17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

WTF you are incredibly strong. I really admire you. Sending a hand hold and a stern "make sure you eat and drink to keep your strength up."

Your body is feeling from the shock, even if you have a mind of steel. Keep to your plans for today and take over his stuff.

Has his Mum been in touch?

Just offering a hand hold. Stay strong and you'll come out of this just fine.

Hoping you did win slimmer of the week?

[quote WTFis2020]@PatchworkElmer he has texted suggesting he takes my youngest to his football game.
I have ignored so far but think I will agree. Then whilst he’s out, I’ll drop his remaining belongings (8 bin liners) at his Mums.
I feel like that would cleanse my soul 😊[/quote]
I like your thinking there.

I think the appropriate reply is a row of laughing emoji's.

What an absolute bastard.

(I mean to the think I've jumped the gun text).

As long as youngest is happy to be taken to football by him. Go for it. 💐

You're doing amazingly well OP.
Stay strong and keep going.

Be careful, he may not know what he wants but is willing to drag you all into the maelstrom while he figures it out. I had six months of him leaving and returning. Different excuses but no women named so maybe it really was my fault. Each time he returned he was worse in his attitude towards me until I said no. At this point he had been gone two weeks, I stopped him at the door and told him "No, you're not coming in" the kids were playing in the street. Obviously an argument ensued, an audience of neighbors and kids starting gathering and he told the kids I was throwing him out! After that it was pure bitterness; from him! Chaos ensued for about three years. He told unbelievable stories about me and it caused arguments amongst our kids about me.
That was 25 years ago. It took a year before it emerged that he was having an affair with the wives of two friends! The couple who had kids stayed together, the other couple split up. He strung her along for about ten years, often blaming her for his marriage breakdown. The kids liked her and would comfort her; nuts!.
Did it mess the kids up, yes totally! Are they okay now; yes mostly! Do any of them have a relationship with him now? The boys are indifferent and treat him like stranger, the girl used to be very bitter but has gained a sense of humor about some of it. None have seen him since the last family funeral three years ago. He spoke to the most laid back of the kids to try and gain some sympathy. The boy told him, that he didn't think he was a real person, because of the lies and manipulations no one knew he was and no one would ever know so there's no point but wished him luck. Btw, so far to my knowledge, the boys appear to love being married and being dads. They are really good dads. The girl struggled more and has had a lot of affairs. She admitted that she likes the attention of early days love bombing, then gets bored. She admits she has no romantic love for any adults ( she is bisexual) but has in her head an idealized happy family. Therefore she did marry, she says she likes and respects him which is more important to her than romantic love. They have three kids and everything she does, is for the kids, cousins included. She is the one who always arranges birthdays and Christmas for everyone. She is very thoughtful in that way.
I never denigrated their dad, I tried at all times to remain calm and stuck with facts as much as I could. I would let loose only with my sisters and after making sure it was only us. The kids say, I was the rock, the only space that was consistent. They felt guilt over their dad because he was so obviously unhappy but came to see it as manipulation.
There may be no perfect ending to this, there may be pieces to pick up but it is life and it is a work in progress.

@Michellebops 5.5lb loss, couldn’t face staying for class - I’m deffo winner of the week, who cares about slimmer 😉 x

OP, you are amazing - stay strong

Definitely take his stuff to his mums.

If you are considering taking him back he needs to stay at his mums for a while, regardless. And he definitely needs to have some counselling to face up to what he has done to his own children as well as you.

Beware of what he might say to DS2.
ex. "Mummy has been difficult, I was feeling sad, I want to come home but she won't let me"

@saracorona what is life? If only men stopped and thought about the devastating domino effect this has on not just the wife but the whole family. I truly believe we could have worked through anything, but not this - it’s so final.
I hope I can retain my dignity and keep my kids on track the way you have done xx

Is it part of the script to ask for forgiveness and to try again 🤷🏻‍♀️🤯🤣????

I borrowed my Dad's collection of Agatha Christie books (nearly all of them!) and ploughed through them all in the first 2 weeks. Somehow all those murders seemed to ease my pain...

But yeah, it IS very hard. And one of the hardest parts is the remembering when you wake up - you forget initially, and as you become more conscious you remember and BAM.

For me, the first 4 weeks were a killer - I didn't have kids, but I had dependent pets who needed to be fed, or I might have spent most of it in bed! I took a week off work because I just couldn't concentrate, so it was safer for all concerned if I wasn't there.

When you have kids though, you have to be more "switched on" more of the time, so your downtimes are the only time you have to acknowledge what is going on with you as a person - so yeah, when the kids are in bed is the time that's going to happen.

and stay strong - or, as we often say in these situations - keep on keeping on.

I had 5 years of my ex husband wanting to leave, leaving and coming back. The last time I absolutely shut the door on him, still he wanted to come back and was appalled when I wouldn't let him.
But I was sick of being fucked about.
The cold, cold way your H treated you and the children means you should never have him back, he has made a mockery of your long marriage and your happiness and there will be a next time and a next time.

Wow. So is he back on the same page as you now!?

I think it's part of the script to want to KNOW that it is he that has the option to come back to you.

Your confused him by taking him at his word that he wasn't happy, that you weren't on the same page etc....

It was not part of his script for you that you were strong enough to accept that.

Yes get his stuff over to his mum's quickly.

At the moment, even his mum will grasp that a few days ago he told you you were on different pages, he wasn't happy, that he chose to leave............ get the stuff over to his mum's while she's digesting that.

In a few weeks the script will have changed and his mum will be thinking that you're very cold and unforgiving not to understand his middle-aged wobble and let him back in to his family. The script will change. YOU will be the one tearing the family apart in three weeks time, so be clear about what happened when you bring his stuff over to his mum's.

I don't know that it is part of the script - some never ask to come back - but it rather shows you that he views you and the kids as something he can put down and pick up any time he chooses, rather than people in your own right with feelings etc.

Arrogant fucker. You are not his belongings.

i agree - let him take the younger boy to his football game IF DS agrees, and use the time to take the stuff to his mum's. Also try not to see him if you can avoid it - don't let him emotionally blackmail you. You will get no comfort from seeing him.

"Well Ds/friends/co-workers I DID try and save the marriage, I asked, nay BEGGED, her to try but she said no (Daily Mail sad face) what more could I do??"

He is starting the rewriting already

If he has asked for forgiveness, tell him to stop asking for anything from you, he has no right. You are entitled to some time to process this without him making any requests from you

Yes. It is part of the script.

He’s moved into the next phase where the cheating partner suddenly “commits” to the marriage, “I’ve made a mistake. Bla bla bla.”

Only for a few days later to retreat and be vague. “I’m confused, I need time to think. Bla bla bla.”

Don’t engage in any of this bullshit. Read Chump Lady’s article on The Unified Theory of Cake.

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Be strong OP

Get his stuff round to his mum's. Tell her EXACTLY what happened, how he devastated you with this completely out of the blue, how he crushed his kids with barely 2 minutes of his time.

Let the fucker be miserable

Excess baggage dropped off. He’s currently texting me score updates of my sons game. Who even is he? 🤯
Theory 1 - keep her dangling until I’m ready to leave
Theory 2 - make out she was being unreasonable/wouldn’t have me back/she ended it

Just blank him; he's trying to engage you with the children. Appear all bouncy and happy when he drops DS off and just distracted with something better you have to do. Trust me, this will seriously fuck him off. 'Happiness is the best revenge' is the truest statement ever.

Well done on dropping the stuff off. Just be ready for a reaction when he gets back to his mum's and sees the binbags. Don't engage if you don't want to.

He's definitely in bet hedging territory at the moment!