17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

@WTFis2020

You guys are the best ❤️ I honestly feel like I’m going mad though. Like officially losing the plot. It’s been almost a week now that I’ve climbed the walls with no answers and I think ‘is it me’, ‘am I being hasty in getting a solicitor’. I feel like I’m questioning all of my actions as if somehow this is my fault. Head is fried.

No you're not being hasty.

There's a long road between seeing a solicitor and understanding what you're entitled to, what the process is and getting your ducks in a row and actioning anything irreversible.

It's not you. This is all in him.

You've been together 17(?) years and married only 3 years ago.

He can't claim he didn't know who he was marrying, nor can he claim he's been unhappy for years - I'm assuming you didn't force him to wed at gun point .

You say you've had a tough time recently with your DM being unwell.

If you want my best guess I think he's secretly been resentful that he hasn't been your main focus whilst you've been supporting your DM - because he's fundamentally a selfish prick.

You haven't known he was a selfish prick because until recently you've been a great partner/wife and probably put him first in a lot of ways and rather than support you when you needed it he's wallowed in the mentality of "what about me" and sought out someone else to stroke both his overinflated ego and manhood.

A lot of posters on here have relayed how their exes did this repeatedly before leaving or being thrown out for good.

Now that he's made a (shocking) start to this, it may well be the case with him too.

It's therefore very wise that you find out where you stand and how you'd move forward to best protect yourself and your kids.

Oh OP . If anyone has been hasty it’s your DH. He threw his family away in a two minute conversation and walked out the door.

@LightDrizzle my Dad did this. Not so much with my brother as he was younger but with me.

I'd go home and beg my Mum to let him come home as he'd go on and on at me. She did take him back and I feel bad now as she definitely shouldn't have.

In the end she did see the light thankfully and by then I was 13 and wise to my Dads behaviour and was glad to see the back of him too!

One of my best friends had a very rapid reaction to her husband cheating on her. She threw him out immediately and started divorce proceedings. Got the house put into her name, got a good financial settlement (he paid for her solicitor in the settlement) and got on with it.

His affair lasted 8 whole weeks.

She didn't take him back - but they started going places as a family (one child) again, and going on holiday as a family again... and slowly they ended up together again. And then, THEN the fucker did it again.

That was it for her - game over, no more chances. She regretted giving him that first chance. They're still amicable, to a point, but there's zero chance of them ever being together as a couple again.

There may be cases of men having "temporary confusion" and then never straying again ever - but I think they're very much in the minority!

So sorry you are going through this. He will regret this in the long run. You on the other hand, won't. Very best of luck with everything

Bluff it out of him. Say "I know about her. No more pretending. I know. And I think it's revolting" and I'm sure there's cleverer ways to bluff (also tired). Say it then be quiet for as long as it takes for him to start speaking. Keep quiet and as his discomfort grows he will start saying things he regrets.

Then let him spill the beans. Said with enough confidence (or even over text) it will absolutely fuck him up. He won't admit anything probably but you will really set the cat amongst the pigeons. Or he might admit it. He might try to find out how much you know and of course that in itself is an admission of guilt. He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer so anything you can throw in here, if you can get to his phone bills, or social media, or just anything you can find out. There must be clues somewhere.

If you can afford it I'd be inclined to get a PI onto it. Just for your own peace of mind. I feel like this is something you need clarity on if only so he doesn't get to fuck you about with silly games.

And 5.5lbs in a week! You'll be driving a shiny new model before you know it. But this time get a smarter one.

Please try and see a solicitor, or at least speak with one. It's half term so yes it's difficult but you need help that you can't get off a messageboard. Before any call or meeting have all the facts in front of you - key dates, salaries, property values, everything.

As you probably know, his behaviour won't really affect any settlement - this will be done with the needs of the children and a reflection of who has invested what - including time spent raising children - into the marriage.

Good luck.

Definitely see a solicitor. Even if you decide to take him back you have some understanding of where you stand. Wishing you the best.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl - I tried that tactic, just before he left. That’s when he chose to remain silent for two days. It’s usually the guilty ones in a police interview suite who say ‘no comment’ isn’t it 😉.

Call booked with a solicitor today - the best in the area. He has left all bank statements here, so I have proof of income etc.
Obviously his brains are in his pants.

Slept better last night too, hopefully it’s a sign that I’m coping.
Thank you everyone x

Good luck with your appointment

Hurrah for better sleep!

Now further benefit of my (our) experience - you're not likely to go in a straight line in terms of mood - you'll have better days and nights, and then suddenly a bad one will hit you again. But I guarantee that the better days will become more frequent, and the bad days will become farther and farther apart.

Prep a list of questions for SHL, cut to the essential, in this instance this is not the pain that he has dealt out.
You want concrete finance info, ie. how not to be screed over to make the absolute maximum Protect your home if you envisage staying....etc. Pension, Savings
Expected child arrangements
You will need to know what % you have paid for. your interrupted career etc.

Good luck with the solicitor appointment

Before I met with my solicitor I made a two page word document that outlined our financial details - house value, mortgage, salaries, length of relationship, children’s ages etc with a list of my questions. I didn’t get a free appointment- none were available in my area - so I got the most I could with the time and it was purely ‘business focused’ and unemotional- ie I didn’t spend money on someone listening to me slagging off my husband. If you have time you might want to do this.

Good luck. I have been where you are and two years later my life is now a million times better than it was with him. Dc are happy too.

Rarely post but can I just say act now while his brain is full of mush.
I did and I got my house for a small settlement as he was full of his new life and guilt.
I'm 54 now and I have a secure life and future for myself and my kids.
I'm so glad I didn't wait to act or he'd have become the twatty self obsessed knob head he is now and I'd have nothing.
Good luck.

Make sure it's written in there that his new girlfriend can't have contact with your children for a year. Hex can't get pissed off without admitting it.,

But yes that silence says it all. Make sure you let people know - he's too likely to pretend it's all you otherwise.

Do what @stealthninjamummy says, brilliant advice.

I feel I need the separation agreement signed before I tell the world.
I’ve prepped a dignified Facebook post but not sure he’s worth the effort. I just want to make sure those people I thought were important to him know the true story

I hope the solicitors appointment goes well.

About the Facebook post - don’t get drawn into playing his game. Image management might be the most important thing to him but it’s not to you.

Your priorities should be yourself, your kids and finance. Strike now on these while he’s still feeling guilty.

And yes its all part of the script. He’s confused because he expected you to do the Pick Me Dance.

I think he probably does want to come back and that this was a tactic to renegotiate and make himself more powerful in the marriage. He wanted you to know how HORRENDOUS life would be be without him and why you must work MUCH HARDER to keep him happy 100% of the time and never complain about anything.

Alternately there is indeed an OW who isn’t ready to leave her life for him.

@WTFis2020 I’m not sure you need to announce your separation on Facebook. It might come across that you’re airing dirty laundry, however dignified your statement may be. Just let mutual friends and family
know as and when you see them.

@stealthninjamummy

Before I met with my solicitor I made a two page word document that outlined our financial details - house value, mortgage, salaries, length of relationship, children’s ages etc with a list of my questions. I didn’t get a free appointment- none were available in my area - so I got the most I could with the time and it was purely ‘business focused’ and unemotional- ie I didn’t spend money on someone listening to me slagging off my husband. If you have time you might want to do this.

Good luck. I have been where you are and two years later my life is now a million times better than it was with him. Dc are happy too.

Make that time with the solicitor count.

You are doing great.

Definitely do NOT allow him to rewrite history.

His behaviour towards you is awful BUT his treatment of his children is utterly brutal and merciless..........to treat them so callously needs to be widely circulated.

It needs to be given as the main reason you will never take him back.....

Don't allow him to try and manipulate the narrative.

How he treated his children is chilling.

Keeping your emotions to a minimum and focusing on his appalling treatment of his children, will be the most devastating to his "reputation".

Stay strong, you are doing so well.

Agree. Let the people who matter know that he told his mother he didn't love you, that you weren't on the ''same page'' and that he told the children he was leaving you and left.

Because before too long the script will be that you're a cold hearted family wrecker who won't overlook his little wobble.

Sorry if that sounds depressing but be honest with the people who matter and don't protect him.

I agree with saying nothing about him or the split until the financials are signed and delivered. Once his reputation is trashed he might as well go all out to snatch back every bit of equity etc that he can. Keep your powder dry! And the best of luck to you, you are being so clear-headed.

@OwlOne ‘ Because before too long the script will be that you're a cold hearted family wrecker who won't overlook his little wobble’

So true! I can already see little signs of that appearing!