17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

You don’t owe him a response - so leave any unnecessary texts unanswered.

He wants to think you and your emotions are available as they always were. Make sure he knows that is not the case.

100% game playing. He isn't thinking about you at all - he's just planning ahead for a script that suits him.

Hang tight WTF. Remember he dropped this bomb on your DC too. He doesn't get to drive this situation now.

I totally agree with all the posters saying ignore the texts. This was the best action after my initial anger outburst when my ex was thrown out by me after confessing to a 2yr affair. I made sure I got the door keys back before throwing him
out.

Ignoring him made me feel steps ahead of him.

Since whoever turned his head/ the OW isn’t going to drop everything and shack up with him; his “loveless” marriage and comfy domestic arrangements look a lot less bleak than living alone.

He knows he’s got to eat humble pie for a bit but is confident his legs will be back under the table very soon. No damage done.

Warn him not to dump on your children. It’s not appropriate for either of you to confide in them. Tell him you won’t probe them about their time with him; badmouth him; or burden them with your decisions, and you expect him to do the same.

He may well try to enlist the children into lobbying for his return and paint you as the bad guy if you don’t cave. He realised he would miss them too much ..... he’s not sure their mum will ever be able to forgive him, he was very silly and made a mistake but he just wants a chance to make it up to you all and be a happy family again.

Good luck with everything, you must be shattered and on high alert all at the same time. I hope you have real life support.

Too late, I’ve text him asking me to leave me alone, that he has caused enough distress. Couldn’t help myself. Will remain strong and focussed for the rest of the day.

Nothing wrong in saying that to him OP.

In fact I think it's a good thing to make him realise that sending a few texts isn't a recipe for forgiveness.

Definitely read the chump lady link below and also the other chump lady article on "the pick me dance" (the latter is linked up to the cake theory article so easy to find).

As to why he's doing it - he's trying to keep his options open.

Don't assume it's all gone tits up with the OW. That may be the case, but it's just as likely he's trying to keep you sweet in case it doesn't work out in the future.

Same in the instance there is no OW (but I think this is unlikely from what you've posted). He is just hedging his bets in case single life gets a bit boring.

Like I said be very careful. If he anything like my ex, (unfortunately men who pull stunts like that tend to be cracked out of the same egg) he will be at his happiest when you're on your knees and he will use the kids to do this. Mine used to big up the kids, buy expensive presents when there was no occasion to do it, then drop them for a while, saying that seeing them was too painful. . He would encourage them in wild behavior and say I'd lost control of them. He was cruel to a level that I would never have dreamt he could be. I think the loss of control removed all logical thought because he did do some crazy things during this period. One example was, he broke into the house in the middle of the night dragged me out of the bed by my big toe and pulled it into the air so I was like a crab. Then whispered he was going to ask me a question and would know if i was lying, if I lied he would kill me. This went on for a little while, back and forth, then he asked the question. "Are you a lesbian" "What" I replied, he asked again. Because I won't take you back the only answer is another woman? "Yes" he said "Is it Sue"? (a neighbor ) I replied "Yes and it's not just Sue, it's all the women, once the kids are in school we fuck like rabbits"
"Is that true"? he asked. "Are you seriously this fucking crazy" he left with out another word. He also told the kids at one point that he had terminal cancer! You won't believe what he may turn into. Keep communication open with the kids, be as calm as still water. Even when the kids ask you if it's true that you had sex in the car one night with a work colleague outside the house. Just shrug and say "No pet, I don't know why your dad said that but it's not true" Never ever get angry in their presence about their dad. Make it clear your priority is them and only them, and that you wish good things for their dad. I told them it's not their job to be worrying about us, it's enough getting by in kids world and that's what they should concern themselves with, not us! It worked most of the time.

Good on you. Stay strong OP. x

@saracorona I’m sorry but your story has just brought a huge laugh/snort to my tear stained face x

@WTFis2020

Too late, I’ve text him asking me to leave me alone, that he has caused enough distress. Couldn’t help myself. Will remain strong and focussed for the rest of the day.

Good for you. Even though you are handling this so well, it will be less painful more quickly if you detach from him by reducing the communication to almost zero.

But he wants to be Freeeeee, and he wants a family. Seems v reasonable to him.

Sounds like be a great plan👍

I also don't think there's anything wrong with that text. You've asked him to leave you alone - let's see how much he respects that request now.

@saracorona - your ex sounds actually deranged - how terrifying for you!

Another here who thinks that was a very good text. Short, to the point and not playing his “let’s pretend everything’s fine after all game”.

Gosh OP you are so strong. Just wanted to say bravo on how you are handling this.

I suspect his OW isn't prepared to leave her own DH she is cheating on.

@saracorona Jesus, that's terrifying. Hope you're ok now & dc too ☹️

OP you're doing great. I am a fan of the appearing happy route but also he clearly needs the honesty of 'you've been wrong'. Can't believe he was texting you updates from the game. I'd be interested to know how men think their lives & their families are going to play out after they walk out. Nuts

Hats off to you @WTFis2020 you are handling this absolutely amazingly 💃🏻

I am in awe of your strength.

Please keep Updating. Watching this thread. You are a incredibly strong woman. Well done OP.

My dad had a affair told people he was confused wasn't sure who he wanted my mom made that decision for him. OP he has to have another woman no one walks out for nothing and I'm shocked how quick he was to tell your children. Other woman doesn't want him or he's realised he doesn't want her. You sound way to good for him he sounds weak and pathetic.

for you OP...what a awful time for you but things will get better for you without this loser x

I’ve just read your thread. I’m sorry for the heartbreak you’re suffering OP, but I must say I think you are brilliant, so strong and grounded despite everything. Go you. Now he’s realising what he has carelessly chucked away. Tough, you show him how
strong you are lady, you are more than a match for his shit.
Altogether now...R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P- etc etc X

[quote WTFis2020]@Michellebops 5.5lb loss, couldn’t face staying for class - I’m deffo winner of the week, who cares about slimmer 😉 x[/quote]
Good on you x

You guys are the best ❤️
I honestly feel like I’m going mad though. Like officially losing the plot. It’s been almost a week now that I’ve climbed the walls with no answers and I think ‘is it me’, ‘am I being hasty in getting a solicitor’. I feel like I’m questioning all of my actions as if somehow this is my fault. Head is fried.

This is not your fault, it’s not you and seeing a solicitor is a sensible step. Stay strong.

If you're considering taking him back getting a solicitor is hasty. Otherwise not. Did he not say he thought he was being 'hasty?' Are you mirroring him?

It's wise to see a solicitor to find out what your options are. Even if you reconcile in the future, (or not) you'll know where you stand. Best to have your ducks in a row.