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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Right to be offended by tonight's comments

158 replies

GenevieD · 12/10/2020 22:42

So my on/off partner messaged me tonight and said he hasent been in touch all day because hes absolutely furious at something that happened today. So he basically got pulled by police for something he shouldn't have been doing and got an on the spot fine.
He said he got victimised because he is a hardworking straight white Male. Then he said to the police officer I bet if I was a woman, or on benefits or of colour you would have let me off because it's not worth your job.

I was horrified to hear he had said that and I've really taken offence tonight. I am a single parent yes I work really hard to look after my daughter (but I do get a little bit of additional support in the way of benefits). He said woman would turn on the water works and say it's time of the month or use some other excuse like 'I'm pregnant' to get away with it.

So it's now turned into a little bit of a slanging match. He says nobody feels sorry for him because hes a white Male. Hes slated women tonight. Yesterday when I was out with him we were walking in the woods and there was a woman with an 18 month old toddler on reins and he walked really closely and impatiently behind him, so the lady said move over to let the man through, he stormed through. And then he said can you believe how sarcastic that woman was to me!!!

Theres been so many things go on lately, but these are huge red flags arent they?

OP posts:
BabyLlamaZen · 13/10/2020 08:21

You are worth more. Seriously.

ravenmum · 13/10/2020 08:30

What's reallly annoying is that when men like this very understandably get dumped, they think it is just another example of whatever pro-female/anti "good guy" conspiracy they believe in.

Phoenix21 · 13/10/2020 08:44

His victim hood and lack of empathy would be enough for me to bin him let alone the rest.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 13/10/2020 08:57

I don't want to give him a moment of my response, but I wonder what prevented you from just dumping and moving on, rather than asking for other people's opinions here.

I wonder if you missed him, or missed being in a relationship. I wonder if you are undervaluing yourself in a relationship. I guess I would love to see that you have the confidence to disable the "on" button on this one and not worry about whether others agree with you or not.

SeraphinaDombegh · 13/10/2020 09:19

He sounds like an embittered, angry and unpleasant man. You're SO much better off without him. Ugh.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/10/2020 09:22

Idly wondering whether the police do a benefits check before handing out on-the-spot fines, and if so what method they use. Maybe they also do a quick ring to the offender's employer to check how hard they work. Or maybe they just know everything because they're police.

Or maybe a man flouncing around the place with a permanent case of bad temper (possibly due to the aforementioned drinking) and blaming everyone but himself for it is pretty much guaranteed to do something stupid and will sometimes get caught. He could always try... not doing it?

mummmy2017 · 13/10/2020 09:28

He loves his victim status.
Everyone is against him.
But the biggest red flag is how he feels about his ex and his children.

Original poster
GenevieD · 13/10/2020 09:42

The only thing ive mulled over (more so the first time we split a few months ) is what if hes acting like this because a few things have gone wrong this year for him. But then, I give my head a wobble and think that theres people around me who have suffered and been through much worse and you never hear them complaining. He's got a really nice new house which most people would be happy to own but every night its poor me, I'm sitting alone on my own blah blah blah.

He even said at the weekend that me having my daughter on a Saturday night (my ex partner has her fri nights) is massively impacting his weekend and could I not swap days with my ex for friday nights instead because it's not fair he should have to sit in alone every saturday night for the rest of his life. I told him that DD always comes first and I'm not prepared to even think about switching her routine

OP posts:
SpaceOP · 13/10/2020 09:50

He's an entitled white man who honestly and truly believes that he is hard done by. Nothing you say will change his mind and you should escape now. Be prepared for him to be extremely abusive and angry when you dump him. I'd advise blocking him as soon as it's done . Do not attempt to get him to understand or accept it. He won't.

Original poster
GenevieD · 13/10/2020 09:54

@SpaceOP I do need to block him, hes just bombarding my phone now with asking me why I didnt tell him I was taking my DD out with her dad sunday eve, and he said it might be good for my DD having her mum and dad there but he said do you realise the impact this is having on me and how terrible this is for me. normally i would have panicked about his response but after everything but I'm really not giving a toss today

OP posts:
Original poster
GenevieD · 13/10/2020 09:56

Sorry to keep posting on here I just feel a bit embarrassed speaking about him to friends/ family but hes just sent me this:

Sadly I don’t think you can give me what I’m needing at the moment. I’m kinda in a relationship yet so lonely. I don’t see enough of you for it to ever work. I’ve had doubts the last few weeks and that’s why I’ve been asking if you can be more flexible. My weekends are so precious and I want to spend them with that special someone and Im always denied this. I’ve tried everything I just don’t know what to do a anymore we see less of each other now than what we do at the very start

OP posts:
jellybeans44 · 13/10/2020 09:58

I'd simply reply "yes I've been thinking the same it's not working for me either. I think it's best we call it off. Wish you the best X" and leave it there.

Blueuggboots · 13/10/2020 10:01

Yep, great entrance to the "I was thinking the same.....BYYYYEEEEEEE!!!"

MadeForThis · 13/10/2020 10:04

All the best xx

SpaceOP · 13/10/2020 10:06

@jellybeans44 has it. He's given you an out. Take it and run....

GabsAlot · 13/10/2020 10:09

just say yes was thinking the same bye

Original poster
GenevieD · 13/10/2020 10:10

I may even be super lazy and copy and paste your message @jellybeans44 to him, I've got a meeting at 11 though so just in case he starts sending crap I'm going to wait untill after then.

OP posts:
Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 10:12

He sounds like a massive twat who needs to be shown the door.

Chocaholic9 · 13/10/2020 10:13

@jellybeans44

I'd simply reply "yes I've been thinking the same it's not working for me either. I think it's best we call it off. Wish you the best X" and leave it there.
Good response.
Original poster
GenevieD · 13/10/2020 10:17

Hes now just said if we can chat things over later then I feel that would be good as I dont like messaging about stuff like this

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 13/10/2020 10:18

Ew, he’s racist, sexist, and trying so so hard to be a victim. Gross.

OP don’t feel sorry for this man for two seconds. He sounds like a right low life.

Just dump him, he’s so not worth your time

Rainbowshine · 13/10/2020 10:19

Yes use @jellybeans44 reply and immediately block. He hasn’t got keys to your place has he? He’s a very angry person, would it be wise to let someone you trust know that you’re ending things with him?

Rainbowshine · 13/10/2020 10:20

And no to chatting, take control of this, he’s not in charge.

Takeitonthechin · 13/10/2020 10:26

Yes time to move on

whatwouldjohnmclanedo · 13/10/2020 10:28

NO to chatting, it’s done. You’re dodging a long term bullet. From all of your posts I can’t work out of this man has any redeeming features at all. Even the message he send you was dickish ‘my weekends are precious’ ‘I’m always denied this’

It’s only and always about him. Please properly get rid of this person from your life and your daughters