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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can I have some outside perspective on this?

114 replies

Mermaidwithoutacause · 09/10/2020 21:52

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.
Dh has always been a high earner, he’s always massively out earned me. If I’ve ever been short on money I don’t like to ask him for it and we have no joint finances so currently as a sahm parent I only have access to what I’m given.

When ds was about one and I had come to the end of my maternity leave, that was when I started to really struggle. At that point we had a budget for our weekly - ten days shop of about £120. Dh would give me his card to take to go and do the shop which in itself made me feel awkward because it made me feel like a child.
Anyway I used to find that if I spent the whole amount at once I would end up with some things going off before I went shopping again and also that we needed some things like milk, bread, etc in the interim.
This then came out of the money that I had - the allowance dh gave me.
So what I ended up doing was spending £100 in one go at the supermarket and using the other £20 to put petrol in my car and then I’d use more than that £20 over the next week to ten days buying pits and pieces we needed. Essentially I couldn’t afford to buy petrol plus another £20-40 on food each week and we were also wasting some of the fresh stuff if I bought all in one go.

After a couple of months dh was going through bank statements and demanded to know why I was spending £20 of the food budget on petrol. He was really angry and used words like ‘leeching’ and ‘creaming off the top.’ He said I’d stolen from him.

This reaction - amongst others - has meant I feel totally powerless and as though I have nothing, which I don’t. When I think about it I feel a great sense of shame and embarrassment.

OP posts:
Sharpandshineyteeth · 09/10/2020 21:55

You are married and your job is to provide all the childcare whilst he earns the joint money. What else does he expect you to do? Does he want you to go back to work? Will he pay half the childcare.

This is financial abuse. Look it up. It’s no way to live. You need a serious discussion

Hawkmoth · 09/10/2020 21:56

This is financial abuse.

londongirl12 · 09/10/2020 21:58

Have you explained to him why you had to do that?

HaggisBurger · 09/10/2020 21:58

Absolutely 100% financial abuse. Every bit as real
as if he was hitting you. It’s not in any way acceptable.

TOFO1965 · 09/10/2020 22:00

I can never comprehend partnerships like this, it's so dysfunctional. He's plainly fucking you over and it won't change because no decent guy would behave like this to start with. I feel very sad for you, hope you find the strength to forge a better life for yourself.

Trixie18 · 09/10/2020 22:01

Your husband is an abuser, this is not normal behaviour, please seek advice and look at leaving this awful man!

forestsmurf · 09/10/2020 22:02

Why is he calling it his money, it's the family money surely. Have you sat down with him and shown him how much it cost to run the house and have enough so you dont have to dip into savings for petrol and milk?
What happens to the money he has left over Bill's? This sounds like financial abuse.

Greenkit · 09/10/2020 22:02

I agree with others, financial abuse

Leave him and take more than 50%

Batshittery · 09/10/2020 22:03

How much is the allowance that he gives you and what is that used for OP?

Divebar · 09/10/2020 22:04

What other money do you have access to? How do you pay for clothes , haircuts, presents etc ?

Original poster
Mermaidwithoutacause · 09/10/2020 22:06

I have access to a monthly sum, it isn’t a lot.
I don’t ask for anymore. I’d sooner sell something or go without.

OP posts:
mumtoa7yo · 09/10/2020 22:06

Why would you think its ok to use a car to get the food shopping instead of walking and carrying the food and baby in your hands, and balancing any additional items on your head?!

P.s Hubby is a knob

averylongtimeago · 09/10/2020 22:07

This isn't right. But I guess you know that.
What do you want to do?

Original poster
Mermaidwithoutacause · 09/10/2020 22:07

I just wondered what people thought of what happened in the opening post. I feel a lot of shame around it, it made me feel very squashed. Was it stealing?

OP posts:
Armyofone · 09/10/2020 22:09

No it wasn’t stealing. He’s your husband, your his wife. You’re not a member of staff. This is absolutely corking financial abuse.

Divebar · 09/10/2020 22:09

Did you not think it’s odd that you don’t have access to money with your own cards? I consider it exceptionally odd and if a friend disclosed that to me I’d tell her she was being abused

NancyBotwinBloom · 09/10/2020 22:09

Is the CMS you would get more than the allowance?

This is blatant financial abuse.

He sounds vile.

You carried his child in your womb for nine months! He's moaning about petrol.

Look into seeing a solicitor and your rights.

Good luck op. Use mumsnet to help you get out. There have been many threads with support and advice to help you leave and get everything ready so you are in the best position.

Armyofone · 09/10/2020 22:09

Where’s that big thread about the MNer who was having a terrible time with her husband being like this?

YukoandHiro · 09/10/2020 22:10

Of course it wasn't stealing. You're married and share a family and a home. Everything he earns is jointly yours. It's not a "gift"'from him and you are absolutely not taking anything - it's already yours! In fact you should have full access to 100'perncent of everything of his, as he should of yours.

Seriously, as other posters have said look up financial abuse. You're being gaslighted.

mumtoa7yo · 09/10/2020 22:11

@Mermaidwithoutacause No its bloody not stealing! The fact that he said that is disgusting.

Honestly i would not do the food shop for the week on the day you usually do it, and when he asks where the food is say "i didnt know if i should choose stealing from you or starving you so i chose starving"

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 22:13

Your marriage is so very dysfunctional. It's like you're the hired help. Awful financial abuse. I would demand for all of the accounts to be joint. His reaction to that will show you just how horrible he is.

MJMG2015 · 09/10/2020 22:15

What a wanker he is. You're in an abusive marriage. This is FAR from right & FAR from normal!

You need to look at getting out 🌷

thesix · 09/10/2020 22:18

No, absolutely is not stealing!!!!! Please don't think that or get talked into believing that. He's your husband. If you were ever to get divorced (I hope that doesn't ever happen) all assets and finances would be on the table.

I think you need to tell him the monthly amount isn't enough or send him shopping!!! twit.

Original poster
Mermaidwithoutacause · 09/10/2020 22:20

Creaming off the top.
It’s made me feel so embarrassed. I don’t like talking about it. It makes me feel ashamed.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2020 22:23

Creaming off the top.
It’s made me feel so embarrassed. I don’t like talking about it. It makes me feel ashamed.

The shame belongs to him, not you. That is a disgusting thing to say to your partner/spouse. It clearly shows a complete lack of respect for you.