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Original poster

My new boyfriend told me he had vasectomy

128 replies

IvyDE4 · 11/10/2020 14:55

So I’ve been dating this man for 2 months and we get along so great. He is 28 and I am 30. Last night he told me that he had vasectomy done. I do have a one child - but I would love one more in the future and I feel strongly about it. He said he might be open to a child in the future and he could do reversal or IVF. I am not sure if I should continue this relationship .. any advice appreciated?!

OP posts:
BewilderedDoughnut · 11/10/2020 15:40

One child is enough in this day and age.

He’s sounds very responsible.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/10/2020 15:41

Assuming he's telling the truth (and you have no way of knowing as you barely know him) to make the decision to have a vasectomy so young is a big red flag.

To then say he would have a reversal for someone he has only know a couple of months is another huge red flag.

If more children are important to you, I'd look elsewhere.

BewilderedDoughnut · 11/10/2020 15:41

If anything it’s him that should be reassessing his relationship with you. Lot of baggage taking on someone else’s kid.

Childfree men are very sought after!

AcrossthePond55 · 11/10/2020 15:41

1-Never believe a man about contraception. Plus, a vasectomy doesn't protect agains STIs. You need to continue to use protection.

2-Before having a vasectomy he would have been counseled about its permanence, especially at that young an age and double especially if he had no other children. He would have known what he was doing. I call bullshit on this 'trauma' excuse.

3- The chances of him actually having a reversal are pretty slim. And even if he does, the chances of him sticking around if you do get pregnant are even slimmer. He's made it pretty clear that he does not want children with his 'might be open to a reversal'. He'll keep stringing you along.

4- Many men will say anything to keep the sex coming or to keep a woman they know they aren't right for. They'll say they love you, they want to marry you, they want you to have their children. I'm not saying that he doesn't care about you. I'm saying he'd lie to keep you.

You need to decide if he's worth the risk of again being made a single mum or of ending up without the child you want.

Frappuccinofan · 11/10/2020 15:42

You should really make it clear that this is a deal breaker for you as you do want more children. Therefore nothing serious will come out of the relationship with him.

As you want another child strongly, you should end it with him and start dating again, to find someone who also wants a family. You’re fundamentally not compatible with him.

Don’t get me wrong, you could casually date him/fwb but at the end of the day you could be missing out on meeting someone better for you

BewilderedDoughnut · 11/10/2020 15:44

@WeAllHaveWings to make the decision to have a vasectomy so young is a big red flag

Why is it? My husband had a vasectomy in his early 20s because he never wants to be a father. Would you categorise someone of the same age making the decision to have children as a “red flag”??

Frappuccinofan · 11/10/2020 15:44

Childfree men are very sought after!

He’s 28 though. I think that’s a fairly normal age to not have children yet, especially for his peer group.

BewilderedDoughnut · 11/10/2020 15:46

But he’s childfree and he’s had a vasectomy! They’re like gold dust!

roratone · 11/10/2020 15:49

My BIL with 3 kids was refused one at 27. Our CCG won't fund them for men under 30 unless there is an extremely compelling reason. They now have 5 kids

RedskyAtnight · 11/10/2020 15:49

to make the decision to have a vasectomy so young is a big red flag

MN is literally full of threads saying that if men don't want to have children then they should take responsibility for this not happening. But when they do, it's a red flag?

If you want more children OP, I suggest this is not a long term relationship. Far more likely he won't change his mind, than that he will.

BewilderedDoughnut · 11/10/2020 15:49

@roratone they don’t question it if you go private. My husband had no issues and he was very early 20s.

lynsey91 · 11/10/2020 15:50

You have to decide whether having another child is more important to you than possibly having a long and happy relationship with this man.

Good for him having a vasectomy if he feels he does not want children. The planet is already overpopulated and its a shame more people are not as responsible.

I could understand it a bit more if you did not have any children but you do

Cloudburstagain · 11/10/2020 15:51

Reversals are expensive and not on the NHS. They do not always work.
IVF is expensive and you are likely to have to pay for it as have a child already.
Can you financially afford to have children with this man?
Know it is not the main point - but is he prepared to pay?

OldWomanSaysThis · 11/10/2020 15:59

I had a baby with a man who said he was sterile. He just didn't want to wear a condom. He held on to the "I'm sterile" statement even after a DNA test begged to differ.

So, beware.

LilyWater · 11/10/2020 16:06

@AcrossthePond55

1-Never believe a man about contraception. Plus, a vasectomy doesn't protect agains STIs. You need to continue to use protection.

2-Before having a vasectomy he would have been counseled about its permanence, especially at that young an age and double especially if he had no other children. He would have known what he was doing. I call bullshit on this 'trauma' excuse.

3- The chances of him actually having a reversal are pretty slim. And even if he does, the chances of him sticking around if you do get pregnant are even slimmer. He's made it pretty clear that he does not want children with his 'might be open to a reversal'. He'll keep stringing you along.

4- Many men will say anything to keep the sex coming or to keep a woman they know they aren't right for. They'll say they love you, they want to marry you, they want you to have their children. I'm not saying that he doesn't care about you. I'm saying he'd lie to keep you.

You need to decide if he's worth the risk of again being made a single mum or of ending up without the child you want.

Many men will say anything to keep the sex coming or to keep a woman they know they aren't right for. They'll say they love you, they want to marry you, they want you to have their children. I'm not saying that he doesn't care about you. I'm saying he'd lie to keep you.

1000 times this. So many women still don't understand this about (most) men. It's all about keeping hold of sex, and power over the woman (consciously or unconsciously). I really hope I'm wrong but you can just tell this is likely a situation where the OP lets herself believe this man's BS and before she knows it she's running out time to find a man that actually suits her and to have the further children she wants. How many men at his age have already had a vasectomy and intentionally made themselves permanently infertile? A tiny proportion, so it's completely senseless to even be entertaining continuing the relationship. There's other red flags which other posters have also picked up on.

There are so many women (including on this board) who lament in their late 30s onwards of not finding a suitable guy but so many women waste precious time on guys like this who you need to dump straightaway if you're serious about kids/family.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 11/10/2020 16:08

He pushed his ex girlfriend into an abortion?

Run.

emilybrontescorsett · 11/10/2020 16:08

I think he sounds very responsible. Why are you thinking about having another child at this stage?
If it's so important to you then end this and move on.
Don't rush into having another child though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/10/2020 16:11

[quote BewilderedDoughnut]**@WeAllHaveWings* to make the decision to have a vasectomy so young is a big red flag*

Why is it? My husband had a vasectomy in his early 20s because he never wants to be a father. Would you categorise someone of the same age making the decision to have children as a “red flag”??[/quote]
I don’t think it’s a red flag to do this. Perhaps very young and potentially he could have changed his mind. For me the red flag is that this guy may, one day, if the wind is blowing in the right direction during a full moon, decide he would like to start a family. I would quit the relationship now tbh.

LilyWater · 11/10/2020 16:11

@BewilderedDoughnut

But he’s childfree and he’s had a vasectomy! They’re like gold dust!
Read the OP. The OP wants children.
ivfbeenbusy · 11/10/2020 16:13

I'm sceptical to be honest OP - no way would he have had a vasectomy on the NHS at his age and given he doesn't have children. Most private clinics require a GP referral even if you are paying privately and the general guidelines are thar they won't refer men under 30

Given you have one child and he had a vasectomy then you would be eligible for a reversal on the NHS nor would you be eligible for IVF. Something to think about for the future when the old "IVF is an option" is banded around. If you're unlikely ever to be able to afford it....

Personally I wouldn't be in a relationship with a "man" who think that's such a drastic measure is a way to deal with an unwanted pregnancy in his 20s and has the lackadaisical attitude that "oh it can be reversed" or "we can do IVF" in the future.

RantyAnty · 11/10/2020 16:14

Men lie and lie and lie
He probably made it up because he wants sex without a condom.

Assume he is lying under he proves otherwise.

LadyWithTheNeonSparklers · 11/10/2020 16:15

If you feel strongly about having more children and can end the relationship with few scars - I'd do so rather than pin hopes on might want children in future that he offered.

Peachy1381 · 11/10/2020 16:16

Run.

nevermorelenore · 11/10/2020 16:16

He sounds like red flag central to be honest. If he had a vasectomy at 28, I'd say his mind is pretty much made up. If you're determined to have another child, then you don't want to waste another 2/3 years only to realise this guy is messing you about. You want someone who is on the same page as you.

Also, reversals don't always work, and having seen friends go through IVF, it's bloody hard and invasive. It's not some easy, quick fix solution.

Crystalknobs · 11/10/2020 16:19

He pushed a woman into having an abortion- Jesus! And then had a vasectomy because he was so traumatised? I smell bullshit.