Friend-zoned. Will he ever see me as anything more?

[TheOriginalMagratGarlik1]

My friend and I are in our late 40s. He's long term single, I'm recently separated. We've been friends for a couple of years or so through a mutual hobby.

Since mid June we've been hanging out for full days (12+ hours at a time) on a one to one basis for anywhere between 1-3 days per week. If we meet with others in our hobby club we are often the last to leave and can spend an extra hour or two chatting after everyone else has left. We've been away for weekends together doing our hobby and travelled to those places together (which has involved journeys of 10+ hours). Next week we will travel together for over 2 hours to do our hobby together (without other members of our club coming along).

In short, outside of my family he is the person I spend the most time with and yes, I've fallen for him pretty hard. In an awkward conversation a week ago I admitted my feelings for him. He looked surprised and said he hadn't thought about it.

Now, I'm well aware I simply may not be his type etc etc, but clearly I've been put in the friend-zone (and our hobby is not the type of activity where you typically look your best/sexiest). Is there realistically any chance with this one? I know he's on online dating sites (as he's entitled to do as a long term single bloke), but any ideas on how to get him to see me as a female and not just a good mate he has a laugh with? I don't need to spend time alone with him. We already do a lot of that. In addition, not sure how relevant it is, but he is ASD and not great at picking up social cues.

Maybe. See what happens when you see him next. If nothing, then no. You're in the FZ for good.

I've seen him a few times since. Our interaction was different (closer). No move from his side and I felt having said my bit I should back off. However, we still made several other arrangements to meet one to one several times over the next few weeks again for full days.

Well you’ve told him you like him as more than a friend so ASD or not it couldn’t be clearer. You can’t make him see you as more he either does or doesn’t.

I think you need to not act like his friend. Don't offer yourself up as a friend if that's not right for you. I've been in this situation before, I was the person he could text (endlessly) so he had that support and connection but he never got to miss me.

I would say to him really unapologetically ''I'm going home early tonight! need my beauty sleep for tomorrow''.

If he is all like ''we never taaaaalk anymore'' be brave enough to let him know that you're looking for a relationship. Not necessarily a serious one, to begin with, an exclusive relationship with somebody who is delighted to be with you!''.

Say it like you have the fullest belief in your ability to find that or do without it. No half measures.

Endless messaging is not for you. You could even say that directly.

Endless texting outside of a relationship is not for me.

It's direct. It's ''high value''.

You may not be his type and if you're not that's nothing for you to be embarrassed about but he can't expect you to be at the end of a message 24/7

I agree that you’ve made it very clear so either it’s reciprocated or not.

What's the hobby? Cycling? What's the sleeping arrangements like when you go away?

Are you sure he is ASD? In any case you told him of your feelings and he didn't exactly welcome it, so I would just back off and start dating other people. Don't become that female friend where guys use as an emotional cushion and ego stroke.

@musterowl he's actually really shit at messaging. We maybe text once a day or less. Everyone that knows him knows he's a crap texter so it's not just me. We tend to make arrangements to meet when we see each other (several times a week), or occasionally by phone. But when we meet we will spend anything from 10hours to full weekends just chatting.

Having only come out of a LTR at the start of the year (and then we went into lockdown in march) I'm pretty out of the game with this.

No the hobby is not cycling. I'd rather not mention as it could be quite identifying.

When we go away sleeping arrangements are always split male/female.

Yes, I am sure he's ASD. And no, he wasn't wanting to jump me there and then. He was surprised.

I think the only way this might work is if you just make yourself a lot less available to him and start seeing someone else. If he sees he is about to lose you, he might change his mind. But it's quite improbable.

Has he given any indication about his love life? Does he open up much? You are sure he is not gay?

Have you seen his OLD profile or ever asked him what type of person he is looking for?

It is likely you are just not his type and I doubt that will change.

I don't think he's gay. To be honest, given some of the looks I know he's given me when he thought I wasn't looking, I was a bit surprised when he said he hadn't thought about it. There have been definite long, lingering looks and a few moments of I appropriate eye contact. However, I'm aware this could just be me projecting. I'm usually fairly good at reading these things, and maybe on this one I just got it wrong ☹️

I'm not going to play games and start dating others to see if he gets jealous. He either likes me or he doesn't. If not I want him as a friend rather than losing him, but I'm not going to lie, that will hurt.

If he doesn’t fancy you he doesn’t fancy you and that is unlikely to change.

I wouldn’t bugger about with game playing - either walk away or carry on as you are knowing nothing more will come of it

I've seen his OLD profile (I decided to give it a go anonymously with a generic pic) and saw his profile. It was a pic of him doing his hobby. Fairly non-identifiable if you didn't know him (think Motorsport with a helmet on, but it's not that), no info (typical), wrong name (typical) and location info out by a few miles (easily spoofed by someone that wants to protect their privacy). I've not asked him what he wants from a person. I feel that's a bit too intrusive.

Just read your last post - seems the most sensible course of action

As a guess i reckon your hobby is paint balling, mountaineering or suba diving!

If he was interested he would have made a move by now.

Sorry.

@otterhound, yes it's one of those

@S00LA not sure it's always as simple as that. My ex-husband and I were very good friends for over a year before we got together. I had no clue he liked me, or even thought about him like that and give versa.

*vice

Would you still want to see him so much if he is definitely not interested?

It seems a lot of time to spend with someone if you are hoping for something more.

@Savemyusername01 yes, because I also love the hobby we do together. I could ask likewise would he want to spend so much time together (doing an activity we love) if he's not interested. There are easily others he could do the same activity with.

There may be very good reasons why he's never been in a relationship. He may, literally, have no idea how to go about it. He may have absorbed ideas from TV and film that there is a 'lightening bolt' moment, and if that doesn't happen then it means you can't possibly be 'in love'.

Also, if he is ASD, maybe browse through some of the threads started by those in relationships with partners who are ASD and who struggle to fulfil the needs of their partners.

This is a real tough one @TheOriginalMagratGarlik1. I just got friend zoned a few months ago. It’s really hard to be friends and I had to go NC as I couldn’t cope. Didn’t help that he also started seeing someone else which was very very painful. I did miss the friendship massively and recently we met up for a drink. I’ve been up and down since. To be honest I’m not sure if we can ever be the friends we were before. Very close. I also have trust issues with him now but that’s another story. Not saying that all situations are the same but it does change the friendship. Still on shakey grounds at the moment but that is because I am still hurt how it all turned out. You have to realise (probably get flamed for this for generalising but oh well) that this I want to ruin the friendship business as so much easier for men. He will find this easier, you won’t. Please look out for yourself.

Just realised I have rambled on up there. Apologies.

What do you talk about when you’re together? Does he mention relationships?