17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

@WTFis2020

He is now staying he has every right to move into the spare room as he pays the bills. He has said he will now be contacting a solicitor before he signs anything over as I am playing games. I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

I might have had some sympathy with him about that if he hadn't taken upon himself to decide to tell the children. There's not a lot of going back from that, is there. He's broken their hearts and now he's changed his mind?

Wow, is he so selfish and thick that he doesnt see that he is putting his wants above his children's needs?

It isnt all about him, but as with my ex, they just dont see it.

My response would have been, You have asked the DC, they have replied.
Now, I would not respond, he won't have time to see a SOL before leaving, but you do have the time !
He is throwing his dummy out of the pram as you are not crying & begging him to come home.

Let him go to a solicitor. In fact advise him to do so and let him know you will be doing the same for the sake of the children so that any further communication is legal an amicable.

Although legally still his house if a partner or spouse has moved out the former matrimonial home it is no longer their home and it is actually quite difficult for them to move back if they change their mind. Owners' rights to occupy and access a property have to be balanced against the rights of the person living there to privacy and a family life in their home. Advise him it would be reasonable to agree any access at a mutually convenient time.

If he unreasonably uses force it is molestation or harassment and the court can make a non molestation/occupation order effectively giving you occupancy rights and barring your husband from coming to the house. You can also contact the police who will attend your house if he turns up to prevent a breach of the peace.

@OnCandyStripeLegs I don’t think he has changed his mind - not about me. The realisation has hit about his children and assets, which mean a lot to someone egotistical.

My paranoia is through the roof, I’m even scared he’s on this board - I mean, I know he won’t be, but my mind is racing x

Way to mess with your kids heads a bit more. What a selfish idiot. He clearly didn't think this through before making his big announcement and that is not fair.

I've just seen this thread and read all your posts OP. I'm sorry. What a twat.

Of course, when he was getting in touch to say he'd have the kids on weekends if he was home and one evening after tea, I knew at that point that this was not a man who was going to continue to be "fair" and sensible re the split. The fact that he's ignoring how upset he's made the children is also a sign that this is a man who honestly can only see his own side of the story and genuinely has no idea that his actions might actually impact other people.

I have no real advice, but do be prepared to accept that this isn't going to be quick and painless. He's very quickly moving into the world where a) he is the injured party and b) he believes he has "rights" that you are trampling!

Good luck.

Going from what people have commented on posts such as these. It is likely that he might have the right to stay there. If he is on the rental contract / mortgage.
If he is determined to do so, you are not under any obligation to cook , clean, engage in any conversation with him .

I agree grey rock is the way to go. Have you rearranged the solicitor.? The sooner you get legal advice the better.

Here comes the next phase of the script. He’s turning nasty because you’re not playing his fucked up game.

As someone mentioned above, google the grey rock technique and employ it in all interactions with him. No emotion. Just statements.

I don’t think that’s appropriate is perfect.

Don’t respond to the text about him seeing a solicitor. He’s goading you to respond so he can get his way and get back in the house.

Oh look at him playing the Big I Am, and throwing his weight around! Way to make everyone really want him back in the family home now, hey.

What's next? He forces you all to talk to him? He forces you to still be his wife? Is he serious about this behaviour, what the fuck does he hope to achieve with this?!

Get back in touch woth your solicitor's office and get a new appointment very quickly. Tell them of his latest communication. You need proper legal advice to keep him out of the spare room.

For today double lock, leave keys in lock, thro the bolts, jam a hockey stick - use whatever you have to keep the doors locked against him.

As others have said, his story has changed, his internal monologue has gone from ' Freedom Fighter' to 'Injured Party'. Stay strong, keep [osting for support if you need it.

Best of luck working though the next few days

Don’t reply yet, you don’t have to. BUT!! Get and see a solicitor ASAP! Find out what you rights and responsibilities are if you go down the divorce route - even if you don’t want to atm you will feel better having knowledge of what your rights are, and how things might progress. This is your life too - take control over your side of things.

Op whenever I am in touch with my ex I always think about how my email or text would look to an outsider - judge, mil etc and it means I always send a short, clear message always focused on the needs of the children. I wouldn’t react to threats, I would possibly say ‘I agree we both need to talk to solicitors to reach an agreement that best meets the needs of the children’ and as previous posters have said it currently would not be appropriate or in the children’s best interests for him to stay in the spare room.

Well if he is on this board maybe he will see how other men have done the same, the script is boringly common and how a lot have regretted treating loyal wives so disrespectfully after the initial "Im free" has passed

I agree with everything stealthninjamummy said. Be businesslike.

‘I agree we both need to talk to solicitors to reach an agreement that best meets the needs of the children’ and as previous posters have said it currently would not be appropriate or in the children’s best interests for him to stay in the spare room.

Perfect.

What I would do is remove anything of yours from view that you think he might target eg if you have anything breakable and sentimental like a vase from your dear old Gran on display I would put it away out of sight. He is likely to be 'clumsy' to punish you for not playing along with his romantic drama. Secure your jewelry and passports, marriage certificate etc. The person who gets to the solicitors first to file for divorce gets to steer the whole proceedings or they can delay for years if they want. Don't let him get in first, if you can help it.

What an arsehole! Wouldn’t he want to make it easier for you and the kids and stay with his mother? I assume he’s going to snake his way back in with the kids. Selfish man cannot possibly see how he’s hurt you.

OP,
He left the family home.
He does not get to push his way back in.
That is not how it works.

This is a very nasty man who has clearly displayed his contempt for you and your children.

His belongings are with his mother.
In effect, he no longer lives with you.

Please do not hesitate to contact the police.
As he no longer lives with you, I think you should change the locks.
On the basis that having left the home and having clearly told your children, who are old enough to clearly repeat what was told to them, he no longer lives at your address.

Flagging the house at 101 will put your home on the police radar.

He doesn't get to leave, change his mind and bully you.

Remain very calm.
You need to see a solicitor asap, so that you can clearly state, he left the family home and is now demanding to return.

Stress that his belongings are no longer at your address.

Please reach out for support from family and friends.

He cannot bear that you aren't on your knees begging for his return.

This is all about his ego.

You are doing great.
Can someone change the locks?
Can you ask someone to buy and replace the barrels.
If he becomes even slightly aggressive, you have every right to protect yourself, your home and your children from his erratic behaviour.

Don't try to get the locks changed - legally he has a right to enter his house. You could change them, of course, but he would then be within his rights to request a new key, which rather spoils the whole point of changing them.

And he sounds like he would be the sort to demand a new key.

Yes he has the legal right to enter the house.

I wonder if OW dumped him when it all became 'real'.

Al, this talking about spare rooms and texting you football scores is exactly what lovely posters were telling you would happen an hour and a half after you first posted.

He thought you were going to go to pieces and that he was going to be the happy and celebrated victor and he would buy some leather sofas for his new pad and it would be so great.

Instead he is living with his mammy and his children are cross and you don't even want him back.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

Is correct.

However, he has moved out.
If he chooses to demand entry, please call the police.
This at least will give you the basis of an occupation order.
Speak to your solicitor asap.

Keep repeating to everyone that he has left the home and moved in with his mother.

Calling the police will show him you will not be bullied.
Keep your keys in every door to prevent entry.

Stay strong.

I suppose you could try telling him that he pays the bills (I'm assuming you also contribute) to keep a roof over his children's heads. Not to entitle him to come and go as he pleases.

Work pays me to be there, but not to come in, sit and drink coffee and annoy everyone when I'm not rota'd on. I've got every right to do so, but nobody in their right mind would choose to be where they're not wanted - surely?

I might reply:
"LOL, Wasn't it you who waltzed out x days ago, saying you "were leaving" without a 2nd thought about the devastation you were causing to your DC,
You have asked them , they have refused to see you.
Why on earth wouldyou want to sleep in the spare room? You have what you wanted. Your shiny new life.
You do know this is not a game?"