17 years and my husband has walked out

[WTFis2020]

Hi all,
I need advice and will try and keep this short.
I’ve been with my husband for 17 years, married for 3, with 2 kids. We have the perfect world, no arguments, a beautiful house and holidays. We are the typical perfect family.
I’ve had a difficult year this year with my mum being critically ill, my usually loving husband has been a bit ‘off’ and my gut has told me there’s someone else. He’s constantly on his phone, the occasional night out he’s had hasn’t made sense etc.
So I flipped the other day and accused him of all sorts, he denied then went silent for 2 days. Upon trying to talk to him on day 3 he’s now claiming we apparently want different things and he should leave! He has told the kids in a 2 minute conversation and we are all shocked to the core.
I feel like he has been taken over by an alien or has a brain parasite 🙈.
Please help me to make sense of this all

I’m still here guys 🙋🏻‍♀️, still remaining silent 🤐 x

WTF - would you say that your husband’s idea of himself as straight and a good person is key to his identity? It was to my ex.
I wonder whether that night when you “accused him of all sorts” - and almost certainly hit the nail on the head, prompted him to “stop living a lie” and moving out was the first step, however due to risk to his reputation he was indeed planning to keep the OW under wraps and present her as a new post-breakup relationship down the road.
Unfortunately for him, when he dropped his newfound liberty at OW’s feet like a cat with a dead bird, she back tracked. A lot of men think they are quite the prize and it obviously didn’t occur to him that the intense “If only we didn’t have to make do with snatched evenings. Imagine being able to go away together, spend every day together.,.” exchanges didn’t mean she wanted him on her doorstep to contend with for the rest of her life. She probably hasn’t binned him completely, it will be more like: -“the children are growing up, it’s such a difficult age for them, we just have to be patient...once they leave home, we can be together without hurting them...
Of course that suits him because once the children are independent no CMS, no housing needs that take them into account, he gets you rearing the children and sharing the housework for the duration; remains “lovely Mark” to friends and family; and when he finally leaves, he can say to people how he left briefly once before because the marriage was dead but couldn’t do it to you and the children. What a trouper!
Meanwhile you are both 8 years older and you’ve lost all that time you could have been building a new life.

The relationship that prompted him to leave may or may not last, but you can’t unsee what he is and what he was prepared to do.
You don’t tell your children unless you are certain there is no going back.

@LightDrizzle you are completely right ‘would you say that your husband’s idea of himself as straight and a good person is key to his identity?’ He is the typical family guy and 100% wouldn’t want to be seen as the bad guy.
I personally don’t think he’s had a full blown affair, I think he’s had his head turned and saw a potential new mate/life. But that’s enough for me. Even if there was no OW in any shape or form, even if this is a mental breakdown, how could I trust that he wouldn’t walk away after another 6 months? And when he’s said to his Mum that he no longer loves me, we’ll there’s no going back after that.

The thing that used to send my ex over the edge, and according to our daughter still does, is being confronted with one of his lies or acts of hypocrisy. He can’t cope with the cognitive dissonance because he is straight as a die you see. I suspect your husband couldn’t bear being on the receiving end of your accusations, because they were true and they were THINGS HE’D NEVER DO.

Maybe you should send him the response "sorry too late. I've been quick too. I've now instructed a divorce lawyer"

What a bellend!!! Family life is over for him.

Telling you he doesn't love you and telling your dc in a two minute conversation that your family life is over, he has totally mucked up.

Hats off to you WTF keep him at arms length and sweating.

Sorry if I have this wrong, it was a long thread with lots of good information. Did you say he was living with his mum across the street?

Is this revelation worthy of him getting off his bum, crossing the street and saying that to your face?

Potentially your marriage and more importantly your children being scarred for life is in the balance here and all he can do is whip off a text?

OW no OW midlife crisis concussion: BIN HIM

Good for you, stay strong. I've been single just over 3 years after he left....no great shakes as he was abusive for 20 years and it was a relief he had his head turned and off he fucked. Just got my settlement and awaiting papers to sign, I have big plans to start a 2nd business so when he starts being arsey next year about maintenance (2 DC's one turning 18 next years so he'll want to reduce it even though he earns 6 figures) I can say "no problem" because me and my kids will be comfortable. As far as I know he is still with OW who he met 5 months after he left so no affair - even though the twat had used his bankcard linked to our joint account to book into a hotel in the country she lives in a few weeks after he left, after telling me his boss had said he could spend the week at his as my ex "wasn't ready to come home and move out" . It's going to sting like a bitch for a while but you will get there like we all do. The first thing I did was buy new sheets, duvet cover etc, to me that made a world of difference. Get his shite he has left bagged uip and away to his mum's house pronto....and to add to the dig with his current having second thoughts, stick in a few of your wedding photos/kids christening's/birthdays etc

Thinking of you OP. You are doing great x

I have been following this thread all day and my heart goes out to you OP. For me it was many years ago that I found out my EX husband had been living half a week with another woman and half a week with me. He was such a good liar that the OW and myself had no clue. We were young and trusting and believed everything he said to us both. The hurt he caused and the trust he broke nearly sent me over the edge. To cut a long story short he begged,pleaded and swore undying love to me and our two young Sons and we stayed together. We had some great family times and holidays etc. and i felt I loved him so much that it was worth it. We stayed together for many years but I never really trusted him ever again and could not shake off the feeling that he stayed with me for all the wrong reasons and I could never feel the intimacy that we once shared. He was a great Dad and all our friends thought he truly loved me. I think he did but as I matured and our Sons grew up I found the strength to call it a day as I could never shake off the feeling of being 2nd best. I have since married again to a kind and gentle man who I trust 100%. My EX has never forgiven me for calling ''time'' and we have no communication. I suspect there may be a small part of you OP that wonders if you could get back together again and make it work? Please just ask yourself if you could truly EVER trust him again. My heart goes out to you as I will never forget the intense hurt I felt. You will recover .xx

Why are night times and early mornings the worst parts of the day 😭💔??

Hand hold WTFis.

I can recommend audio books/audio adaptations. Ideally of something you've already read and think of as "comfort reading."

Hope you manage to get some sleep.

Just catching up, you’re being so strong WTF. I’m sure you don’t feel it all the time, but you’re amazing.
Totally with you, worst time of the day. I can’t sleep and when I finally do, I’m awake 3 hours later.
I hope sleep come for you soon

@WTFis2020

Why are night times and early mornings the worst parts of the day 😭💔??

Simply because your brain isn't engaged in daily life.

You're not thinking about what to cook for dinner, the washing that needs doing, chatting with your children etc...

It's either all done for the day or you're waking up with a clean slate to start again.

Perhaps look up some calming videos on YouTube? There are lots designed to help you wind down and feel sleepy.

Other options at night when the kids are in bed is being kind to yourself - have a relaxing bath with some nice candles. Slap on a face mask - give yourself a bit of a home facial.

In the morning treat yourself to a nice breakfast. If you're struggling to eat try a smoothie - lots of vitamins and easy to swallow.

As a pp suggested I'd definitely treat yourself to some nice new bedding. Make the bed "yours". Fresh and comfy - go all out with new pillows/duvet/sheets/covers etc

Think about something you enjoy eg cooking in my case. When I left DP after BJgate I made a point of cooking lots of foods I'd always wanted to try and make but knew he would turn his nose up at.

Doesn't have to be cooking but you get the idea....

Watch films you like that he wouldn't want to watch.

In short and in tiny steps start finding small ways to enjoy your independence

I can recommend Alan Partridge From the Oasthouse on Audible

It is such early days OP, I remember being in a fog for quite some time just taking a day at a time.

I found podcasts helped at night. True crime & politics. The latter would always send me to sleep! Just having that background noise & something to listen to.

You’re being so brave.

@WTFis2020

Why are night times and early mornings the worst parts of the day 😭💔??

I used to feel this too. You are doing a great job and and loving your children. You will get stronger.

@QuesFrown hope you managed a better sleep than I did. Another day to get through.

Amazing what stress can do to the body 😳💩🤮🤕💔

Maybe the other woman doesn't want him so he is crawling back. Dont give him a second chance to treat you or your children like thia again. He sounds awful, maybe he has been putting on a facade all these years

I can imagine it’s taking a lot of emotional energy to remain so outwardly strong. You are doing a great job in this awful situation. Can you get out for a bit with your boys today?

@PatchworkElmer he has texted suggesting he takes my youngest to his football game.
I have ignored so far but think I will agree. Then whilst he’s out, I’ll drop his remaining belongings (8 bin liners) at his Mums.
I feel like that would cleanse my soul 😊

@WTFis2020 good idea, if DS is happy. I’d take great delight in dumping the stuff, too!

Great idea

[quote WTFis2020]@PatchworkElmer he has texted suggesting he takes my youngest to his football game.
I have ignored so far but think I will agree. Then whilst he’s out, I’ll drop his remaining belongings (8 bin liners) at his Mums.
I feel like that would cleanse my soul 😊[/quote]
He'll have a right old shock too as I imagine he thinks he's on his way back in to the family home. What a prick.