave his wife and it's clearly a control tactic and he's getting a shock because she's saying, "Ok, off you go then. This relationship isn't actually working for me anyway". Was your DH doing this? It's just so weird. I can't imagine a situation where I say or do something so incredibly damaging and cruel in the heat of the moment but even if I DID, I can't imagine I wouldn't be absolutely prostrate with remorse afterwards.

I am increasingly of opinion that his emotional affair turned out to be just that. And she's told him it was just a bit of banter and she's not interested in a relationship. So now he wants to come back....

No doubt your stomach is churning OP, even more so at the thought of him having discovered this thread (unlikely, but not impossible).

Well, so what if he's here? So what if he sees an army of strangers at your back and giving you advice? So what if he realises the strength you're garnering from everyone's experiences. So what if he realises what a monumentally unforgivable thing he has done by dumping this in your children's lives.

This board is visited by women who have been hurt, let down, used, abused, abandoned and betrayed and together, we are able to support one another and to keep one another strong for our children's sakes and for our own well-being.

So if he's here, let him read the truth of his actions. Cowardly, selfish and utterly cruel. It's bad enough that he dumps his mid-life crisis on you, but to tell your young children is appalling.

Whether he's here or not OP, he is now realising that you are a woman of strength and dignity. Hang on in there and keep on keeping on (KOKO)

@WTFis2020

He’s now saying he’s just been stubborn and he loves me 🤣🤣🤣

Stubborn - yup....

That's a good explanation for walking out on your wife and children after months of shitty suspect behaviour, followed by 2 days of sulking and a 2 minute chat to say "see ya" to the children.

That's not digging your heels in is it? It's not "stubborn".

That's fucking off without a care for those you are supposed to love the most - cruel would be a better description. As would selfish and self centred.

What a prick....

He's sending you all these texts, but is he actually trying to engage with the children at all, having basically blown up their lives and family as well as yours?

What a piece of work!

I would just stop engaging with him entirely. He’s going to flip flop all over the place for months on end.

Yes definitely, his OW has backed off completely I would suspect and now he is back tracking while trying to save face and maintain the power he presumed he had over you

I bet he now does love you op. Now he's spoken to a solicitor!

@SpaceOP what is the name of the thread? I can’t find it x

Stating he’s stubborn, of course he loves me etc. Yet no fight in him! No declaring undying love and how he’s devestated he’s hurt me and the kids. Still part of the script I think? Mind games? Making out I’m leaving him? Totally baffled x

here - it's getting a bit out of date now and hasn't been updated much

What was your relationship like pre his sudden departure? Because this does sound like classic control tactics but it is weird that he seems to have gone from 0 - 100 in one week.

But the "making out I'm leaving him" is, from what I can see, part of the script. It's all about ensuring that you are positioned as the bad guy. Down the line he'll be telling his new partner that you were having a few minor problems, he wanted to work through them but you were crazy psycho, tossed him out and refused to even address the issues. While keeping him from the kids etc. She'll be posting on here about how the kids don't want to spend time at their house and how the ex (you) is beingg really mean and encouraging the children to see her (loving, kind, great dad) DP just desperately wants a relationship with his children.... because she'll be completely deluded and unaware of the fact that he woke up one day, announced he was leaving, told the children and disappeared. Then attempted to come back without actually admitting how he'd fucked up.

Tried and tested.

I just went back to your OP. You suspected an affair, and accused him of such. He then sulked for two days, then walked out.... So actually, ignore my question about his control tactics going from 0-100 very quickly. In his head, the story he's telling is that yo accused him of all kinds of things and were totally irrational (he will see this as being fact whether or not he was or was not having an affair). So his walking out was justified as clearly he couldn't be expected to live with this kind of environment. Now, you are supposed to be incredibly grateful that your behaviour has not in fact made him want him to leave you forever.

But of course, his over reaction, damage to the children etc, is all completely forgotten in his head because it was all actually your fault.

OP I think you are incredible. I think I would be unfunctioning. I am so proud of you!

I was waiting for him to start making out that all this was what you wanted.

I will never forget my ex saying he wanted to separate and then when I took action...moved out, got legal advice etc, he said ‘Is this really what you want?’

No, but it was what you wanted...remember?

How quickly they forget that they are the cause of all this and start claiming it was just a ‘mistake’ on their part or actually it was all your fault in the first place (because you accused them of having an affair / lying / whatever). Minimising responsibility, that’s the age old tactic here...’I’m just stubborn’... Stubborn??!!

“Stubborn”!
Has he randomly picked a stereotypically male vice that is the least humiliating and damning for him to admit to? As opposed to say selfish, callous or unfaithful?
God! He’s really struggling to clamber out if this hole he’s been digging for the last few months.

It’s depressing but the timing with your mother’s critical illness is something I’ve heard time and time again and I find it baffling. At a time when you would hope their sympathy and desire to protect and support their partner would be at its highest, they disengage and pursue something or someone more fun instead. It’s happened when the wife herself is ill, I know of more than one couple where she has had cancer and he’s left or had an affair.

I know it’s not most men but he is not alone.

You should have made more effort WTF. No matter what you personally are going through, taking a bit of extra time to make yourself pretty and your husband comfortable; actively listen to his problems and little triumphs; make him feel like the king of his castle, - never goes amiss.

Still, you’ve got lucky and Prince Charming is considering a return ...

Oh this volte face is part of the script.
Day : sure enough to tell the kids he's leaving, tells you ye want different things and tells his mother he fell out of love.

A week later he expects no arguing. He was 'stubborn' 🤔🙄

Maaaan. About what was he stubborn. How could you keep up.

Glad you spoke to a solicitor OP.

I agree the others, he thought you'd be wailing and sobbing and pleading with him to come back for weeeeeks. He is shocked. He thought he was choosing betweeen two options. I almost feel sorry for him. Poor lamb 🐑

@LightDrizzle

“Stubborn”! Has he randomly picked a stereotypically male vice that is the least humiliating and damning for him to admit to? As opposed to say selfish, callous or unfaithful? God! He’s really struggling to clamber out if this hole he’s been digging for the last few months. It’s depressing but the timing with your mother’s critical illness is something I’ve heard time and time again and I find it baffling. At a time when you would hope their sympathy and desire to protect and support their partner would be at its highest, they disengage and pursue something or someone more fun instead. It’s happened when the wife herself is ill, I know of more than one couple where she has had cancer and he’s left or had an affair. I know it’s not most men but he is not alone. You should have made more effort WTF. No matter what you personally are going through, taking a bit of extra time to make yourself pretty and your husband comfortable; actively listen to his problems and little triumphs; make him feel like the king of his castle, - never goes amiss. Still, you’ve got lucky and Prince Charming is considering a return ...

this isca common story. I remember my mother observing a similar thing. She said her friends werent 'allowed' to be sick for more than a fortnight or they ended up separated

Is stubborn kind of the opposite of fickle?

Maybe that's more like '"constant".
But I agree with @LightDrizzle that saying the problem here is that he has been stubborn is hard to process in the circumstances!!

This thread is proof if ever I saw it that no woman should ever perform the 'pick me' dance. Kudos, OP. Actions have consequences and he's been made to feel his. Your children will not be subjected to this hurtful behaviour twice, and you've shown him that while he might not value you, you value yourself.

I wonder why they always use the same excuses, strategies and methods of attack? I'm loathe to say it but these are exactly the same limited and utterly transparent patterns of behaviour that abusers always display. The Script. They never fail to learn it by rote.

I admire you for your strength. I wish (many years ago) that I could have found a forum like this. I used to have all those ''wobbles'' in the middle of the night that would make me second guess every decision I made and feel sick to the stomach questioning if I was doing the right thing for my 2 sons. Your husband has shown no genuine remorse over his treatment of your children or shown respect to you. Continue to reveal your feelings,doubts and emotions to all the helpful friends who support you on this thread. Everyone is here to support you.

Generalising now, not zoning in on OP's husband, but I think it's because on some level, they feel they gave up a lot to be married. They dont need to be abusive to feel (erroneously) that they have sacrificed their freedom, that there is greeeen grass out there. If one woman at work flirts with them and makes them think they could still be out there, then they see being married as a favour to ther wife. So one office flirtation or one emotional affair and some men think they have done a lot of hard yards being married, giving more than they got back. Boo hoo 🐏🤪😭

It is a abundantly clear that he overplayed his hand and has been given the bums rush by the other woman.

OP, be glad he's a bit thick and has made such a twit of himself.

Keep the narrative very, very simple.

"He's been unfaithful and left the home.
He has changed his mind, or more likely, she has!
His decision is final.
His brutal treatment of his children with a two minute conversation as he walked out the door has ensured that you have accepted his decision as absolutely final."

He is a prize prick.
Some marriages can recover from an affair.
I don't know if mine could.

However, I do know if my husband broke my children's heart in the way yours had, he would be dead to me.
I would NEVER forgive his treatment of my children in such a callous manner.

Someone has definitely told him that he has majorly fxxked up and shown his hand far too early.

Be glad he did.
It has saved you valuable time, just as the solicitor suggested.

You are doing just great.

Sunshineandflipflops..... sensible advice especially the comment. “It hurt me less to be civil with him than to hate him”
I understand if this can be achieved after time everyone benefits. No I’m not a Pollyanna, nor in your situation OP, but I hope with time your pain lessens as hate does corrode. I wish you and your children well as you navigate these painful early days. And no, don’t ignore your MIL, she’ll possibly be in bits too, grieving a broken relationship. She’s your children’s grandma, but as others have said, don’t share anything you don’t want to be passed on.

OP are you ok?
what are your plans for this evening?