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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can I have some outside perspective on this?

114 replies

Mermaidwithoutacause · 09/10/2020 21:52

I can’t see the wood for the trees anymore.
Dh has always been a high earner, he’s always massively out earned me. If I’ve ever been short on money I don’t like to ask him for it and we have no joint finances so currently as a sahm parent I only have access to what I’m given.

When ds was about one and I had come to the end of my maternity leave, that was when I started to really struggle. At that point we had a budget for our weekly - ten days shop of about £120. Dh would give me his card to take to go and do the shop which in itself made me feel awkward because it made me feel like a child.
Anyway I used to find that if I spent the whole amount at once I would end up with some things going off before I went shopping again and also that we needed some things like milk, bread, etc in the interim.
This then came out of the money that I had - the allowance dh gave me.
So what I ended up doing was spending £100 in one go at the supermarket and using the other £20 to put petrol in my car and then I’d use more than that £20 over the next week to ten days buying pits and pieces we needed. Essentially I couldn’t afford to buy petrol plus another £20-40 on food each week and we were also wasting some of the fresh stuff if I bought all in one go.

After a couple of months dh was going through bank statements and demanded to know why I was spending £20 of the food budget on petrol. He was really angry and used words like ‘leeching’ and ‘creaming off the top.’ He said I’d stolen from him.

This reaction - amongst others - has meant I feel totally powerless and as though I have nothing, which I don’t. When I think about it I feel a great sense of shame and embarrassment.

OP posts:
Lookatthat · 09/10/2020 22:25

No it wasn’t stealing, and it’s awful you even need to think that. Could there be money worries from his side that he’s trying to hide? That’s the only possible explanation I can think of.

NancyBotwinBloom · 09/10/2020 22:26

It's not you op. Really it's not.

It's all on him.

WolffromTheWest · 09/10/2020 22:27

He resents you and he doesn't like you at all. He resents having to support you financially. You can leave him in good conscience because he can't stand you. He is dehumanising you and showing you contempt and disgust by accusing you of thieving from him rather than courteously discussing household financial arrangements with you. That sounds brutal I know but it's the only that worked when I couldn't bring myself to leave my abusive ex - the two of them doing very similar. Hearing that made me wake up.

Theorangeorange · 09/10/2020 22:33

Awful, this isn't normal.

Babysharksmom · 09/10/2020 22:39

He's a fucking asshole is what he is.
If I were you I'd head back to work.
Start saving and move on.
He treats you like a child. It will only get worse.

mummyof2lou · 09/10/2020 22:45

Not normal at all. How 1930's. Can you stand up to him and explain you want to be treated as an equal in the relationship?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/10/2020 22:53

Oh OP

I think it shows how much the dynamic between you is twisted that you even babe to ask.

You are a SAHP for the good of the family. He earns money for the good of the family. You are a team. Money is joint. You should have the same 'spending/ hobby money. It's not right that you facilitate his home life and career but get accused of stealing for £20 petrol money when he could drop that on a posh sandwich and drink in the pub and never have to justify it any further.

I'd be telling him if he thinks you're stealing his money then you obviously need your own, you're going back to work, you expect to pay proportionate amounts towards childcare and do equal household chores, cooking, shopping, kids drop offs and pick ups etc. If that doesnt make him realise how much you contribute then you do need to leave, it really is not normal to have so little say over something that is legally half yours. Legally, it is financial abuse

SandyY2K · 09/10/2020 22:55

Is your car meant to run on fresh air or water?
This is the kind of thing that I find annoying. It absolutely is financial abuse.

Suzyseis · 09/10/2020 23:04

This really isn’t ok. I’m a sahm and our finances are completely shared. I realise this isn’t for everyone. Regardless, your husband should not make you accountable for how you spend the household money. Accounts should be joint. If you are able (sadly I’m not) find work ASAP and start to extricate yourself from this abusive relationship. I really feel for you x

Nogoodusername · 09/10/2020 23:08

Financial abuse - leave him, or at the very least go back to work. Split childcare costs between you as it is a shared expense but at least you will have your own money left after that

myrtlehuckingfuge · 09/10/2020 23:10

Get back to a paid job (FWIW if this economy ever appreciated the work that SAHM did then it would be a bloody revelation). Sell baby/kids items via PayPal and build a back up and know that most family solicitors will do an introduction and do not charge for the first 30 mins. Find out where you stand. If he is being this tight on a well paid job then know that he is building assets somewhere. Are you on the utilities, mortgage? Do you know exactly what he earns? You are being abused. I'm with Oohthestatsdontlie

Gilda152 · 09/10/2020 23:12

Go back to work

Merryoldgoat · 09/10/2020 23:55

This man is abusing you.

Go back to work and leave him.

Emmapeeler2 · 10/10/2020 00:02

This is really sad. As a SAHM you should have access to joint or at least sufficient finances and not be treated like a thief for filling up your car! The shame is on him not you.

TheVamoosh · 10/10/2020 00:03

At least when if you divorce this abusive man you will get what you're owed. Because half of everything he earns or owns is yours - that's what marriage is.

PatriciaPerch · 10/10/2020 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raspberryfields · 10/10/2020 00:08

Leave this guy, OP. He is not a nice man.

You should not need to apologise for using joint funds to run a car and feed your family. For fuck's sake. This man should be ashamed of his behaviour (but he won't)

Seriously. See a solicitor as soon as possible and start planning a life without him. The fact that you even question whether he is right to get angry about you buying basic necessities suggests that he is very abusive in terms of control and psychological abuse.

category12 · 10/10/2020 00:13

He should be the one who is ashamed. He's financially abusing you.

OPTIMUMMY · 10/10/2020 00:18

You have nothing to be embarrassed about or feel ashamed of. Your husband ought to be ashamed of speaking to you like that and of treating you like a second class citizen in the relationship. Is this ‘allowance’ that you get half of what’s left after all bills are paid? If not (which I suspect strongly) then he doesn’t see you both as a team. It is abusive behaviour and the fact that you feel so awful and embarrassed makes it sound like your self esteem has taken a bit of a battering- the normal reaction to a DH saying something like that is anger at them and not putting up with it, but you seem to be internalising. I hope you start to see him for what he is and that you find a way out x

Mydogmylife · 10/10/2020 00:19

Your husband is financially abusing you, he is an absolute disgrace. How DARE he say you are stealing /creaming off the top to put petrol in your car for heavens sake. Please do not feel ashamed

RobertaTheGreat · 10/10/2020 00:30

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/
This is textbook financial/economic abuse. Please read the advice from Women's aid.

Any shame in this matter is not yours, it's his - miserly, controlling fucker.

Quartz2208 · 10/10/2020 00:37

You are not the one who should feel ashamed. I bet he has lunch money

NameChange2PostThis · 10/10/2020 00:38

Your ‘D’H is an abusive arsehole. Seriously. That’s his shame you are feeling. And he should feel ashamed.

Talk to him. Agree a fair share of the family money.

Or LTB.

Personally I’d find it very hard to stay with such a selfish shit.

mamakena · 10/10/2020 00:39

If I were you I'd find and hack all our accounts and right when I've moved out and hired an attorney, transfer 60% into my personal account, to cover myself and our child. But I'd also move far far away from the abusive monster.

SandyY2K · 10/10/2020 00:43

A lot of posters are saying to go back to work...and split childcare costs....this is assuming he agrees to pay half....because no doubt he's paying all the household bills at the moment and based on what has been said, this doesn't sound like a man who will agree to this.

You can't make him pay towards the childcare.

What if he says..ok..we can also split all other bills as well...not just childcare. I suspect the OP wouldn't be able to do this on her income alone.

He doesn't see it as joint..if he did, you wouldn’t have needed to create this post.

A former colleague of mine told me her DP said, her going to work should not cost him anything. Meaning, if she couldn't afford to pay the childcare costs out of her salary, then she should stay at home, as he was paying the mortgage, utility bills, council tax, insurance, car maintenance, groceries and everything else. He said why should he now add half the childcare costs in top of all this.

These things really need to be discussed before marriage/before children, because it leads to big problems.

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