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Original poster

40th What a big let down

144 replies

Voyager121 · 12/10/2020 02:23

10 years ago my hubby wanted to go to the Indian ocean for his 40th. I booked and planned it all by myself. We spent one week away at a top luxury resort at a cost of £3,400 plus £1,200 resort fees/bill at the end of our week. It was truely amazing, he said it was his best birthday ever and promised to take me for my 40th.

He has had nearly ten years to save for my 40th but had nothing booked for it, instead I had a box of chocolates, some flowers and £950 in an envelope. Of course I thanked him but I can't help but feel upset and disappointed.

Firstly he obviously had'nt put any effort into my 40th because he hasn't made any plans or bookings to take me away as promised and yet I did absolutely everything to make sure he had a birthday to remember.

Given that he had 10 years to save, well £950 isn't even going to cover our flights there.

It's certainly not the birthday we discussed or I thought I'd have, and it just makes me feel he really doesn't care about me. He's just spent nearly £2k on his hobby, which makes me feel thats more important than me.

Would anyone else feel disappointed? Or feel unimportant?

OP posts:
rwalker · 12/10/2020 06:28

TBH you went as well on his 40th so basically you got 1/2 his present chances are you would of gone and some kind of holiday anyway.

So 1/2 £4600 take off what you would of spent on holiday that year . You have proberly got a better deal with £950 just for you.

Arrivederla · 12/10/2020 06:31

Have you told him how you feel? If not, do it now.

In the nicest possible way, don't sit around complaining to strangers without having a proper discussion with him.

(He does sound thoughtless and selfish though).

NotaCoolMum · 12/10/2020 06:55

I’m going against the grain here but surely you don’t give a gift because you want the same in return? If I give DP a gift it’s because I love him and I want to treat him- it’s not on the promise that he gives me something equal in return.

category12 · 12/10/2020 07:03

You need to talk to him about it and find out his thinking.

But if he's generally selfish (in terms of doing things for himself but not bothering for you), then you might wonder why you're with him.

Kittykat93 · 12/10/2020 07:15

I'd be absolutely chuffed with a grand as a birthday present but I'm clearly in a very small minority

redcarbluecar · 12/10/2020 07:17

Is selfishness a typical part of his behaviour? To give some benefit of the doubt, I suppose he might be one of those people who isn’t very good at birthdays and organising stuff. It sounds as though you may be excellent at that, so perhaps he leans on you too much and then flapped a bit when the onus fell on him.

Notarealmum · 12/10/2020 07:19

@YellowJellyfish

Op that is really really crap. I'd be so hurt and seriously looking to see where the relationship is going. :(

And as for the PPs saying you can't get away because it's Covid. Are you serious?? I've been away abroad 3 times in the last 6 months. You do know life hasn't stopped eh?

Thought probably not so somewhere as tropical as the OP seems to have had in mind.....
sandgrown · 12/10/2020 07:24

I have planned parties , holidays etc for my partner’s significant birthdays .Over the years I have realised he is rubbish at planning anything and also a bit tight. I just plan things myself now , with a contribution from him. It’s not as nice as a surprise but I get to do what I want.

Original poster
Voyager121 · 12/10/2020 07:26

Thanks all for your comments. I reminded him on plenty of occasions, by watching videos of the resort in youtube and saying this time next year we'll be there. Then not long until you take me away for my 40th. TBH if he couldn't have booked there then I wouldn't have cared where were going if he had booked something or at least put some thought into it.

On my birthday he just said I could put the money he had given me towards meeting him half way on a trip to Austrailia, as he really wants to go there for his 50th. There's no chance now that I'll be doing that for him now. I wonder how shit he will feel when he receives an envelope with £100 in it for his 50th.

OP posts:
KLF6 · 12/10/2020 07:26

All sounds a bit precious to me.

tanstaafl · 12/10/2020 07:29

I think he’d saved £3000.
but what with COVID, travel restrictions, quarantine requirements, holiday insurance issues thought to himself we’re not going to be able to travel anywhere and decided to spend £2000 on his hobby , giving you the remainder.

TidyDancer · 12/10/2020 07:31

The figures involved here are a red herring.

With your update OP, if I'm reading it right, he's given you a birthday present so you'll be able to get him his 50th birthday present. Is that right?

Is there any backstory that would explain this? Are you suddenly short on money? I can understand not planning travel for right now, but there was nothing stopping him from saying he was going to book a similar trip when you can do so freely.

What has he been saying when you've been dropping hints? Well it's not even really dropping hints is it? You've been very clear what you expect. I'd have thought he was going to make a comment of some kind.

category12 · 12/10/2020 07:33

What does he say about it?

What did he say when you were saying "this time next year we'll be there"?

ChaToilLeam · 12/10/2020 07:34

He sounds utterly self centred. I know what I’d be giving him for his 50th and it wouldn’t be a trip to Australia.

TeaChocKitKat · 12/10/2020 07:37

Sounds a bit princessy to me. We are all really limited to what we can do at the moment due to covid. We didn't get to celebrate my big birthday at all in June because we were in full on lockdown. Seriously, get some perspective.

chatwoo · 12/10/2020 07:41

@Voyager121

Thanks all for your comments. I reminded him on plenty of occasions, by watching videos of the resort in youtube and saying this time next year we'll be there. Then not long until you take me away for my 40th. TBH if he couldn't have booked there then I wouldn't have cared where were going if he had booked something or at least put some thought into it.

On my birthday he just said I could put the money he had given me towards meeting him half way on a trip to Austrailia, as he really wants to go there for his 50th. There's no chance now that I'll be doing that for him now. I wonder how shit he will feel when he receives an envelope with £100 in it for his 50th.

I am weirdly fascinated by this...!! At any point have you actually asked "What happened to my birthday trip?". Watching YouTube and making comments and dropping, doesn't actually sound like you discussed it face to face with your husband.

Hilarious that he still thinks you'd like to go away for his 50th, part funded by your birthday money... Biscuit for him.

ArtemisBean · 12/10/2020 07:57

Sounds like he thinks your 40th has just ceased to exist because of covid, so the next thing to celebrate in his mind is his 50th. If he had any sense or feeling at all he'd just come out and say: really sorry we couldn't go away this year for your 40th, but let's book something for it in 2022 (or whatever). So that it's still YOUR birthday treat, just not in the year you'd expected. Then his 50th can be a completely separate event. Any chance this is his plan and the Australia comment is just a very stupid and thoughtless red herring?? Clutching at straws because I can't believe an almost 50-year-old could be so dense...

NovemberRain2 · 12/10/2020 08:01

OP please update as to what you said when the holiday didn't emerge.

Also please keep us posted on how he reacts to a non 50th birthday trip!

YANBU

Savemyusername01 · 12/10/2020 08:02

Were you expecting a booked holiday as a present right up until the day when he handed over the envelope?

isthismylifenow · 12/10/2020 08:02

Maybe he is still planning to take you away when you can go.

Fortunategirl · 12/10/2020 08:05

The money and the amounts are irrelevant. It’s the fact that he planned nothing and then said you could put the money towards his 50th!! On your birthday that he’s planned nothing for he talks to you about planning something for his birthday. That’s crass and rude and selfish and this whole thing shows you just what he thinks of you. I’d not be sticking around to be honest. He’s not going to suddenly have a personality change. Has he always been like this? Is it always just about him?

OhTheRoses · 12/10/2020 08:09

Crikey op. DH got dd to order me a pair of clogs with a discount code for my 60th! He wants a new Mac for his. His Mac will cost about 6 times my clogs.

May I just ask if your circumstances have changed over the last ten years?

Hopeisnotastrategy · 12/10/2020 08:13

You are not being "princessy" OP. 🙄

Does he always expect you to be the Cinderella in this relationship?

More importantly, do you?

ChronicallyCurious · 12/10/2020 08:14

If he promised to take you for your 40th I would be playing extremely dumb and making him spell it out to me.

‘Oh is this £950 spending money for our holiday? You shouldn’t have done that and booked and paid for everything else can we actually afford this?’ You definitely need to speak to him and find out what’s going on. Even if it’s just asking him if he’s waiting til next year til he books it cause of COVID.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 12/10/2020 08:16

Also, there are some excellent holiday bargains out there at the moment. Dip into joint savings and take a friend. You assumed he didn't want to go, right?

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