17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

I think staying in the spare room is horribly confusing for the DCs. They've been told once their dad is leaving, for him to "come back" and then (presumably) leave again is unthinkably cruel. I'd be asking him to put his DCs above his own selfish needs and stay away.

Also, if he is about to go away for work, why unsettle the children just before that, as they are just getting used to him not being there
A reconcilliation is not on the cards, so him going, coming back, and then going again is in nobody's best interests, least of all the children who have specifically stated that they dont want to see him.

As others have said. He has chosen to leave the home, and his possessions are gone. That means he cant just walzt in. He didnt leave to get some space after an argument, you didnt agree between the two of you for a trial seperation, he claimed very clearly, to you AND to the children, that the marriage was over and he was off.

Ultimately, when there are children involved, the divorce lawyers do try to centre the children and their best interests in everything that plays out.

He may pay the bills, but you’re the one picking up the prices from his midlife crisis

He’s asked the kids if they want to see him, they say no, you don’t want him there and yes, inappropriate is the word to use here

You all need space and time to heal before making any decisions and as he has options he can use them to give you the space to help get the family in good order for whatever comes next

Don’t panic about anything, you are strong, he’s a monumental bellend and the kids don’t want to see him atm.

I changed my locks one day after ex walked out. Could not take the chance of him entering the house as and when he felt like it. There would have been no way of knowing who was trying to get into the house. I was willing to face the consequences for locking out his arse. Mine and our children’s safety were paramount despite what the law said.

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

It's totally inappropriate for him to use the spare room.

The main reason being that it's confusing for the children.

He left.

Moving back even for one night, in the spare room will give them hope that he might return on a permanent basis.

I'd respond as follows:

"Whatever rights you may have, I would hope that you would put the needs of the children first.

They have already responded to your texts informing you that they are still too upset to see you.

Moving back into the spare room is likely to give them hope that you plan to return permanently in the future. This is inappropriate.

We will work out proper arrangements for you to see the children soon but we also need to respect their feelings as they adjust to your decision to leave."

So has he moved back in already or gearing up too it?

This song just came on the radio @WTFis2020 and I thought of you. You’re doing amazing. Hope you get on well with your legal appointment today. In the meantime, blast this out! 😀

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Nji6poKpgjc

@Dullardmullard

So has he moved back in already or gearing up too it?

Tbh I doubt he really wants to move back into the spare room.

He is just "flexing" his muscles since the OP didn't start begging for him to come back after he send his "I don't want to lose you text".

That didn't work, so now he's "no more mr nice guy" (as if that wasn't obvious anyway) to bully/frighten her into doing what he wants and the outcome he thinks he deserves - which is cake and eat it (see chump lady unified theory of cake).

He's following the script damn right.

Given he chose to leave the OP has options to keep him out of the home - this needs to be a priority discussion with the solicitor.

Somebody or the internet has warned him that moving out of the marital home is not recommended.
I hope you see your solicitor very soon and that she/he is helpful.
You might try a delay tactic; email him saying it was his decision to move out and tell your children and they are understandably finding it very difficult, so while you are not going to argue about his rights at the moment, you are asking him to stick to his original plan for now.
Do you have anything in written form from him saying he would stay with his mum/ move to the rental property?

Yes, he is starting to worry now. He thought he was holding the power by walking out then realised you had power to make decisions for yourself.

So now we have the ‘I have rights...this is my house too...I pay the bills’ because he is aware you will also be making decisions.

My ex absolutely shit a brick when he told me he wanted us to separate and I took him at his word and found myself somewhere else to live.

They want to call the shots, be in control and really don’t like it when you start to take control of arrangements yourself.

You know his game. Every time he sees you on your phone he will be worried. Every time you go out he will wonder where you are going. Every time you take a call he will feel even more out of control.

He’s brought this entirely on himself.

However weak you might be feeling at the moment OP, he is weaker.

However difficult it is for you right now, play relaxing music, seem happy and relaxed in front of him, pretend none of this is impacting on you, do nice things with your DC, do nice things for yourself.

He wants you to rant, rave and cry. Do exactly the opposite.

Wow, not acquiescing instantly to every whimsical n3xt move he presents is "playing games" - argh!
Bon courage xx

Ps i recommend m8chael sealy meditations for anxiety.
Or put on a "minds in unison" no more anxiety in the background. They have guided meditations, hypnosis, raindrops, classical music.

Sounds plinky plonk, but they do help a bit.

He’s running scared OP. He’s not in the driving seat any more and is suddenly realising that when you tell someone you are leaving they too will make plans...plans that don’t involve you!

Poor little lamb.

Be supremely calm OP...he will be totally rattled by it. He will actually want you to be nasty so it plays into his ‘this is why I should leave’ position. Don’t give him that satisfaction, however hard that is. If you want to rant do so with friends, family or on here.

He’s not in the house and won’t be moving back.
The conversation has moved onto my new car I’ve told him I’ve ordered (so he can have his back) - he seems to want to talk day to day stuff as he’s ‘sick of arguing’
Said he was wrong in his behaviour and he’ll have to live with that - I’m trying to play Mrs Nice Guy at the minute and told him he needs counselling for his bottling of emotions 😉.
Just come off the phone to solicitor who was amazing. Suggests divorce rather than a separation agreement - said I’d get more that he’s offering due to pension pots etc
Bring it on.

Said he was wrong in his behaviour and he’ll have to live with that

Aaah, he's the victim here. He made a mistake and you are punishing him?

The thing is, has he thrown himself at your feet, and the DC's, begging forgiveness? Has he suggested what was happening in his head and how wrong it is, admitting that he was completely selfish and acted in a manner that was cruel and selfish? Has he provided a list of the things he wants to do to make sure this never happens again?

No? Then screw him.

Yes, people DO make mistakes and say and do things that they then realise are wrong. But I have zero sympathy for thinking that means you can just carry on with your life without acknowledging how you fucked up stares at BIL

I think pps are right. I am not sure of the legal situation as he voluntarily left the family home but he is definitely not thinking of his children. If he comes back into the house, even to the spare room, this will confuse the children and set their expectations that he is coming back and they will be completely devastated all over again, when he leaves again. I would explain this to him along with the fact that as there is not going to be a reconciliation he would only be distressing the kids further.

@SpaceOP is right.

I’m sure your DH is ‘sick of arguing’ OP because it isn’t going his way!

Saying he’ll have to live with it? Nod sagely. Yes, he will.

There’s nothing like getting a divorce petition in the post to make you face up to reality sharpish. He underestimated you OP.

Well done OP. Sounds like you're doing amazingly well.

So he’s having to back peddle because things aren’t going his way. Surprise surprise. What is it about men with their predictable script?

You are truly inspirational and showing your DCs a great example of how to be decent but not allow people to walk all over you. As they grow up they will be better men now they realise that actions have consequences and being kind is the most important thing they can ever do.

He’s now saying he’s just been stubborn and he loves me 🤣🤣🤣

@WTFis2020

He’s now saying he’s just been stubborn and he loves me 🤣🤣🤣

What a prick

Back tracking so fast

Perhaps he has heard how much it's going to cost him

His mother is probably haranguing him, telling him he is a fool, & she has not accepted his behaviour.... She may say he has to go & live his shiny new life.... elsewhere ! :o)