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Original poster

My new boyfriend told me he had vasectomy

128 replies

IvyDE4 · 11/10/2020 14:55

So I’ve been dating this man for 2 months and we get along so great. He is 28 and I am 30. Last night he told me that he had vasectomy done. I do have a one child - but I would love one more in the future and I feel strongly about it. He said he might be open to a child in the future and he could do reversal or IVF. I am not sure if I should continue this relationship .. any advice appreciated?!

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 11/10/2020 18:47

You have been with him 2 months? Cut your losses and end it. A reversal doesn’t always work and the fact he made such a harsh decision on getting the snip in the first place is a bit of a red flag, does he often make massive decisions just because life hasn’t gone to plan?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/10/2020 19:01

Let him go, if he alone isn’t good enough so he can meet someone who wants him just for him. It wouldn’t be an issue of he was the one for you.

Inkpaperstars · 11/10/2020 19:09

His explanation for having a vasectomy sounds like bollocks ( no pun intended) or very distorted thinking. He is also 28, and already been willing to have a vasectomy, when he says stuff about maybe having a reversal...he will still be prevaricating about this at 40 most likely.

Be glad you only spent two months on this and move on.

IseeIsee · 11/10/2020 19:11

Sounds dodgy. I wouldn't believe this story

TableFlowerss · 11/10/2020 19:14

It can be reversed so it’s a bit harsh splitting up with him. He needs to tell you if he’s willing to have it reversed and wants kids though

PatsyJStone · 11/10/2020 19:29

My ex H told me he didn’t want more kids, he talked about getting a vasectomy but to my knowledge he never had one. 15 years later and he never changed his mind. His main concern was over split families and didn’t want to go through that again. Stupidly I thought he might change his mind the longer we were together and despite all our years together it didn’t happen and i was left childless. I’d suggest you give it a couple more months, see how serious it gets. Then have the talk again. Saying he is open is not the same as saying absolutely, yes I will, if I’m with the right person, etc.
And if you aren’t convinced and another child means so much move on. Tell him why but he must be honest and not say it’s an option if he doesn’t mean it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/10/2020 19:29

I'd be deeply suspicious.

Which is more likely - his traumatic tale, or that he dislikes condoms and so claims to have had a vasectomy?

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 11/10/2020 19:35

2 months! He waited 2 months?
The vasectomy story (with associated photos) is one of my ice-breakers at parties and job interviews!

Note: currently unemployed and single.
Note to self: re-evaluate current small talk openers.

powershowerforanhour · 11/10/2020 19:38

He sounds flakier than a 99. He'll probably future fake you by telling you what you want to hear (it's not actually a lie as such, because it's kind of hazily possible in his head at some comfortably distant future time, like moving to live in a log cabin in Alaska or retraining to be an astronaut or writing a bestseller...it's theoretically possible).

People say shit they think you want to hear all the time. If you went to a job interview and asked about opportunities for mentoring, training promotion and pay rises, do you think they would say, " well tbh it's a total dead end job. We haven't the time or interest to help you advance, we'll just screw as much work out of you as cheaply as possible, then mummy track you and you'll finally leave when it dawns on you that you're getting nowhere".

At best, he'll eventually agree to a reversal after a few years of heel dragging (not guaranteed- it's biological tissue not putting a new fuse in a plug) but then get all crap and what about meeee as soon as it doesn't go smoothly- ie if the baby doesn't sleep 12 hours solid from day 1.

If you were going for that job interview, you'd ask people who already worked there, or left, if actions matched words. All you have to go on is his previous record:

  • got a woman pregnant (how? Promised her he'd pull out and didn't/was stupid enough to believe that's reliable anyway? Lied and fiddled about in the dark pretending to put on a condom and didn't? Got pissed and had a ride and didn't even give a shit about the consequences? Thought he was in love after 2 months, got her pregnant intentionally then freaked out?)
  • Coerced her into an abortion (nice guy)
  • Poor fucking wee diddums was so traumatised by coercing her to abort that he have to have therapy? What? What about her? Big tell as to who is #1 in his relationships
  • sprinted off and told the docs he was definitely sure he didn't want kids and signed all the documentation to say so
  • after 2 months with someone who wants kids says yeah maybe I'll have kids with you.

It really gets on my wick that the female sex has been the one portrayed throughout history as fickle, flaky, guileful, devious and using their wiles to get what they want out of the opposite sex and too emotional to make rational choices. It really does

powershowerforanhour · 11/10/2020 19:45

Or it's all bullshit and he just wants a bareback shag then when you get pregnant he'll say oh it must have recanalised, oh well it it's the right time to have a baby, nip along to the clinic and get yourself an abortion then drive me to counselling, I'm so traumatised.

CityCommuter · 11/10/2020 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Savemyusername01 · 11/10/2020 19:47

My first thought also was that he already has a kid. There have been several threads on here where a partner admits they have a child they don’t see.

lynsey91 · 11/10/2020 20:12

My DH had a vasectomy when he was under 30 (can't remember his exact age as it was years ago but I think he was around 27/28). We had no children so he had to go private because it wasn't enough for us to say we never wanted children.

Apparently we were going to change our minds! 40 years later and we still haven't

Ned2021 · 11/10/2020 21:39

My now husband had has a vasectomy, i laid it out even before our 1st date that i wanted children (there is an age gap) as i had none and he had 3.
He said there were ways we could do it using IVF.

12 years old, i have a 5 year old and im 14 weeks pregnant, both via IVF.

HOWEVER - Its not a route i would recomend if you are so new into a relationship that it would be easy to get out of.
IVF is so tough, physically and even more so emotionally. Its not a route i would have chosen to go down. I couldnt get pregnant naturally anyway so i would have always had to undergo treatment.

Really think about this OP...

Beamur · 11/10/2020 21:44

I'm not sure I would believe all/any of what he's telling you. All sounds deeply suss.

Original poster
IvyDE4 · 12/10/2020 09:10

So I had a big talk with him yesterday - he got the vasectomy done privately when he was 23 when he was having a tough time and Thought someone like him shouldn’t have children - he regrets it a bit. He said he is willing to show me paperwork from the procedure when I see him next. He also never pushes me into sex without condom (I am super strict about condoms because of STIs anyway - got chlamydia in past and made me super anxious about unprotected sex and he knows that's

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 12/10/2020 09:23

Sorry but his reaction at 23 seems quite emotionally dysfunctional, for want of a better phrase.

AlternativePerspective · 12/10/2020 09:24

to make the decision to have a vasectomy so young is a big red flag I think that it’s almost standard on here for women to say that if a man wasn’t prepared for a child then he should have a vasectomy, and yet now one has it’s a red flag? Hmm.

Also, I don’t think that his saying he pushed a girl into having an abortion is definitely a red flag. There are so many factors to consider, e.g. what age were they, did he actually threaten her that there would be consequences if she had an abortion or did he tell her that he wasn’t ready to be a father? Ultimately it was the woman’s choice to have a termination, so while he may feel guilty about it she did what she chose to do. If he’d wanted her to keep the baby people wouldn’t be judging him for being upset if she’d then had a termination anyway.

I know three men who have had vasectomies under the age of 25. And as there are other examples here it clearly isn’t as rare as those who believe that everything on MN equals a red flag would like to believe to justify their position.

viques · 12/10/2020 11:44

@IvyDE4

So I had a big talk with him yesterday - he got the vasectomy done privately when he was 23 when he was having a tough time and Thought someone like him shouldn’t have children - he regrets it a bit. He said he is willing to show me paperwork from the procedure when I see him next. He also never pushes me into sex without condom (I am super strict about condoms because of STIs anyway - got chlamydia in past and made me super anxious about unprotected sex and he knows that's
Did he have an explanation about why it took him two months to tell you this even though you were having sex?
viques · 12/10/2020 11:47

Ps he has offered to show you the vasectomy paperwork, make sure you take him up on that offer.

PaterPower · 12/10/2020 13:12

23! I’m surprised that even a private surgeon would agree to that, but clearly they do as PP have backed that up.

I wouldn’t count on a reversal being possible. IVF might be, but that’s an expensive and fraught process and there are no guarantees with it either.

emilybrontescorsett · 13/10/2020 14:13

Why are people criticising him?
It’s his choice and fair play to him.
He sounds more of a catch than the endless deadbeat dads we read about on here.
Op-maybe you should leave him for a woman who doesn’t want anymore kids.
Of course you can pay privately to have a vasectomy . I knew if one woman who had multiple abortions privately some way pass the 24 week mark.

powershowerforanhour · 13/10/2020 15:50

Did he have an explanation about why it took himtwo monthsto tell you this even though you were having sex?

Well...that's not such a huge deal unless he had pretended from day 1 that he was keen to get married and have children. It does become lying by omission eventually but I think 2mo is still acceptable.

I'd still beware of the flake factor or to put it more kindly- does he have MH issues (fine if you're fine with that, but it adds an extra layer to the relationship) and if so does he have a plan for managing them in future. He had a tough time when he was 23... having children at all never mind IVF involves tough times- what is his decision making going to be like under the pressure of the dark side of "for richer or poorer, for better or worse" (which applies to parenting well together even if you're not married or split up).

2bazookas · 15/10/2020 14:42

@Branleuse

reversals dont work nearly as often as people seem to think they do.
When DH had a vasectomy, at our appointment the surgeon told us both that there are different methods of doing the op , and that his method is totally non-reversible . So if we had any teensy idea that we might ever change our minds and want a reversal, he was not the surgeon for us and DH would not get operated on by him.
SVRT19674 · 15/10/2020 14:45

If you want kids at some point, end it. That would be a deal breaker for me. End it before you are too emotionally invested. Men have vasectomies because they dont want kids, believe the actions, not the words.