40th What a big let down

[Voyager121]

10 years ago my hubby wanted to go to the Indian ocean for his 40th. I booked and planned it all by myself. We spent one week away at a top luxury resort at a cost of £3,400 plus £1,200 resort fees/bill at the end of our week. It was truely amazing, he said it was his best birthday ever and promised to take me for my 40th.

He has had nearly ten years to save for my 40th but had nothing booked for it, instead I had a box of chocolates, some flowers and £950 in an envelope. Of course I thanked him but I can't help but feel upset and disappointed.

Firstly he obviously had'nt put any effort into my 40th because he hasn't made any plans or bookings to take me away as promised and yet I did absolutely everything to make sure he had a birthday to remember.

Given that he had 10 years to save, well £950 isn't even going to cover our flights there.

It's certainly not the birthday we discussed or I thought I'd have, and it just makes me feel he really doesn't care about me. He's just spent nearly £2k on his hobby, which makes me feel thats more important than me.

Would anyone else feel disappointed? Or feel unimportant?

"Thank you so much for the £950 but are you sure you can afford it alongside the holiday? When's that booked for btw?"

And they are married? So surely the money is just their money anyway??

Can’t it be a 40th/50th trip to Oz? I’d be annoyed about a lack of thought- but not by the monetary/grand gesture of an extravagent gift.

Just ask him what dates you need to book off work and is the 950 spending money or seperate

I would be using the £950 to book a solo trip somewhere warm and spoil myself. Leave the husband at home.

Maybe he doesn't want to organise a trip away due to Covid? Especially with the risk a trip will have to be cancelled or curtailed last minute which would ruin the experience. That would be the very obvious reason to me for his behaviour and to be honest I'd be exactly the same. They'd be no way I'd be booking a getaway, especially an expensive one, in the midst of the worst global pandemic in a century. It wouldnt surprise me if he was planning to take you away in the future when things have calmed down. He may actually have already paid for something but decided to postpone it. Massive overreaction on your part when you've not even bothered to speak to the poor man! It's not like he got you nothing Do you have a tendency to not communicate directly with him and just jump into conclusions in your relationship? Seems like the problem is you to be honest.

Not being able to book a trip because of COVID is irrelevant. There are a million ways he could've made the OP's 40th birthday special, and not one of them include an envelope of bank notes with the suggestion that she can put it towards his next big birthday treat.

OP I think I'd go with what some pps have suggested- say thank you for the money but is he sure he can afford it, in addition to the holiday he promised.

If he mentions his 50th again, just say briskly that you'll consider Australia after you've done your birthday choice of destination.

Respin 2020 as the year of change and a 'whole new you' and use the money to organise a quick divorce.

Happy birthday OP. Your husband is a self-centred, and frankly mean man. Leave him.

How odd to give you cash in an envelope.

But this is a time when overseas travel is difficult, so I'd cut him some slack on that.

He's just spent nearly £2k on his hobby, which makes me feel thats more important than me

It is! Men aren’t complicated. They very clearly show where their priorities lie. I think he means more to you than you do to him.

I am sorry. This exact thing happened with my 50th, two years ago. I started dating my partner just after my 41st birthday. I spent 9 years saying how crap my 40th was, and I wanted better for my 50th.

On my 49th birthday that August, he said we would both be going to our favourite Greek island for my 50th. He was going to book it and spent the next year paying it off... except he didn't. Every month, every payday, there was an excuse why he hadn't booked it. He had two promotions, two pay rises before Christmas that year. No new debt etc. It was always "I'll do it next month".... With less than 6 months to go, I started getting "August is a expensive time/I don't think I will be able to take the week off" type of excuse. The whole holiday was his bloody idea!

Long story short, my 50th was a total disaster. I ended up booking a night away for us on the day (just so I could say I'd done something) - partner made us catch the wrong train, I ended up with horrendous toothache trigged by the stress/upset and we ended up back at my flat that night doing nothing. No meal out, no flowers, no wine or even a poxy box of chocolates. My one present was a £80 ring I won on eBay that he paid £30 towards - I paid the other £50.

It's his 50th in less than 3 weeks. I'm doing nothing for it. I've been telling him for 2 years I wouldn't be doing anything. We are in a LDR, I'm in one of the high risk areas so it's doubtful we will even see each other. Suits me fine.

You reap what you sow.

It's time for you to get an expensive hobby OP.

@noirchatsdeux What's the point of him? You don't like him (don't blame you there) and he's long distance. Better to be alone that with a millstone around your neck.

So many questions....
You are expecting you OH to take you somewhere exotic, on a long haul flight during a pandemic???
Did you ever talk about it or did you just assume he would take care off it. Usually a holiday of that magnitude takes planning and ongoing discussions between ppl.

I’m pretty shocked by some of the expectations here! Tbh, my partner and I don’t really buy pressies for each other - tends to be something we need for the house, very practical - or something more for the children. Luxury items or expensive holidays mean very little to me - particularly in current times. I think the £950 should go to a good charity - to someone who would be incredibly thankful for it. Thought and love can be shown in different ways, and if you feel loved - THIS is what matters.

On my 40th I had three little children under 4. My husband babysat and I went out with girlfriends and got drunk. Came home, tipple tailed on the landing and went to bed with my clothes on.

A good night.

@oreoicecreammmm

Fuck that shit. I'd leave him. That may sound extreme but he's shown you exactly where you are on his list of priorities.

I’m with you. Such disregard and thoughtlessness? I’d be planning a swift exit.

Things are not always perfect, hope you enjoyed the chocolates !!

I get it, OP. Ir’s not really about the money, it’s the principle of being less valued. My OH got a lavish overseas holiday with a trip to a major sporting event, high end hotels and restaurants and lots of expensive gifts for his 40th.

My 40th was spent sitting in a traffic jam for 8 hours, dinner courtesy of a fast food joint. My present was a tech item which I had said I didn’t want. I made him take it back, didn’t get anything else. I suspect he thought I’d just say thank you and then he could use it as it was something he wanted - no way was that happening.

We’ve been together a long time and birthdays have definitely been variable on his part. That one hurt though. I need to up my expectations - trouble is, I like surprises and he wants to be told what I’d like.

@noirchatsdeux why on Earth are you still with him? I hope you’re dating other people!

Bit of a tough act to follow isn't it? All that money, all that planning. How exactly was he going to follow that?

Also a lot - a lot, of expectation on your part.

I would talk to him, tell him how you feel , then decide between you both, to stop doing these ridiculous over the top gestures just because it's a number. Christ on a bike - who cares?

Do this big trip thing together as a shared activity and keep it small for birthdays.

Before commenting I think it would be good to know what the OP got for her 30th, which coincided with the luxury joint trip 10 years ago. Otherwise, without understanding this couple’s approach to joint finances and budgeting, it’s hard to determine what’s fair. By the sounds of it they have an unusual arrangement. I also don’t get why joint holidays are not taken to be a joint gift to yourself.

Btw I would be annoyed with anyone giving me an envelope of cash? Why on earth do that in the middle of a pandemic when cash is fairly useless and no one is going to Australia for quite some time.

All sounds weird to me.

@Plentyofshit

I’m pretty shocked by some of the expectations here! Tbh, my partner and I don’t really buy pressies for each other - tends to be something we need for the house, very practical - or something more for the children. Luxury items or expensive holidays mean very little to me - particularly in current times. I think the £950 should go to a good charity - to someone who would be incredibly thankful for it. Thought and love can be shown in different ways, and if you feel loved - THIS is what matters.

well we found the high horse

I'm pretty shocked some people are happy to wollow in stale cultural ignorance and give/accept the bare minimum from relationship (you are SUPPOSE to show thought and love as the utter basic, its not 'instead' of) instead of seeing the world and bettering themselves

we went to africa and experiance the culture first hand as we travelled across the country staying with and giving money (hand straight to hand - not to over paid charity executives) to the locals for showing us their world, they seemed pretty thankful of the money and we learned through experiance stuff that books can teach about cultural religeons and histories that no one talks about here, a journey of personal growth and learn - THIS is what matters

I think some people are missing why the OP is upset. It isn't the money, it is the effort.

For my 40th DP erected a big metal frame marquee, managed to fix the massive pyramid stage balloon structure I had ordered (whilst drunk) onto the marquee, set up lighting, disco balls, set up the stage and equipment for my DS's band, put together a 26 hour spotify playlist, sewed loads of bunting by hand, threw massive colourful streamers into our tree, strung festoon lighting all around our garden, made fabric jelly fish to hang up, placed 20 hales of bay around the garden, made two teepees, helped me paint a massive Glastonbury sign and then let me get on with partying with the 110 people who came to my mini Glastonbury festival, he took loads of pictures so I could remember it and helped with the big clean up the next day. We had been together 6 months at that point. It wasn't about how much he spent, it was about the time, thought and effort. It was at that point I knew I had someone who was on my side and was bothered about me. OP didn't get this from the person she has been with for many years and is married to, and it must sting. A lot.

All the people saying maybe he didn't do it because of Covid or whatever - if that was the case, what stopped him saying "my love, happy birthday, I'm so sorry we couldn't do the trip for your birthday this year because of [Covid/whatever], I will make it up to you by [x and y] "?!

If she (or people online) has to make up her own excuses for him not being arsed, it's pretty shit. He could at least make up his own.