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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

17 years and my husband has walked out

999 replies

WTFis2020 · 21/10/2020 05:39

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

OP posts:
footprintsintheslow · 27/10/2020 05:26

I think mumsnet was made for a 2am waker. You sound incredibly strong. Are you able to have a nap later when exhaustion kicks in?

MudCity · 27/10/2020 07:40

You are doing great OP.

He didn’t even think of the consequences of his actions and now he’s got to live it.

Take control. Think about what it is you want and put that at the centre rather than what he is causing you to do.

We can spend so long asking ourselves ‘Why?’ trying to find a reason or explanation for their shocking behaviour. Try not to focus on that because all your energy is going on him if you do that. Focus only on you.

If you need an explanation there is only one...he’s weak.

PersonaNonGarter · 27/10/2020 07:53

If you need an explanation there is only one...he’s weak.

This^. Don’t drive yourself crazy. Weakness, hormones, flattery, boredom at work, opportunism, ageing, etc. There’s a long list and nothing to do with you.

You are doing so well. Are you seeing the solicitor today?

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 27/10/2020 08:04

UPDATE - he has text asking if he can stay in the spare room this evening, so he can see the kids before he travels back to work

This is after he has text the kids each day and they have said they do not want to see him.

I give up. He is an absolute loony.

OP posts:
Onlyonewayout · 27/10/2020 08:07

What a selfish bastard! If his mum lives over the road so why does he need the spare room? Or is he thinking it’ll be a way to weasel back in.

30mph · 27/10/2020 08:19

'that would not be appropriate' (although I'd really be trying to avoid saying something far more knee-jerk)

MudCity · 27/10/2020 08:20

He is starting to realise what he has lost.

Not necessarily what he has done to them and to you (he is going to be in a state of utter self-absorption at the moment because that is how they cope). It will be all about him and his needs at the moment.

The first thing he needs to say to you and your DC when he sees you is SORRY. And mean it. If he can’t say that then he stays out of your house.

Your home is now your sanctuary.

Goslowlysideways · 27/10/2020 08:22

OP I hope you're ok this is all so awful. Make sure you eat properly and maybe plan a trip out with the kids to distract yourself a bit.

BrowncoatWaffles · 27/10/2020 08:31

Agree with 30mph ''that would not be appropriate' is a measured and reasoned response (the 'you utter bellend' is implied).

Hope all goes well with the solicitor today WTF.

LilyLongJohn · 27/10/2020 08:41

I'd be telling him the kids have made it clear what they'd like from him at this moment and he needs to respect that and give them some space. You will facilitate his relationship with them, but on their terms and not his, or yours.

I suspect he's starting to panic and realise what he's losing, his shitty behaviour has backfired, and rather than you begging him to return and worshiping him, his family have stuck up two fingers at him and have said 'fuck you'

letsdolunch321 · 27/10/2020 08:43

My reply to that text would be -

You made your bed, now you lay in it. NO to the spare room request.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 27/10/2020 08:44

He still doesn't want you but he wants his kids. Just reply and say 'I'm sorry the kids are too unsettled and don't want to see you, We will work out proper arrangements. But regardless the spare room is not appropriate now'

GilbertMarkham · 27/10/2020 08:47

This is after he has text the kids each day and they have said they do not want to see him.

"You need to have some respect for your kids wishes; you've already shocked and devastated then enough with your little speech to them .... Try to have the tiniest modicum of respect and consideration for them"

He's trying to weasle his way back in (and perhaps his welcome at his mum's house is starting to wear a little bit thin). It'll be one night, then more.

Incidentally if it's half his house, he can force the issue, can't he. Let's hope he doesn't.

GilbertMarkham · 27/10/2020 08:51

But I suppose the much more measured and unemotional "that would be inappropriate" is better!

LittleEsme · 27/10/2020 08:58

Hope you see your solicitor today OP.

You've had some good suggestions here - use what suits you. He's trying to inch back into his territory. Utter bastard.

crosshatching · 27/10/2020 09:01

You are doing so well OP, just on the waking at 2am thing, you could try taking an old-fashioned Piriton at bedtime. It's the older antihistamine that makes you feel sleepy and it's often just enough to help you sleep through. You need your rest as much as you can right now.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 27/10/2020 09:05

At no point has he shown any empathy or sympathy for YOU. Or desire to be with you or regret he's left you. It's not you he wants - it's the kids. You have been well and truly cast aside for someone who made him feel like the hero in his own story. Like they admired and adored him and saw him as this fantastic wonderful man and he's got carried away with that and believes the hype.

He thinks he lives in the rental. Sees the kids 50/50 and after a 'decent' period of time elapses introduces them to the OW (who has been told you are a boring, sexless shrew) And its all great. He gets to be happy and see his kids loads but not for the boring bits like dentists appts etc and eventually everyone will forget you exist. Gets to be with her. And you can just do whatever it is that boring ex wives you no longer want (therefore no one else does) do. Like take up crochet or whatever.

That's his plan and you constantly talking about OW has scuppered it somewhat. People have been quick to defend him, oh no he's not that kind of man! But he is and he knows it. And it's brought it to peoples attention so it is a lot harder to just suddenly 'meet' this shiny new woman. He has to back off for a while as his precious reputation will be shattered.

He won't engage in conversations about it. Because he's got the perfect right to leave you as he's no longer in love but they are his children too and do he has the right to spend time with them and they will understand eventually.

That's what is in his mind. All you can do now is look after you. If he wants contact you facilitate that but you make it convenient for YOU. And that means no fucking spare room!

You have split up and that takes dealing with but I promise you he wasn't the happy husband you thought, far from it. The second someone came along that made him feel sexy and like a hero he went and even if he wants to come back hes doing it purely for a nice house, his kids, and to have the convenience of being looked after.

You do not have to make his life anything - you have your own broken heart and those of your kids to deal with. He will do anything to make it up to them but you personally will get nothing out of him. So as with all break ups you need to have no direct contact and certainly not spend time with him.

Sunshineandflipflops · 27/10/2020 09:07

Just wanted to say - i think it's good to see a solicitor initially as soon as you can (I did this too to get some basic advice). However you don't have to rush into divorce proceedings if you don't want to and/or are not ready. I know a lot of people will tell you you should do it straight away but that's not the only way.

My ex-husband and I have been separated almost 3 years now following his affair. We are not yet divorced or even on the way to but we are also not longer husband and wife in any sense of the words other than legally. It helps that we have got to a point where we are amicable and that he had remained a good dad at least but financially, it pays for me to stay as we are (me and the kids in the family home and him in a rented property) than to start divorce proceedings and potentially lose the house in the process. I can't afford to buy a suitable property on my salary alone and I don't want the kids to have to leave their home.

I do understand that not all separations are as amicable but its only this way because I have tried bloody hard. Being 'nice' to him was the hardest thing I have done in the aftermath of his affair but I did it for the children's sake to start with and then realised that it hurt me less to be civil with him than to hate him.

I hope you are holding up ok. Looking back, those first few weeks were all a blur of just getting up, painting a face on and getting on with it.

timetest · 27/10/2020 09:40

Just seen the update. Absolutely not, no way do you let him use the spare room. I agree a measured response like “it’s not appropriate”, is the best response. It’s not your job to make this easy for him. Sounds like his mum has had enough of him too.

buckeejit · 27/10/2020 09:51

Ffs. No you can't stay in the spare room. The children don't want to see you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/10/2020 10:10

Oh dear lord, talk about death by a thousand cuts!

So he walks out on you, knowing you still love him and still want him around. And then he wants to hang around in the house? Presumably still thinking (even though you are being wonderfully strong and determined) that you love him? In what way is that a good and respectful way to treat someone you are separating from?

Although we all know that he thinks if he can get back in the spare room he can work his way back into the household...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/10/2020 10:15

Agree with the "no, that's not appropriate" response.

But also, doesn't his mum live really close? Why doesn't he stay with her still? The DC don't want to see him, he needs to respect that - they're hurting, he's hurt THEM too with his selfish ways! He doesn't get to dictate what everyone has to put up with just because he wants it!

He's so bloody arrogant.

Requinblanc · 27/10/2020 10:19

I don't think there is a 'perfect world' or a 'typically perfect' family'...

Someone can seem to 'have it all' on the surface and still be deeply unhappy and want something else.

It was perfect for you but not for him...and it is likely there is nothing you could have done to 'fix' it. You simply can't control how someone else's feel.

At this point your priority should be to take care of yourself and your kids. Make sure he keeps his responsibilities towards them and does not leave you with financial issues and don't let him paint you as the 'bad guy', he is the one leaving and needs to face his responsibilities.

VodselForDinner · 27/10/2020 10:19

Be very careful with your wording here because something as innocuous as “sorry, but I don’t want you to stay in the spare room” will become “she apologised and said she wouldn’t let me into the house” in his narrative.

Grey rock is the way to go here- google it if you’re not familiar.

The “that would not be appropriate” response suggested above is a good one. Keep repeating it each time he comes back with a different version of the same request.

Original poster
WTFis2020 · 27/10/2020 10:24

He is now staying he has every right to move into the spare room as he pays the bills. He has said he will now be contacting a solicitor before he signs anything over as I am playing games. I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry.

OP posts: