Friend-zoned. Will he ever see me as anything more?

[TheOriginalMagratGarlik1]

My friend and I are in our late 40s. He's long term single, I'm recently separated. We've been friends for a couple of years or so through a mutual hobby.

Since mid June we've been hanging out for full days (12+ hours at a time) on a one to one basis for anywhere between 1-3 days per week. If we meet with others in our hobby club we are often the last to leave and can spend an extra hour or two chatting after everyone else has left. We've been away for weekends together doing our hobby and travelled to those places together (which has involved journeys of 10+ hours). Next week we will travel together for over 2 hours to do our hobby together (without other members of our club coming along).

In short, outside of my family he is the person I spend the most time with and yes, I've fallen for him pretty hard. In an awkward conversation a week ago I admitted my feelings for him. He looked surprised and said he hadn't thought about it.

Now, I'm well aware I simply may not be his type etc etc, but clearly I've been put in the friend-zone (and our hobby is not the type of activity where you typically look your best/sexiest). Is there realistically any chance with this one? I know he's on online dating sites (as he's entitled to do as a long term single bloke), but any ideas on how to get him to see me as a female and not just a good mate he has a laugh with? I don't need to spend time alone with him. We already do a lot of that. In addition, not sure how relevant it is, but he is ASD and not great at picking up social cues.

Could you suggest going for dinner or drinks (depending on where in the country you live) that way he’d see you dressed up? If that’s your concern.

I do a hobby which is very male oriented. Sadly much older men. I’ve lost count of the number who I thought I was friends with (some I counted as close friends) however eventually they would always admit to liking me & wanting more. It always throws me when I’m told. If I liked them that way I would have made it clear from the start and have been very flirtatious. Not sure whether this will help but may provide a different perspective OP.

@Cantdoitallperfectly we talk about our hobby, or work or things that have happened lately, amongst other things. We don't talk about relationships, no. Though I do know a colleague of his (independently) who has told me he has mentioned me at work.

@WatieKatie we've been out for dinner or drinks before (sometimes as a group, sometimes not), but it tends to be in a situation of being casual dressed rather than dressed up. I have sometimes seen him giving me the type of look which is not the type of look you give to a friend, which was why I was a little surprised. !I'd told him I found him attractive and asked if this was one way, or mutual - he said he hadn't thought about it which as I say surprised me as the impression I'd got was that this was a thought that had gone through his mind.

He could have said that he hadn’t thought about it before just as an automatic response, not actually that he hasn’t.

I would just ask him on a date. Maybe say after you next 1-1 hobby meet up would you like to get dinner after as a date? And see why he says. You can say to him it’s ok if you just want to go as friends as an out but make it clear a date is on the table.

@MiddleClassProblem that's possible, but I don't want to push things and be one of those people who doesn't respect no as an answer (and we've all come across men like that haven't we?l.

Also if he was interested but just caught off guard, or giving an automatic answer surely he wouldn't still be going on dating apps? (Maybe I'm very naive in that one. Having come from a very LTR I'm not really familiar with dating app culture or etiquette).

Sad but he is probably looking for a woman 10 yrs younger so he can have a child? I take it he doesnt have kids for some reason. I stopped OLD because all men 45+ put in a decade+ younger for their search parametres. But in rl i met a man 6 yrs younger. Covid killed our relationship mind you. But the fact this guy is OLD makes me think he is looking, he is open to romance but not with you. Back right off. Xx🍷

Dont contact just him for ages. Let him experience you backing right off.
Do not ask him out on a date!
Go on a date yourself though.

Is the hobby welding?

I’m not sure why he wouldn’t still be using dating apps. Nothing has happened and people don’t always put all their eggs in one basket when nothing has actual happened.

He knows you, it might just take longer to process. Saying you’re interested and not knowing how he feels is not the same as someone saying no and not backing off.

I think if you ask and let him know it’s ok if you are just friends (I assume you are happy to continue the friendship if the feelings are one sided) then you know. Telling someone you have feelings and seeing if there is a response can work sometimes, but other times the other person can still be confused as to either what to do about it or what you actually want to come out of it.

Well an online dating profile with an unclear photo (especially one featuring a niche hobby), no info and a fake name is unlikely to bring him much luck online 😄
I think maybe you need to have one more conversation with him, or ask him on a proper date, but if he doesn’t leap at the chance this time you have to back off. I think some men enjoy the attention that can come from a situation like yours but have no real desire to change anything.

He might just be telling the truth that he hasn’t thought about YOU that way before. He may genuinely not even know if he’s interested or not in you or not because he hasn’t thought about you as a potential date before - you’re his hobby friend. He could easily be on dating apps to look for someone to date as well as hanging out with someone who he’s never consider as a potential partner before.

Saying that though, I think you need to consider whether you are rebounding and just latching on to one of the men you know and redirecting all your feelings onto him. I think the overanalysing is a sign of that. That would be really unfair especially if he is autistic.

Maybe you'd be better keeping it as friends. It sounds good as it is, and I wouldn't underestimate the difficulty of being in a relationship with someone with ASD.

Especially from a starting point of not even knowing if he's attracted to you. Sounds like a recipe for awful heartache to me.

@Marisishidinginmyattic I don't think I'm rebounding. It's hard to be objective maybe, but I've been interested in this man since we first started spending time together. I was still in a relationship at the time, so didn't act on it. I'm afraid I do tend to be someone who over analyses a lot. Made worse my the large amount of time we spend alone together.

@MiddleClassProblem I think a problem also comes that I don't really know how to date, or what involves as such. I've never done it. I met my ex through work, we became very close friends, and eventually after a few too many beers things progressed further. Similar story with the long term ex before that, so a bit of a pattern that my relationship history has always been built on friendship with the rest following, but this feels different somehow. I think partly because I'm completely out of the loop as to how to go about these things. It's been 20 years since the start of my last relationship!

I don’t think he is interested in a romantic way . So you have to just be friends or scale back the contact and find someone who is interested .

OP dating other people and backing off is not game playing. It's called getting on with your life.

ASD or not, he knows you are interested, and even if he was shocked initially, if he wants to proceed he will. Don't demean yourself so much by asking him out on a date.

@AnaViaSalamanca it's game playing if it is done with the purpose of making him jealous as others have suggested.

No, I don't intend to ask him on a date. I wouldn't even know how to suggest it as we regularly make arrangements to meet and spend time together anyway, so I'd have no idea how to suggest that this meeting was "different" from normal if you see what I mean

Has he ever had a relationship OP?
I know he has an online dating profile- but I have a friend like this who is asexual- the dating profile is to keep up appearances to his family as they nag him endlessly about finding someone but he never uses it- have you ever known him with a partner or has he talked about one?

One thing I've learnt with men is if they like you they will do something about it. I've wasted lots of time over analysing things and convincing myself a gesture, action or look can mean feelings. Nope, I think men are more simple than that and if they fancy you, they will do something about it. He knows you like him, wait for him to respond in kind. I'm a chaser and I'm learning to not do that anymore as it just leads to disappointment in the end.

@Mermaidwaves
I’ve been a chaser too and it has never worked for me . I think you can let a man know you are interested , but if they do nothing about it let it go . Taken me a horrible amount of time to realise and accept that.

I've not known him with a partner in the two years I've known him and we've never talked about our respective relationship history. His dating profile is active though as I've come across it and also seen a change of location on it, so definitely being used. I'd also think if it were there for "keeping up appearances" he'd use his real name and location rather than fake ones, which suggest he's embarressed about having a profile.

He has mentioned before though about not really knowing people outside of our hobby club or work.

I don't think he sounds like good boyfriend material.

He's an excellent friend. I would enjoy that instead of trying to make it more.

Why do you think that @category12 ?

He's non-neurotypical. This means a relationship will be challenging and he may not actually be able to meet your emotional needs.

He's long-term single. There may be excellent reasons for this.

He's not showing signs of being romantically or sexually interested in you, so if you make the running, you'll always be wondering and it's never fun to be the one who cares more.

Overall he's a project and a fixer-upper as a potential boyfriend, and that's not good news.

He's a good friend to you. You enjoy each other's company. I'd look elsewhere for a lover.

I second category12
He sounds like a lovely person and a good hobby friend but I think there are a few things that suggest he is not a boyfriend-
You say he doesn't message you much- but the dating apps require chatting by message so if he is active in this, he clearly does message- but not you
When you told him - he said he had never thought of it- yet he is active on dating- so it's unusual he wouldn't connect a single female he has met naturally through a mutual interest as being available or an option for him as you get on so well.

I would say this is all him not really being interested in you- I would echo PPs who suggest backing off- put him in your brain as a friend only- he is giving you all indication that this is how he feels about you

@crotchetmonkey74, I think you are right.

The only thing I would say is since I only separated at the start of the year, then there was lockdown, plus I've never made a big declaration about being single I'm not sure if my relationship status is necessarily all that clear. I've avoided saying anything on social media because in part I'm not a big fan of airing my personal things on social media and in part I out of respect for my ex.

With respect to messaging I know he's not big into messaging generally (also from others who've known him a long time). Messaging tends to be very functional - to make arrangements etc rather than general chit chat. He's very different in person or on the phone.

I think you are right though, I think he's not interested. It's just very confusing. This week for example we will be spending 3 full days alone together, including a trip with just the two of us to another part of the country. I wonder how many females would accept a man she was dating spending this amount of time alone with another female? I know I wouldn't.

Yes, TheOriginalMagratGarlik1 that's why I thought of my lovely friend- he is like this- and has consequently had lots of his female friends fall for him (myself include many years ago)
I've been on holiday with him, shared a room, lived with him briefly, cinema, meals- he helped me choose new cars and I did with him etc When I had feelings for him I would interpret this as he liked me, as we shared so much - it was like a relationship or a really friendly marriage but without the actual relationship bit- then I would get angry at him as I would feel like he MUST know and he was taking advantage but having been friends with him for 15 years I now know that he does not think of relationships AT ALL. He has no interest. I now stand by and watch new friends and colleagues fall for him as he's funny, charismatic and really friendly.
I think if people like each other, they do something about it- you have- you told him- and despite knowing that, he hasn't even upped the messaging to you or shown any extra interest- above all else, this is quite an emotionally stunted way to deal with it- so you might have had a lucky escape anyway