17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

I wish I had done what you are doing . I delayed and now regret it so much. The delay meant my circumstances changed and then pandemic hit and we are stuck.
Also , while he was feeling guilty, I know I could have got a great settlement. Now if using a solicitor will probably urge him to get more.

I think you are handling this so well . Anger is a great motivation. But don't bother with FB , no need to make a public announcement about your private business.

Please don't make the announcement public. Dignified silence all the way. Good luck with your solicitor appt.

Agreed re social media. When they go low, you go high.

Maintain your dignity and confide in your close friends. Stick to facts - his cruelty towards your DC is painful to hear. Your close friends can quietly alert those who count and you can maintain the silence. Stay away from all social media, no matter what may start coming your way.

Your power is your silence.
See the solicitor with your written sheet of facts and figures.

Buy a really good book for evenings when it's quiet and you need distractions.

Keep going OP.

Currently reading ‘Runaway Husbands’ as some of you have suggested. Thank you x

Also agree re. keeping it off social media.
Absolutely no need to make any kind of announcement until the separation is formalised, and not even then unless you really want to - but I'd stick to just changing your relationship status, not making an actual post about it!

No one is "entitled" to a status update from you about your life.
Remember too: Those Who Mind Don't Matter, and Those Who Matter Don't Mind
So the ones who whinge about not being in the know are unimportant, and the ones who understand are the ones you keep close.

So he's trying to slither his way back in via texting?

My guess OW is appalled he's left you - that wasn't in the plan.

Yeah, I would also agree about not posting a social media post. Someone I know did that recently when her husband left her. She sounded quite unhinged (probably through grief) and I know a few people who kind of felt 'well, now we know why he left her!'. Her aim was clearly to get everyone on her side and make him look like a loser but she just made herself look very undignified. I wouldn't recommend it.

You’re playing a blinder, OP.

Stay angry.

I would maintain a dignified silence on social media and tell others that are important to you by phone/text/email when you're ready.

So the solicitor has postponed until tomorrow as she went home unwell 😭 This has really upset me as I wanted to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible.

What do I do about the Mother in Law? She is devestated, wants to be here for me forever but believes her son would not see another woman. Do I keep her on side for future use or tell her where to go too? X

I wouldn't sack off the MIL just yet. It's not her fault your DH is a twod and she seems to sympathise. I would probably keep her on side but bear in mind that her allegiance will likely be with her son in the long run (even if she doesn't agree with him. Blood is thicker than all that)

My grandmother sided with my Dad when he cheated on my Mum which she never forgave her for. I'd like to think if my adult son behaved the way my Dad did... there is no way I'd take him in and support him. Mothers seem to have blinders on when it comes to their sons.

I’d not do anything about the MIL for a while. Keep her at a polite distance, but don’t feed her information.

Blood is thicker than water so, no matter how good and supportive she is now, you might see that that changes regardless of what truths come out about her golden boy.

Definitely keep off FB.

Tell people directly.
Tell your MIL that you need space at the moment as you support your devastated children.

Do not expect her to keep your confidences, so only say what you want to get back to him.

Good luck with the solicitor.

Totally agree with billy.

Lee her at arm's length & day what you want to get back to him. You're doing great, stay strong. Don't mention solicitor to anyone in his camp.

Say to MIL: ‘remember this moment, remember what he is putting your grandchildren through and then understand why I will never, ever trust him again’.

Sounds like mil is trying to support you both, though it won't feel like that. My ex fil stayed out of the marriage breakdown for a couple of months then took ex's side.

I would keep the mil on side, obviously things will be stained could be easier if your dc want to see her.

Good luck with solicitors visit tmrw

Just to add to @TeeBee’s comment. I have a friend who posted and talked in-person about her now-ex and it did push some people away. I know she was v. hurt and upset, but the earlier advice to stay calm and dignified is the best approach. Don’t post anything yet.💐

Keep her onside but don't slag him off, give her facts, also don't tell her anything you don't want to get back to him. Don't trust her for a second tho.

I wouldn't announce anything on fb, those sorts of posts always make me feel a bit ick. Tell your close family and friends in private, tell a few gossips, the drama hunters will come out the woodwork in no time. But be factual with people you don't know too well, painting him as the bad guy often back fires, so I'd remain dignified and leave the slagging off in private with people you trust ( and mn of course)

I have almost finished ‘Runaway Husband’. Are there any further book recommendations? X

I would agree with other people here about not posting anything on FB at the moment. You could say something that you later regret or people could think no wonder it happened after what she said about him on FB.

I would also just say hello to your mil but not chat to her about your plans.
Tell your close friends what's going on as they can support you. Keep quiet as well about going to a solicitor to your children and mil because you don't want your husband finding out.
Make out a list of questions to ask the solicitor and gather up all your paperwork. I would also take copies of everything and give them to a friend to keep.
You have been playing it so well up to now so just keep this up.
I know it not easy to deal with all that has happened but believe me it will get better.

I watched a friend of mine been put through a horrible time by a man she loved a few years ago. He decided that the grass was greaner elsewhere. His new lady friend was pregnant with in a few months of meeting him. Then had a house in a nice area, money, a decent job and a good car.
It's now a few years later.
My friend told me recently that she got an update on her ex from someone they both know who's in contact with him.
He sold his house to move to a cheaper area but put a good spin on why he was doing this. He is looking hard for a new job as his current company are not doing well due to covid and moved to them less than 2 years ago. He is now driving a car that years old. Along with this he now has a number of health issues due to not following medical advice.
He is still living with the mother of his child but won't marry her. Meanwhile he is chasing another woman at the moment but she won't get involved with him due to the child.

My friend meanwhile is single but happy. Her own personal situation is far better than his. In time she will get a six figure inheritance that her ex has no idea about. Her family had already given her something valuable. She was planning to tell her ex about the inheritance until he went off with his new lady friend. She told me it was so hard when he rejected me for her but I am glad now not to be dealing with him and his issues.

@WTFis2020

So the solicitor has postponed until tomorrow as she went home unwell 😭 This has really upset me as I wanted to get the ball rolling as quickly as possible.

What do I do about the Mother in Law? She is devestated, wants to be here for me forever but believes her son would not see another woman. Do I keep her on side for future use or tell her where to go too? X

Your mother in law is her own person, she's not someone to keep on side to be used, or someone to be told where to go.

In this situation with my ex (granted, no children, and not married) I visited my ex's mother one final time out of respect for the relationship I had with her and my ex's extended family. I answered her questions to the best of my ability and when she asked why my ex couldn't come back to our house I just said 'If X has somewhere else they can stay, they should stay there'. I was not in a position to confirm any other relationship although I knew in my heart that is what was happening, and well yes, the truth came out soon enough.

I was gutted to lose her and the rest of my ex's family, but there was nothing else to be done; I couldn't prolong my pain and attachment by maintaining contact, and my ex's family would of course have stuck by them.

Your situation will be different because of the children/ grandchildren, but I would really just stick to the facts as you know them. Don't try to swing the situation - you already know how you want to handle this; there is nothing to be gained by trying to manipulatively sway opinion, the truth and the facts will in time make everything clear without any further additions on your part. Keep your dignity.

As everyone else has said, keep a cool distance from MIL but don't cut her off.

She's still your kids' grandmother, and she wants to keep in contact with them too, I'm sure.

But yes, don't tell her ANYTHING you wouldn't want getting back to your husband - because her first loyalty will be to him, however lovely and devastated she is. If she asks any probing questions then deflect them - she has no right to know anything.

Also I think I'd keep her out of your home if you can - see her on neutral ground, let her see the DC at her house, but you don't want her inside YOUR house in case she goes ferreting around looking at post, what you've changed, etc.

My dad bought me the "Women who love too much" book after my fiancé left me. I'm not sure it is exactly the right book for the circumstance, because it's more about being in a destructive relationship and why we do that - but it does have pointers in terms of how to break the pattern of loving someone who doesn't deserve it or return your love appropriately, so it might be worth a go.

I think you must be doing well OP as you aren't up posting in the middle of the night!

Good luck today at the solicitors.

@footprintsintheslow awake since 2am 🤢🤢. Night times are the worst - always tempted to do potentially dangerous stuff but have refrained so far.

You’re being so strong OP. Can you find a book or something to do to distract you? I bet nights at the worst or early mornings.