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Original poster

40th What a big let down

144 replies

Voyager121 · 12/10/2020 02:23

10 years ago my hubby wanted to go to the Indian ocean for his 40th. I booked and planned it all by myself. We spent one week away at a top luxury resort at a cost of £3,400 plus £1,200 resort fees/bill at the end of our week. It was truely amazing, he said it was his best birthday ever and promised to take me for my 40th.

He has had nearly ten years to save for my 40th but had nothing booked for it, instead I had a box of chocolates, some flowers and £950 in an envelope. Of course I thanked him but I can't help but feel upset and disappointed.

Firstly he obviously had'nt put any effort into my 40th because he hasn't made any plans or bookings to take me away as promised and yet I did absolutely everything to make sure he had a birthday to remember.

Given that he had 10 years to save, well £950 isn't even going to cover our flights there.

It's certainly not the birthday we discussed or I thought I'd have, and it just makes me feel he really doesn't care about me. He's just spent nearly £2k on his hobby, which makes me feel thats more important than me.

Would anyone else feel disappointed? Or feel unimportant?

OP posts:
Poppingnostopping · 12/10/2020 08:35

This is all very weird.

Why did you expect to go on a holiday in the middle of a pandemic? Why didn't you discuss with him your holiday plans for the year, including your 40th? Why is it all done in secret code like watching YouTube videos- why not just ask directly and then discuss the plans?

I personally would be delighted with flowers, choccies and nearly £1000 to spend on myself but I wouldn't have let it get to the stage of not knowing if you were holidaying by the birthday and also if that type of thing would have been a disappointment.

OP, it's all about communication and that does seem an issue here.

Bettyfromduggee · 12/10/2020 08:45

I am fascinated by this. What bizarre behaviour on his part. To not even mention any sort of holiday now is very weird. To be fair I think it would have been stupid for him to actually book anything because of Covid etc but it’s like your birthday trip has ceased to exist.

I agree with pp who said it seems like he might have saved up £3k and then when he realised no holiday was going to happen, spent £2k on his hobby and £1k for you.

Also I’m sorry this won’t help at all but the weird £950 amount (obviously taking change from the £1k to buy bog standard chocs and flowers) is exactly the sort of thing my ex would have done, logical decision to him if he had set himself a £1k budget. He took me out of a birthday dinner a week before my birthday once (due to dates we were free etc) and told me in all seriousness that I could order whatever I wanted but the restaurant bill was coming out of the birthday budget so the more we spent the less presents I’d have. That’s one of the reasons we are no longer together.

TiggerDatter · 12/10/2020 08:53

I would definitely do a stomp over this. Have you told him how incredibly disappointed and hurt you feel?

ree348 · 12/10/2020 08:56

He sounds incredibly selfish. Is he normally like this?

RightYesButNo · 12/10/2020 08:58

I’m in absolute agreement with everyone else. I think he “saved” £3000 for your birthday and then used lockdown as a mental excuse so he could spend two-thirds of it on his hobby, leaving £1k for you. Oh sorry, no, actually £950, because he deducted some for gas station flowers and chocolates. Jesus wept; it’s like a tax deduction.

I wouldn’t necessarily get a divorce (unless this is a pattern of treatment and not just one huge fuck-up), but I would definitely be telling him everything on my mind. How in the world did you not just let all of it out in the open on him when he made that comment about YOU spending YOUR special birthday money for an Australia trip for HIS 50th?

GilbertMarkham · 12/10/2020 09:09

Where were you planning/hoping to go for your 40th birthday trip?

Is it still possible to go there at the moment?

I suppose even if it isn't, he could have booked it for next year/some time in the future and given you the booking with a token gift (or given you a realistic sum money for the trip).

Either that or booked a luxury, very special trip within the UK (travel restrictions not withstanding) in its place.

doubleaces89 · 12/10/2020 09:27

People are different, and have differing priorities. It just appears to be a case of forgetting, and possibly taking you for granted. Personally, I'd just put the money aside and go somewhere with your friends.

Also, I certainly wouldn't make a big effort for his 50th.

MacbookHo · 12/10/2020 09:32

On my birthday he just said I could put the money he had given me towards meeting him half way on a trip to Austrailia, as he really wants to go there for his 50th.

😮

grapewine · 12/10/2020 09:32

The comment about his 50th and what he wants for that is just rubbing salt in the wood. What a selfish man he sounds. I'm sorry.

honeylulu · 12/10/2020 09:33

On my birthday he just said I could put the money he had given me towards meeting him half way on a trip to Austrailia, as he really wants to go there for his 50th

This update was astounding! What a selfish, thoughtless gift!

So you are given to understand that he'll book a holiday of your choice for your 40th, as you did for him. But instead he allocates you a fraction of the cost but it's not really a gift at all because he wants it to be used to offset your half of HIS next birthday holiday!

I'm baffled as to how he justified that. How do finances work in your house (I'm just wondering if that accounts for the "logic" he has applied)? You say you booked his holiday for his 40th but did you actually fund it out of your own personal money? Or from joint family funds? Does he earn more or even all the money? I'm not saying that makes it ok but it might explain that he might feel you gave him the gift of organising the trip but he funded it and you benefited as well.

In any case he's mean and horrible for letting you believe he was doing that for you and didn't bother.

Treat yourself with the £950. Go on a break without him if you fancy it! He can hardly object!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/10/2020 09:33

Tbh if someone watched a YouTube video about a resort and said to me "this time next year we'll be there" I would assume they were going to organise it themselves.

That said, I don't celebrate my birthday, and I hate the idea of surprise gifts, so I'm probably an outlier.

Can you talk to him honestly and openly about your hurt feelings?

Wheytaminute · 12/10/2020 09:33

I can understand why you are upset OP - your trip is not happening this year even if he had saved enough money for it. But 2021 or 2022? It's still your treat.

What does amaze me though is people giving their partners cash in an envelope? Don't you have a joint account anyway? I can't envisage going to the cashmachine and drawing out some notes to put in an envelope for my DH. I do it for the DC and other young family members but cash for husbands/wives? Confused

MacbookHo · 12/10/2020 09:33

I can’t get over that. He wants you to spend your birthday money on HIS birthday. So he’s effectively given you a bunch of flowers and some chocolates. That’s it.

Has he always been a twat?

Time2change2 · 12/10/2020 09:35

Sorry that sounds crap. My DH is lovely is so many ways but planning things and special surprises is just a total no go for him- I think it is for so many men for some reason!? It sucks big time.
What he should have done - because you can go away at the moment, he should be saving that money for when you can go.
As for your birthday now, it doesn’t need to cost the Earth. Book a lovely afternoon tea and a walk around somewhere beautiful. There are still plenty of simple things you can organise that are Romantic and thoughtful. It’s crap that he hasn’t done more but it’s not about how much money it needs to cost

Clutterbugsmum · 12/10/2020 09:35

I'd spell it out to him clearly so he can't claim he's confused.

Explain to him that you paid £4,600 for a holiday to celebrate his 40th, and HE promised the same for your 40th.

Now it's your 40th and HE's given you a bunch of flowers and chocolates for your birthday and £950 towards another holiday FOR him, and for YOU to cover the rest.

Let him know this is not acceptable, yes we all know there is very little you can do at the moment due to Covid but there is no way the £950 is going towards a trip to Australia and if he wants to go then HE needs to research it, book it and pay for it as a way to make up for his pitiful birthday gifts.

Astella22 · 12/10/2020 09:40

Ah that’s totally shit OP, I can understand him not booking anything in the middle of a pandemic but to not even mention it and then to add insult he gives u cash in a card. Absolutely no thought went into that present, I would be very cross.

Dery · 12/10/2020 09:41

"I'd spell it out to him clearly so he can't claim he's confused.

Explain to him that you paid £4,600 for a holiday to celebrate his 40th, and HE promised the same for your 40th.

Now it's your 40th and HE's given you a bunch of flowers and chocolates for your birthday and £950 towards another holiday FOR him, and for YOU to cover the rest.

Let him know this is not acceptable, yes we all know there is very little you can do at the moment due to Covid but there is no way the £950 is going towards a trip to Australia and if he wants to go then HE needs to research it, book it and pay for it as a way to make up for his pitiful birthday gifts."

This. Although I agree with PP who said that you also got to enjoy the amazing holiday you took him on for his 40th so I think in reality it was a present from you to you both, not just to him. Just as this would have been a present from him to you both, not just to you.

But absolutely, the facts that he spent £2k on his hobby and the suggestion that you should put your present money towards the trip he wants for his 50th suggest that actually he's just a selfish so and so. So I think you need to be very clear about your expectations and demand a very clear explanation back from him as to what is going on. Just as @Clutterbugsmum suggested. And then decide what to do next based on his explanation.

PullTheBricksDown · 12/10/2020 09:42

What @Clutterbugsmum said. His 50th can be folded into your choice of delayed trip for your 40th. He's already had his pick of destination. Why would he get to choose next time when your turn just gets missed out?

imgoingtoeatthatmuffin · 12/10/2020 09:56

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Tbh if someone watched a YouTube video about a resort and said to me "this time next year we'll be there" I would assume they were going to organise it themselves.

That said, I don't celebrate my birthday, and I hate the idea of surprise gifts, so I'm probably an outlier.

Can you talk to him honestly and openly about your hurt feelings?

Why would you think that if your spouse said it and they had previously organised yours? You'd have to be spectacularly thick or selfish like the op's dh.
Anydreamwilldo12 · 12/10/2020 09:59

So it's all about him!

He promised you something...he didn't deliver. Instead he gave you money for your birthday and suggested you use it towards his special trip for his 50th birthday. Bloody selfish twat. I would tell him to sling his hook.

Feather5Fanta · 12/10/2020 10:19

If you are not in a lockdown area & not traveling to a lock down area

He could have booked a nice restaurant

He could have booked a night/s in a nice hotel

Instead he has made little effort & given you money
Not much thought

Feather5Fanta · 12/10/2020 10:27

Happy 40th birthday CakeWineFlowers

GreenRoadSigns · 12/10/2020 10:39

What PPs said - walk him gently through what you did for his birthday, what he did for yours, and ask him how he would feel if the positions were reversed.
If he's a decent bloke then he'll get his arse into gear sharpish and arrange SOMETHING . (I had to have a similar talk with my OH when my birthday present was getting ridiculously late and I now have it and it's lovely).

If the main issue is that he is an arse then... Sorry!

IndieTara · 12/10/2020 10:39

One of te many reasons my ex is an ex

grapewine · 12/10/2020 10:52

walk him gently through what you did for his birthday, what he did for yours, and ask him how he would feel if the positions were reversed. Why gently? The DH knows what he's done/doing. I'dactually suggest you be really quite blunt, OP. I'm angry for you.